Scene: A corridor at a sperm bank.
Sheldon: So if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed it will not go through both slits. If it’s unobserved it will, however, if it’s observed after it’s left the plane but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.
Leonard: Agreed, what’s your point?
Sheldon: There’s no point, I just think it’s a good idea for a tee-shirt. 
Leonard: Excuse me?
Receptionist: Hang on. 
Leonard: One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabakov, twenty-six across is MCM, fourteen down is… move your finger… phylum, which makes fourteen across Port-au-Prince. See, Papa Doc’s capital idea, that’s Port-au-Prince. Haiti. 
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Leonard: Yes. Um, is this the High IQ sperm bank?
Receptionist: If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn’t be here.
Sheldon: I think this is the place.
Receptionist: Fill these out.
Leonard: Thank-you. We’ll be right back.
Receptionist: Oh, take your time. I’ll just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh wait.
(They sit and begin to fill in forms).
Sheldon: Leonard, I don’t think I can do this.
Leonard: What, are you kidding? You’re a semi-pro. 
Sheldon: No. We are committing genetic fraud. There’s no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.
Leonard: Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment.
Sheldon: I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there’s some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn’t know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve.
Leonard: I’m sure she’ll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn’t.
Leonard: Well, what do you want to do?
Sheldon: I want to leave.
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: What’s the protocol for leaving?
Leonard: I don’t know, I’ve never reneged on a proffer of sperm before.
Sheldon: Let’s try just walking out.
Leonard: Okay.

Receptionist: Bye.
Sheldon: Bye-bye
Leonard: See you.
Scene: The stairs of the apartment building.
Sheldon: Are you still mad about the sperm bank?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
Leonard: Not really.
Sheldon: If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip.
Leonard: I don’t care. Two millimetres? That doesn’t seem right.
Sheldon: No, it’s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle.
Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?
Sheldon: No, that was the result of my work with lasers.
Leonard: New neighbour?
Sheldon: Evidently.
Leonard: Significant improvement over the old neighbour.
Sheldon: Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is.
Penny: Oh, hi!
Leonard: Hi.
Sheldon: Hi.
Leonard: Hi.
Sheldon: Hi.
Penny: Hi?
Leonard: We don’t mean to interrupt, we live across the hall.
Penny: Oh, that’s nice.
Leonard: Oh… uh… no… we don’t live together… um… we live together but in separate, heterosexual bedrooms.
Penny: Oh, okay, well, guess I’m your new neighbour, Penny.
Leonard: Leonard, Sheldon.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hi.
Sheldon: Hi.
Penny: Hi. 
Leonard: Hi. Well, uh, oh, welcome to the building.
Penny: Thankyou, maybe we can have coffee sometime.
Leonard: Oh, great.
Penny: Great. 
Sheldon: Great.
Leonard: Great. Well, bye.
Penny: Bye.
Sheldon: Bye.
Leonard: Bye. 
Leonard: Should we have invited her for lunch?
Sheldon: No. We’re going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica.
Leonard: We already watched the Season Two DVDs.
Sheldon: Not with commentary.
Leonard: I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel welcome.
Sheldon: We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over.
Leonard: Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace. 
Leonard: Yes, and you’ve never met one of them.
Sheldon: That’s the beauty of it.
Leonard: I’m going to invite her over. We’ll have a nice meal and chat.
Sheldon: Chat? We don’t chat. At least not offline.
Leonard: Well it’s not difficult, you just listen to what she says and then you say something appropriate in response.
Sheldon: To what end?
Leonard: Hi. Again.
Penny: Hi.
Sheldon: Hi.
Leonard: Hi.
Penny: Hi. 
Leonard: Anyway, um. We brought home Indian food. And, um. I know that moving can be stressful, and I find that when I’m undergoing stress, that good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I don’t have to tell you that, uh, a clean colon is just one less thing to worry about.
Sheldon: Leonard, I’m not expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.
Penny: Oh, you’re inviting me over to eat?
Leonard: Uh, yes.
Penny: Oh, that’s so nice, I’d love to.
Leonard: Great.
Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment.
Leonard: Okay, well, make yourself at home.
Penny: Okay, thankyou.
Leonard: You’re very welcome.
Penny: This looks like some serious stuff, Leonard, did you do this?
Sheldon: Actually that’s my work.
Penny: Wow.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, it’s just some quantum mechanics, with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that’s just a joke, it’s a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation.
Penny: So you’re like, one of those, beautiful mind genius guys.
Sheldon: Yeah. 
Penny: This is really impressive.
Leonard: I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.
Penny: Holy smokes.
Sheldon: If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men’s room at MIT, sure.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Oh, come on. Who hasn’t seen this differential below “here I sit broken hearted?”
Leonard: At least I didn’t have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out.
Sheldon: I didn’t invent them, they’re there.
Leonard: In what universe?
Sheldon: In all of them, that is the point.
Penny: Uh, do you guys mind if I start?
Sheldon: Um, Penny, that’s where I sit.
Penny: So, sit next to me. 
Sheldon: No, I sit there.
Penny: What’s the difference?
Sheldon: What’s the difference?
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it’s directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. 
Penny: Do you want me to move?
Sheldon: Well.
Leonard: Just sit somewhere else.
Sheldon: Fine. (Wanders in circles, looking lost.)
Leonard: Sheldon, sit!

Sheldon: Aaah!
Leonard: Well this is nice. We don’t have a lot of company over.
Sheldon: That’s not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time. 
Leonard: Yes I now, but…
Sheldon: Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning.
Leonard: Yes, I remember.
Sheldon: I resent you saying we don’t have company.
Leonard: I’m sorry.
Sheldon: That is an antisocial implication.
Leonard: I said I’m sorry.
Penny: So, Klingon boggle?
Leonard: Yeah, it’s like regular boggle but, in Klingon. That’s probably enough about us, tell us about you.
Penny: Um, me, okay, I’m Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the Sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations and the time of your birth somehow effects your personality.
Penny: Participate in the what?
Leonard: I think what Sheldon’s trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldn’t have been our first guess.
Penny: Oh, yeah, a lot of people think I’m a water sign. Okay, let’s see, what else, oh, I’m a vegetarian, oh, except for fish, and the occasional steak, I love steak. 
Sheldon: That’s interesting. Leonard can’t process corn.
Leonard: Wu-uh, do you have some sort of a job?
Penny: Oh, yeah, I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: Oh, okay. I love cheesecake.
Sheldon: You’re lactose intolerant. 
Leonard: I don’t eat it, I just think it’s a good idea.
Penny: Oh, anyways, I’m also writing a screenplay. It’s about this sensitive girl who comes to L.A. from Lincoln Nebraska to be an actress, and winds up a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: So it’s based on your life?
Penny: No, I’m from Omaha. 
Leonard: Well, if that was a movie I would go see it.
Penny: I know, right? Okay, let’s see, what else? Um, that’s about it. That’s the story of Penny.
Leonard: Well it sounds wonderful.
Penny: It was. Until I fell in love with a jerk. 
Sheldon (mouths): What’s happening.
Leonard (mouths back): I don’t know.
Penny: Oh God, you know, four years I lived with him, four years, that’s like as long as High School. 
Sheldon: It took you four years to get through High School?
Leonard: Don’t.
Penny: I just, I can’t believe I trusted him.

Leonard: Should I say something? I feel like I should say something.
Sheldon: You? No, you’ll only make it worse.
Penny: You want to know the most pathetic part? Even though I hate his lying, cheating guts, I still love him. Is that crazy?
Sheldon: Yes. 
Leonard: No, it’s not crazy it’s, uh, uh, it’s a paradox. And paradoxes are part of nature, think about light. Now if you look at Huygens, light is a wave, as confirmed by the double slit experiments, but then, along comes Albert Einstein and discovers that light behaves like particles too. Well, I didn’t make it worse.
Penny: Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m such a mess, and on top of everything else I’m all gross from moving and my stupid shower doesn’t even work.
Leonard: Our shower works.
Penny: Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?
Sheldon: Yes. 
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: It’s right down the hall.
Penny: Thanks. You guys are really sweet.

Sheldon: Well this is an interesting development. 
Leonard: How so?
Sheldon: It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.
Leonard: That’s not true, remember at Thanksgiving my grandmother with Alzheimer’s had that episode.
Sheldon: Point taken. It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn’t want to rip our eyes out. 
Leonard: The worst part was watching her carve that turkey.
Sheldon: So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?
Leonard: Excuse me?
Sheldon: That woman in there’s not going to have sex with you.
Leonard: Well I’m not trying to have sex with her.
Sheldon: Oh, good. Then you won’t be disappointed.
Leonard: What makes you think she wouldn’t have sex with me, I’m a male and she’s a female?
Sheldon: Yes, but not of the same species.
Leonard: I’m not going to engage in hypotheticals here, I’m just trying to be a good neighbour.
Sheldon: Oh, of course.
Leonard: That’s not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop that I wouldn’t participate. However briefly.
Sheldon: Do you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when she discovers your Luke Skywalker no-more-tears shampoo?
Leonard: It’s Darth Vader shampoo. (There is a knock on the door.) Luke Skywalker’s the conditioner.

Howard: Wait till you see this.
Raj: It’s fantastic. Unbelievable.
Leonard: See what?
Howard: It’s a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974.
Leonard: This is not a good time.
Howard: It’s before he became a creepy computer voice:.
Leonard: That’s great, you guys have to go.
Raj: Why?
Leonard: It’s just not a good time.
Sheldon: Leonard has a lady over.
Howard: Yeah, right, your grandmother back in town?
Leonard: No. And she’s not a lady, she’s just a new neighbour.
Howard: Hang on, there really is a lady here?
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Howard: And you want us out because you’re anticipating coitus?
Leonard: I’m not anticipating coitus.
Howard: So she’s available for coitus?
 Leonard: Can we please stop saying coitus?
Sheldon: Technically that would be coitus interruptus.
Penny: Hey, is there a trick to getting it to switch from tub to shower. Oh. Hi, sorry. Hello!
Howard: Enchante Madamoiselle. Howard Wolowitz, Cal-Tech department of Applied Physics. You may be familiar with some of my work, it’s currently orbiting Jupiter’s largest moon taking high-resolution digital photographs.
Penny: Penny. I work at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: Come on, I’ll show you the trick with the shower.
Howard: Bon douche.
Penny: I’m sorry?
Howard: It’s French for good shower. It’s a sentiment I can express in six languages.
Leonard: Save it for your blog, Howard.
Howard: See-ka-tong-guay-jow.
Scene: In the bathroom.
Leonard: Uh, there it goes, it sticks, I’m sorry.
Penny: Okay. Thanks. 
Leonard: You’re welcome, oh, you’re going to step right, okay, I’ll….
Penny: Hey, Leonard?
Leonard: The hair products are Sheldon’s.
Penny: Um, okay. Can I ask you a favour.
Leonard: A favour? Sure, you can ask me a favour, I would do you a favour for you.
Penny: It’s okay if you say no.
Leonard: Oh, I’ll probably say yes.
Penny: It’s just not the kind of thing you ask a guy you’ve just met.
Leonard: Wow.
Scene: Leonard and Sheldon, Inside Leonard’s car
Sheldon: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.
Leonard: Must we?
Sheldon: Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B. We drive half way across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman’s ex-boyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?
Leonard: She asked me to do her a favour, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.
Leonard: Which is?
Sheldon: You think with your penis.
Leonard: That’s a biological impossibility and you didn’t have to come.
Sheldon: Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can’t she get her own TV.
Leonard: Come on, you know how it is with break-ups.
Sheldon: No I don’t. And neither do you.
Leonard: Wuh, I, I broke up with Joyce Kim.
Sheldon: You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea.
Leonard: To mend her broken heart. This situation is much less complicated. There’s some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV. She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him.
Sheldon: So we get to have a scene with him?
Leonard: No, Sheldon, there’s not going to be a scene. There’s two of us and one of him.
Sheldon: Leonard, the two of us can’t even carry a TV. 
Scene: Back at the apartment.
Penny (to Raj): So, you guys work with Leonard and Sheldon at the University?
(Raj looks at her, looks back at his food, takes a mouthful).
Penny: Uh, I’m sorry, do you speak English?
Howard: Oh, he speaks English, he just can’t speak to women.
Penny: Really, why?
Howard: He’s kind of a nerd. Juice box?
Scene: Outside Penny’s old apartment building.
Leonard (pushes buzzer): I’ll do the talking.
Voice from buzzer: Yeah.
Leonard: Hi, I’m Leonard, this is Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: What did I just…. Uh, we’re here to pick up Penny’s TV.
Voice: Get lost.
Sheldon: Okay, thanks for your time.
Leonard: We’re not going to give up just like that.
Sheldon: Leonard, the TV is in the building, we’ve been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.
Leonard: Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang.
Sheldon: My apologies. What’s your plan.
(Leonard starts rattling the doors violently.)
Sheldon: It’s just a privilege to watch your mind at work.
Leonard: Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360, we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.
(Two girl scouts arrive carrying bags of cookies. One runs her hand down the intercom, pushing all the buttons. The door is buzzed open.)
Sheldon: What do you think their combined IQ is?
Leonard: Just grab the door.
Scene: Outside Penny’s ex-boyfriend’s apartment.
Leonard: This is it. (Knocks.) I’ll do the talking.
Sheldon: Good thinking, I’ll just be the muscle.
Enormous man: Yeah?
Leonard: I’m Leonard, this is Sheldon.
Sheldon: From the intercom.
Man: How the hell did you get in the building?
Leonard: Oh. We’re scientists.
Sheldon: Tell him about our IQ.
Scene: Outside the apartment building. Leonard and Sheldon exit. They are not wearing trousers.
Sheldon: Leonard.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: My mom bought me those pants.
Leonard: I’m sorry.
Sheldon: You’re going to have to call her.
Scene: On the stairs of Sheldon and Leonard’s building.
Leonard: Sheldon, I’m so sorry I dragged you through this.
Sheldon: It’s okay. It wasn’t my first pantsing, and it won’t be my last.
Leonard: And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny that might have some day led to sex.
Sheldon: Well you got me out of my pants.
Leonard: Anyway, I’ve learned my lesson. She’s out of my league, I’m done with her, I’ve got my work, one day I’ll win the Nobel Prize and then I’ll die alone.
Sheldon: Don’t think like that, you’re not going to die alone.
Leonard: Thank you Sheldon, you’re a good friend.
Sheldon: And you’re certainly not going to win a Nobel Prize.
Scene: Inside Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment.
Howard: This is one of my favourite places to kick back after a quest, they have a great house ale.
Penny: Wow, cool tiger.
Howard: Yeah, I’ve had him since level ten. His name is Buttons. Anyway, if you had your own game character we could hang out, maybe go on a quest.
Penny: Uh, sounds interesting.
Howard: So you’ll think about it?
Penny: Oh, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop thinking about it.
Raj: Smooth.
Leonard: We’re home.
Penny: Oh, my God, what happened?
Leonard: Well, your ex-boyfriend sends his regards and I think the rest is fairly self-explanatory.
Penny: I’m so sorry, I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldn’t be such an ass.
Leonard: No, it was a valid hypothesis.
Sheldon: That was a valid hypothesis? What is happening to you?
Penny: Really, thank you so much for going and trying you’re, uh, you’re so terrific. Why don’t you put some clothes on, I’ll get my purse and dinner is on me, okay?
Leonard: Really? Great.
Sheldon: Thank you. You’re not done with her, are you?
Leonard: Our babies will be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.
Scene: All five in Leonard’s car.
Leonard: Is Thai food okay with you Penny?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: We can’t have Thai food, we had Indian for lunch.
Penny: So?
Sheldon: They’re both curry based cuisines.
Penny: So?
Sheldon: They would be gastronomically redundant. I can see we’re going to have to spell out everything for this girl.
Penny: Any ideas Raj? (He just looks at her with a worried expression.)
Howard: Turn left on Lake Street and head up to Colorado. I know a wonderful little sushi bar that has karaoke.
Penny: That sounds like fun.
Howard (sings): Baby, baby don’t get hooked on me. Uh, baby, baby don’t get hooked on me.
Sheldon: I don’t know what your odds are in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you’re a veritable Mack Daddy.
Written by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady

Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. Sheldon, Leonard, Howard and Raj are present.
Leonard: There you go, Pad Thai, no peanuts.
Howard: But does it have peanut oil?
Leonard: Uh, I’m not sure, everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts to swell up.
Sheldon: Since it’s not bee season, you can have my epinephrine.
Raj: Are there any chopsticks?
Sheldon: You don’t need chopsticks, this is Thai food.
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: Thailand has had the fork since the latter half of the nineteenth century. Interestingly they don’t actually put the fork in their mouth, they use it to put the food on a spoon which then goes into their mouth.
Leonard: Ask him for a napkin, I dare you. (There is a knock on the door.) I’ll get it.
Howard: Do I look puffy? I feel puffy.
(Leonard opens door to Penny, steps into hallway)
Penny: Hey Leonard.
Leonard: Oh, hi Penny.
Penny: Am I interrupting.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon (off): You’re not swelling, Howard.
Howard (off): No, no, look at my fingers, they’re like Vienna sausages.
Penny: Sounds like you have company.
Leonard: They’re not going anywhere. (Closes door, staying in hallway.) So, you’re coming home from work. That’s great. How was work.
Penny: Well, you know, it’s the Cheesecake Factory. People order cheesecake, and I bring it to them.
Leonard: So, you sort of act as a carbohydrate delivery system.
Penny: Yeah, call it whatever you want, I get minimum wage. Yeah, anyways, I was wondering if you could help me out with something, I was….
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: Oh. Okay, great, I’m having some furniture delivered tomorrow, and I may not be here, so…. (apartment door opens, Sheldon, Raj and Howard appear) Oh! Hel…hello!
Howard: (speaks a phrase in Russian).
Penny: I’m sorry?
Howard: Haven’t you ever been told how beautiful you are in flawless Russian?
Penny: No, I haven’t.
Howard: Get used to it.
Penny: Yeah, I probably won’t, but… Hey Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hi.
Penny: Hey Raj! (Raj looks uncomfortable) Still not talking to me, huh?
Sheldon: Don’t take it personally, it’s his pathology, he can’t talk to women.
Howard: He can’t talk to attractive women, or in your case a cheesecake–scented Goddess!
Leonard: So, there’s gonna be some furniture delivered?
Penny: Yeah, yeah, if it gets here and I’m not here tomorrow could you just sign for it and have them put it in my apartment.
Leonard: Yeah, no problem.
Penny: Great, here’s my spare key. Thank you.
Leonard: Penny, wait.
Penny: Yeah?
Leonard: Um, if you don’t have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?
Penny: A marathon? Wow, how many Superman movies are there?
Sheldon: You’re kidding, right?
Penny: Yeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her, which one was that? 
Leonard,Sheldon and Howard together: One. (Raj raises one finger). 
Sheldon: You realise that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy.
Penny: Yes, I know, men can’t fly.
Sheldon: Oh no, let’s assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces. 
Leonard: Unless, Superman matches her speed and decelerates. 
Sheldon: In what space, sir, in what space? She’s two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he’d let her hit the pavement. It would be a more merciful death.
Leonard: Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength.
Sheldon: Are you listening to yourself, it is well established that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength, it is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth’s yellow Sun.
Howard: Yeah, and you don’t have a problem with that, how does he fly at night.
Sheldon: Uh, a combination of the moon’s solar reflection and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.
Penny: I’m just going to go wash up.
Leonard: I have 26 hundred comic books in there, I challenge you to find a single reference to Kryptonian skin cells.
Sheldon: Challenge accepted. (Tries door.) We’re locked out.
Raj: Also, the pretty girl left.
Credit sequence.
Scene: Ground floor hallway of the apartment building. Leonard is signing for the delivery.
Leonard: Okay, her apartment’s on the fourth floor but the elevator’s broken so you’re going to have to (delivery man leaves) oh, you’re just going to be done, okay, cool, thanks. I guess we’ll just bring it up ourselves.
Sheldon: I hardly think so. 
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: Well, we don’t have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.
Leonard: We don’t need strength, we’re physicists. We are the intellectual descendents of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the Earth, it’s just a matter… (starts to move package) I don’t have this… I don’t have this I don’t have this.
Sheldon: Archimedes would be so proud.
Leonard: Do you have any ideas?
Sheldon: Yes, but they all involve a green lantern and a power ring.
Time shift, Leonard and Sheldon are now lowering the package onto the bottom of the stairs.
Leonard: Easy, easy (package falls) Okay! Now we’ve got an inclined plane. The force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs, call it thirty degrees, so about half. 
Sheldon: Exactly half.
Leonard (snarkily): Exactly half. Let’s push. Okay, see, it’s moving, this is easy, all in the math. 
Sheldon: What’s your formula for the corner.
Leonard: What? Oh, okay, uh, okay, yeah, no problem, just come up here and help me pull and turn.
(Sheldon heads up the stairs. The package slides back down to the bottom.)
Sheldon: Ah, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.
Time shift, they now have the package on an upstairs hallway, not their own.
Sheldon: You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?
Leonard: Men do things for women without expecting sex.
Sheldon: Yeah, those are men who just had sex.
Leonard: I’m doing this to be a good neighbour. In any case, there’s no way it could lower the odds.
Quick cut to the hallway of their floor, they are nearing the top of the staircase.
Leonard: Almost there, almost there, almost there. (Lets go of package, it starts to slip down)
Sheldon: No we’re not, no we’re not, no we’re not.
Scene: Inside Penny’s apartment. They are laying the package down on the floor.
Sheldon: Watch your fingers. Watch your fingers. Oh God, my fingers!
Leonard: You okay?
Sheldon: No, it hurt… (looking around) Great Caesar’s Ghost, look at this place?
Leonard: So Penny’s a little messy.
Sheldon: A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organisational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I’m just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table’s having a tiny garage sale. 
Leonard: Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort, organise and label the entire world around them?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Well they don’t. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don’t sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fibre content.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but I think we’ve both found that helpful at times.
Leonard: Come on, we should go.
Sheldon: Hang on.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Straightening up.
Leonard: Sheldon, this is not your home.
Sheldon: This is not anyone’s home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy.
Leonard: When the transvestite lived here, you didn’t care how he kept the place.
Sheldon: Because it was immaculate, I mean, you open that man’s closet, it was left to right, evening gowns, cocktail dresses, then his police uniforms.
Leonard: What were you doing in his closet?
Sheldon: I helped run some cable for a webcam.
Penny (entering): Hey guys.
Leonard: Oh, hey Penny, this just arrived, we just brought this up, just now.
Penny: Great. Was it hard getting it up the stairs?
Sheldon: (sucks in breath)
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Well, we’ll get out of your hair.
Penny: Oh, great, thank you again (she throws her jacket over the back of the sofa).
Sheldon: Penny, I just want you to know that, you don’t have to live like this. I’m here for you.
Penny: What’s he talking about?
Leonard: It’s a joke.
Penny: I don’t get it.
Leonard: Yeah, he didn’t tell it right.
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom, he is asleep. Sound of door opening and closing somewhere else is heard. Leonard wakes, puts on his glasses and looks at the clock. It is 2:16.
Leonard: Sheldon?
Scene: The living room. Leonard enters carrying a light sabre.
Leonard: Sheldon? Hello? 
(Notices front door is open, turns off light sabre.)
Scene: Penny’s apartment, penny is sleeping, Sheldon is cleaning. Leonard enters.
Leonard: Sheldon!
Sheldon: Sssshhhh! Penny’s sleeping.
Leonard: Are you insane, you can’t just break into a woman’s apartment in the middle of the night and clean.
Sheldon: I had no choice. I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was… this.
Leonard: Do you realise that if Penny wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation as to why we’re here?
Sheldon: I just gave you a reasonable explanation.
Leonard: No, no. You gave me an explanation, it’s reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.
Sheldon: Don’t be ridiculous. I have no peers.
Leonard: Sheldon, we have to get out of here.
(Penny snores)
Sheldon: You might want to speak in a lower register.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they’ll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.
Leonard: That’s ridiculous. (Penny snores again.)
Sheldon: No, (lowering his voice dramatically,) that’s ridiculous.
Leonard (doing likewise): Fine. I accept your premise, now please let’s go.
Sheldon: I am not leaving until I’m done.
Leonard: O-o-o-oh! (Collapses against wall).
Sheldon: If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.
Leonard: Oh, what the hell.
Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s living room, morning. Sheldon enters, singing to himself. 
Sheldon: Morning.
Leonard: Morning. 
Sheldon: I have to say, I slept splendidly. Granted, not long, but just deeply and well.
Leonard: I’m not surprised. A well known folk cure for insomnia is to break into your neighbour’s apartment and clean.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Leonard: You think?
Sheldon: Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement of Penny’s quality of life.
Leonard: You know what, you’ve convinced me, maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.
Sheldon: You don’t think that crosses a line?
Leonard: Yes! For God’s sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth.
Sheldon: You have a sarcasm sign?
Leonard: No, I do not have a sarcasm sign.
Sheldon: Do you want some cereal. I’m feeling so good today I’m going to choose from the low fibre end of the shelf. Hello, Honey Puffs.
Penny (voice off): Son of a Bitch!
Leonard: Penny’s up.
Penny (voice off): You sick, geeky bastards!
Leonard: How did she know it was us?
Sheldon: I may have left a suggested organisational schematic for her bedroom closet.
Penny (voice off): Leonard!
Leonard: God, this is going to be bad.
Sheldon: Goodbye, Honey Puffs, hello Big Bran.
Penny (entering): You came into my apartment last night when I was sleeping?
Leonard: Yes, but, only to clean.
Sheldon: Really more to organise, you’re not actually dirty, per se.
Penny: Give me back my key.
Leonard: I’m very, very sorry.
Penny: Do you understand how creepy this is.
Leonard: Oh, yes, we discussed it at length last night.
Penny: In my apartment, while I was sleeping.
Sheldon: And snoring. And that’s probably just a sinus infection, but it could be sleep apnoea, you might want to see an otolaryngologist. It’s a throat doctor.
Penny: And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?
Sheldon: Depending on the depth, that’s either a proctologist or a general surgeon. (Leonard holds up a sign reading “Sarcasm”) Oh!
Penny: God!
Leonard: Okay, look, no Penny, I think what you’re feeling is perfectly valid, and maybe a little bit later today when you’re feeling a little bit less, for lack of a better word, violated, maybe we could talk about this some more.
Penny: Stay away from me.
Leonard: Sure, that’s another way to go.
Sheldon: Penny, Penny, just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organisational paradigm. (Penny stares in disbelief, then leaves.) Well that was a little non-responsive.
Leonard: You are going to march yourself over there right now and apologise. (Sheldon laughs.) What’s funny?
Sheldon: That wasn’t sarcasm?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Wooh, boy, you are all over the place this morning. (Knocks on Penny’s door.) I have a masters and two PhD’s, I should not have to do this.
Penny (opening door): What?
Sheldon: I am truly sorry for what happened last night, I take full responsibility. And I hope that it won’t colour your opinion of Leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy, but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover. (Penny closes door in his face.) I did what I could.
Scene: The stairwell. Raj is coming up the stairs, he meets Penny who is going down.
Penny: Hey Raj. (Raj stands looking uncomfortable.) Hey, listen, I don’t know if you heard about what happened last night with Leonard and Sheldon, but I’m really upset about it, I mean they just, they let themselves into my place, and then they cleaned it, I mean can you even believe that? How weird is that?
Raj (internally, while Penny continues to talk): Ooh, she’s standing very close to me. Oh my, she does smell good. What is that, vanilla?
Penny: You know, where I come from, someone comes into your house at night, you shoot, okay? And you don’t shoot to wound. I mean, alright, my sister shot her husband, but it was an accident, they were drunk. What was I saying?
Raj (internally): She’s so chatty. Maybe my parents are right. Maybe I’d be better off with an Indian girl. We’d have the same cultural background, and my wife would sing to my children the same lullabies my mother sang to me. 
Penny: It’s obvious that they meant well, but I’m just, I’m having a really rough time, like I said, I broke up with my boyfriend, and it’s just freaking me out.
Raj (internally sings an Indian lullaby.)
Penny: I mean, just because most of the men I’ve known in my life happen to be jerks, doesn’t mean I should just assume Leonard and Sheldon are. Right?
Raj (internally): She asked me a question. I should probably nod. (Does.)
Penny: That’s exactly what I thought. Thank you for listening. You’re a doll. (She hugs him.)
Raj (internally): Oh-oh. Turn your pelvis. (Does.)
Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s living room. Howard is there, playing on a dance video game. 
Howard (jumping off game mat): Grab a napkin, homie. You just got served. 
Leonard: It’s fine. You win.
Howard: What’s his problem?
Sheldon: His imaginary girlfriend broke up with him.
Howard: Been there.
Raj (entering): Hello. Sorry I’m late. But I was in the hallway, chatting up Penny.
Howard: Really? You? Rajesh Koothrapali, spoke to Penny?
Raj: Actually, I was less the chatter than the chattee.
Leonard: What did she say? Is she still mad at me?
Raj: Well, she was upset at first, but, probably because her sister shot somebody. Then there was something about you and… then she hugged me.
Howard: She hugged you? How did she hug you? (Raj hugs Howard.) Is that her perfume I smell?
Raj: intoxicating, isn’t it?
Scene: The hallway, Leonard puts a note under Penny’s door. It opens.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Oh.
Penny: What’s going on?
Leonard: Um, here’s the thing. (Reads from note.) Penny. Just as Oppenheimer came to regret his contributions to the first atomic bomb, so too I regret my participation in what was, at the very least, an error in judgement. The hallmark of the great human experiment is the willingness to recognise one’s mistakes. Some mistakes, such as Madame Curie’s discovery of Radium turned out to have great scientific potential even though she would later die a slow, painful death from radiation poisoning. Another example, from the field of ebola research….
Penny: Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny (hugs him): We’re okay. (Kisses him on cheek. Closes door. Leonard looks happy, walks back across hallway and straight into the apartment door.)
Scene: Penny’s apartment. Sheldon and Leonard are trying to construct furniture.
Leonard: Six two inch dowels.
Sheldon: Check.
Leonard: One package, Phillips head screws.
Sheldon: Check.
Penny: Guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm, okay, I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was like twelve, I think I can put together a cheap Swedish media centre. 
Leonard: No, please, we insist, it’s the least we can do considering. 
Sheldon: Considering what? How great this place looks?
Howard (across room with Raj): Oh boy, I was afraid of this.
Leonard: What?
Howard: These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This right here is why Sweden has no space program.
Penny: Well, uh, it looked pretty good in the store.
Leonard: It is an inefficient design, for example Penny has a flat screen TV, which means all the space behind it is wasted.
Sheldon: We could put her stereo back there.
Leonard: And control it how?
Sheldon: Run an infra-red repeater, photocell here, emitter here, easy peasy. 
Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): Good point, how you gonna cool it?
Penny: Hey guys, I got this. 
Sheldon: Hang on Penny. How about fans, here and here?
Leonard: Also inefficient, and might be loud.
Howard: How about liquid coolant? Maybe a little aquarium pump here, run some quarter inch PVC…
Penny: Guys, this is actually really simple.
Howard: Hold on, honey, men at work. The PVC comes down here, maybe a little corrugated sheet metal as a radiator here.
Leonard: Oh, really, show me where we put a drip tray, a sluice and an overflow reservoir?
Sheldon: And if water is involved we’re going to have to ground the crap out of the thing. 
Penny: Guys, it’s hot in here, I think I’ll just take off all my clothes. 
Leonard: Oh, I’ve got it. How about if we replace panels A, B and F and crossbar H with aircraft grade aluminium. 
Sheldon: Right, then the entire thing’s one big heat sink.
Howard: Perfect, Leonard, why don’t you and Sheldon go down to the junk yard and pick up about six square metres of scrap aluminium, Raj and I will run down to my lab and get the oxy-acetaline torch.
Leonard: Meet back here in an hour?
Howard: Done.
Leonard: Got it. (They all leave).
Penny: Okay, this place does look pretty good.

Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. Sheldon, Leonard, Howard and Raj are using laptops. All are wearing microphone headsets.
Howard: Alright, just a few more feet, and…. here we are gentlemen, the Gates of Elzebub.
Sheldon: Good lord!
Raj: Oooh.
Leonard: Don’t panic, this is what the last 97 hours have been about.
Howard: Stay frosty, there’s a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword of Azeroth.
Leonard: Warriors, unsheathe your weapons, magic wielders raise your wands.
Sheldon: Lock and load. 
Howard: Raj, blow up the gates.
Raj: Blowing the gates. Control, shift, B! Oh, my God, so many goblins!
Howard: Don’t just stand there, slash and move, slash and move.
Leonard: Stay in formation.
Howard: Leonard, you’ve got one on your tail.
Leonard: That’s alright, my tail’s prehensile, I’ll swat him off.
Raj: I’ve got him Leonard. Tonight I spice my meat with goblin blood!
Leonard: Raj, no, it’s a trap, they’re flanking us!
Raj: Oooh, he’s got me.
Howard: Sheldon, he’s got Raj, use your sleath spell. Sheldon! Sheldon!
Sheldon: I’ve got the Sword of Azeroth!
Leonard: Forget the sword, Sheldon, help Raj.
Sheldon: There is no more Sheldon, I am the Swordmaster!
Howard: Leonard look out!
Leonard: Dammit man, we’re dying here. 
Sheldon: Goodbye, peasants. 
Leonard: The bastard teleported. 
Raj: He’s selling the Sword of Azeroth on ebay.
Leonard: You betrayed us for money, who are you?
Sheldon: I’m a rogue knight elf, don’t you people read character descriptions? Wait, wait, wait, somebody just clicked “buy it now.”
Howard: I am the Swordmaster!
Credits sequence
Scene: The same.
Sheldon: Wooh, I’m all sweaty, anybody want to log on to second life and go swimming, I just built a virtual pool.
Leonard: No, I can’t look at you or your avatar right now.
(Sound of female laughter from out in the hall).
Howard: Sounds like your neighbour’s home.
Leonard: Excuse me.
Sheldon: Don’t forget the mail you took accidentally on purpose so you’d have an excuse to talk to her.
Leonard: Oh, right, right right right right.
Howard: Stealing snail mail, very old school, I like it. 
Leonard (exiting to hallway): Penny, the mailman did it again, he… (looks up to see Penny kissing a hunky man) Oh! Sorry.
Penny: Um, no, hi Leonard, this is Doug, Doug, this is my neighbour Leonard.
Doug: What’s up bro.
Leonard: Not much. Bro. 
Penny: Is, is everything okay.
Leonard: Uh, yeah, uh, I just, I got your mail again, here.
Penny: Thank you, I’ve got to talk to that mailman.
Leonard: Oh no, that’s probably not such a good idea. Civil servants have a documented propensity to, you know, snap. 
Penny: Okay, well, thank you, again.
Leonard: No problem. Bye. Oh, and, bye, bro! (Returns to apartment).
Sheldon: Penny for your thoughts. 
Raj: What’s the matter.
Leonard: No, I’m fine. Penny’s fine, the guy she’s kissing is really fine and…
Howard: Kissing, what kind of kissing? Cheeks? Lips? Chaste? French? 
Leonard: What is wrong with you?
Howard: I’m a romantic.
Sheldon: Please don’t tell me that your hopeless infatuation is devolving into pointless jealousy.
Leonard: No, I’m not jealous, I’m just a little concerned for her. I didn’t like the look of the guy that she was with.
Howard: Because he looked better than you?
Leonard: Yeah. He was kinda dreamy.
Sheldon: Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smouldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her, and analyse the data so that you don’t crash into geek mountain again.
Howard: I disagree, love is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. A relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms. Or hits you with the pepper spray. 
Leonard: Well, I’m done with Penny. I’m going to be more realistic and go after someone my own speed.
Raj: Like who?
Leonard: I don’t know. Olivia Geiger?
Sheldon: The dietician at the cafeteria with the limp and the lazy eye?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Well, I don’t think you have a shot there. I have noticed that Lesley Winkle recently started shaving her legs. Now, given that winter is coming one can only assume that she is signalling sexual availability. 
Howard: I don’t know, you guys work in the same lab.
Leonard: So?
Howard: There are pitfalls, trust me, I know. When it comes to sexual harassment law I’m… a bit of a self-taught expert. 
Leonard: Look, Howard, if I were to ask Lesley Winkle out it would just be for dinner, I’m not going to walk into the lab, ask her to strip naked and dance for me.
Howard: Oh, then you’re probably okay.
Scene: Howard and Lesley’s lab.
Leonard: Hello Lesley.
Lesley: Hi Leonard. 
Leonard: Lesley I would like to propose an experiment.
Lesley: Goggles, Leonard.
Leonard: Right. Lesley, I would like to propose an experiment.
Lesley: Hang on. I’m trying to see how long it takes a five hundred kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my cup o’ noodles.
Leonard: Pfff, I’ve done it, about two seconds, 2.6 for minestrone. Anyway, I was thinking more of a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay. 
Lesley: Wait, are you asking me out?
Leonard: I was going to characterise it as the modification of our colleague/friendship paradigm, with the addition of a date-like component. But we don’t need to quibble over terminology. 
Lesley: What sort of experiment would you propose?
Leonard: There is a generally accepted pattern in this area, I would pick you up, take you to a restaurant, then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock. 
Lesley: Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the bio-chemical reaction during the goodnight kiss.
Leonard: Heartrate, pheromones, etc, yes. 
Lesley: Well, why don’t we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable.
Leonard: You mean, kiss you now?
Lesley: Yes. 
Leonard: Can you define the parameters of the kiss?
Lesley: Closed mouth but romantic. Mint?
Leonard: Thank you. (Takes mint). Shall I count down from three?
Lesley: No, I think it needs to be spontaneous.
(They kiss.)
Lesley: What do you think.
Leonard: You proposed the experiment, I think you should present your findings first.
Lesley: Fair enough. On the plus side, it was a good kiss, reasonable technique, no extraneous spittle. On the other hand, no arousal. 
Leonard: None?
Lesley: None.
Leonard: Ah. Well, thank you for your time.
Lesley: Thank you. 
(They shake hands. Leonard leaves. Then returns.)
Leonard: None at all?
Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s flat. Sheldon, Raj and Howard are playing Jenga. 
Howard: Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn’t, would you want me to tell you?
Sheldon: That depends. When I learn that I’m a robot, will I be able to handle it?
Howard: Maybe, although the history of science-fiction is not on your side. 
Sheldon: Uh, let me ask you this. When I learn that I’m a robot, would I be bound by Asimov’s three laws of robotics?
Raj: You might be bound by them right now.
Howard: That’s true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or through inaction allowed a human being to come to harm?
Sheldon: Of course not. 
Howard: Have you ever harmed yourself, or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would have been endangered?
Sheldon: Well, no.
Howard: I smell robot. 
Leonard (entering): Hey, what’s going on.
Sheldon: The internet’s been down for half an hour. 
Raj: Also, Sheldon may be a robot. 
Howard: So, how did it go with Lesley? 
Leonard: Oh, we tried kissing, but the earth didn’t move. I mean any more than the 383 miles that it was going to move anyway. 
Sheldon: Oh, I’ve seen that look before. This is just going to be two weeks of moping and tedious emo songs, and calling me to come down to pet stores to look at cats. I don’t know if I can take it. 
Raj: You could power down.
Howard: Well, as usual, Wolowitz has the solution. I happen to know a place where there are plenty of eligible women, and Leonard could have his pick.
Scene: A salsa class. The four guys and a random fat bloke salsa opposite five middle-aged women.
Class instructor: Remember the Latin hips. Shoulders stay still, and we sway. One two three. Five six seven. 
Howard (to Leonard): I think Mrs Tishman’s got her eye on you. I’ve been there, you’re in for a treat. 
Scene: The flat, Leonard is entering, singing to himself a depressing emo song.
Sheldon: Oh, good lord.
Leonard (singing): You don’t know me, you don’t wear my chains… God, that’s a good song. 
Sheldon: If you’re compiling a mix CD for a double suicide. (Leonard is taking supplies out of a bag) Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you.
Leonard: I know what you’re thinking, I’ve taken your asthma into account. There’s a feline geneticist in San Diego who has developed the cutest little hypo-allergenic calicos. 
Sheldon: Leonard, listen to me…
Leonard: I’ve been thinking about names, I’m kind of torn between Einstein, Newton and Sergeant Fuzzyboots. 
Sheldon: Leonard, do you really think you can satisfy your need for a relationship with a genetically altered cat?
Leonard: Maybe, if it’s a cute little cuddly cat.
Sheldon: Oh, come on, Leonard! This is obviously about Penny. 
Leonard: It doesn’t matter. The woman’s not interested in me, the woman rejected me. 
Sheldon: Okay, look, I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the centre of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did no reject you. You did not ask her out. 
Leonard: You’re right. I didn’t ask her out, I should ask her out.
Sheldon: No. No, now that was not my point. My point was, don’t buy a cat. 
Leonard: No, but you’re right. I should march over there and ask her out. 
Sheldon: Oh, goody, we’re getting a cat. 
Scene: The hallway. Leonard knocks on Penny’s door. 
Penny (opening door): Ah, hey Leonard.
Leonard: Good afternoon Penny, so hi, hey. Uh… I was wondering if you had plans for dinner.
Penny: Uh, do you mean dinner tonight?
Leonard: There is an inherent ambiguity in the word dinner. Technically it refers to the largest meal of the day whenever it is consumed, so, to clarify here, by dinner I mean supper.
Penny: Supper?
Leonard: Or dinner. I was thinking six thirty, if you can go, or a different time.
Penny: Uh, six thirty’s great.
Leonard: Really? Great!
Penny: Yeah, I like hanging out with you guys.
Leonard: Us guys?
Penny: You know, Sheldon, Howard, Raj, who all’s coming?
Leonard: They…. might all be there. Or a subset of them might be there, uh, algebraically speaking there are too many unknowns, for example Sheldon had Quizznos for lunch, sometimes he finds that filling, other times he doesn’t, it’s no fault of Quizznos, they have a varied menu.
Penny: Okay, whatever, it sounds like fun.
Leonard: Great. Did we say a time?
Penny: Six thirty.
Leonard: And that’s still good for you.
Penny: It’s fine.
Leonard: Cos it’s not carved in stone.
Penny: No, six thirty’s great.
Leonard: I’ll get my chisel.
Penny: Why?
Leonard: To… carve the… okay, I’ll see you six thirty.
Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. Leonard enters from bedrooms, dressed in a smart shirt and trousers. They are covered in sweat stains.
Leonard: How do I look?
Sheldon: Could you be more specific?
Leonard: Can you tell I’m perspiring a little?
Sheldon: No. The dark crescent-shaped patterns under your arms conceal it nicely. What time is your date?
Leonard: Six thirty. 
Sheldon: Perfect, that gives you two hours and fifteen minutes for that dense molecular cloud of Aramis to dissipate. 
Leonard: Is it too much?
Sheldon: Not if you’re a rugby team. 
Leonard: By the way, if it should ever come up, you didn’t join us because you stuffed yourself with a chicken carbonara sub at Quizznos. 
Sheldon: Why would I join you?
Leonard: No reason. Oh, you know what, maybe this isn’t such a good idea. 
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, well now, there’s always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgement on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.
Leonard: You’re right, alcohol, poor judgement, it could go well.
Sheldon: Of course, there’s the other possibility that this date kicks off a rather unpleasant six months of the two of you passing awkwardly in the hall until one of you breaks down and moves to another zip code.
Leonard: You could have stopped at “it could go well.”
Sheldon: If I could of, I would of. 
Leonard: I mean, I’m a perfectly nice guy. There’s no reason we couldn’t go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe take a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common, “you love pottery? I love pottery!” You know, there’s a pause, we both know what’s happening, I lean in, we kiss, it’s a little tentative at first but then I realise, she’s kissing me back, and she’s biting my lower lip, you know, she wants me, this thing is going the distance, we’re going to have sex! Oh God! Oh, my God!
Sheldon: Is the sex starting now?
Leonard: I’m having a panic attack.
Sheldon: Oh, okay, well then, calm down.
Leonard: If I could calm down I wouldn’t be having a panic attack, that’s why they call it a panic attack.
Sheldon: Alright, alright, well, just, sit down, yes, sit down, now close your eyes.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: Just do it.
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: Now try to increase your alpha-wave activity.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: It’s a bio-feedback technique, it’s relaxation through brain-wave manipulation, I read a paper about it in the Journal of American Neuroscience, it was a little sparsely sourced but I think the basic science is valid, I probably have it here somewhere.
Leonard: Oh, who am I kidding, I can’t go through with this, you need to call her and cancel.
Sheldon: Me?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: What should I tell her.
Leonard: I don’t know. Tell her I’m sick.
Sheldon: Okay.
Leonard: Not the kind of illness that will make her want to come over and take care of me, but nothing so critical that she’ll feel uncomfortable going out with me in the future if I want to try this again.
Sheldon: Got it. So I’m assuming nothing venereal. I’ll just tell her that you had a routine colonoscopy and haven’t quite bounced back.
Leonard: Give me the phone. 
Sheldon: But I thought you wanted to cancel?
Leonard: I can’t because if I don’t show up she’ll still be expecting you.
Sheldon: Why would she be expecting me? 
Leonard: Stop asking me all these questions, I need to take another shower.
Scene: A restaurant.
Penny: So are the rest of the guys meeting us here?
Leonard: Oh, yeah, no. Turns out that Raj and Howard had to work, and Sheldon had a colonoscopy and he hasn’t quite bounced back yet. 
Penny: Ooh, my uncle just had a colonoscopy.
Leonard: You’re kidding, well, then, that’s something we have in common. 
Penny: How?
Leonard: We both have people in our lives who… want to nip intestinal polyps in the bud. 
Penny: So, what’s new in the world of physics?
Leonard: Nothing.
Penny: Really, nothing?
Leonard: Well, with the exception of string theory, not much has happened since the 1930’s, and you can’t prove string theory, at best you can say “hey, look, my idea has an internal logical consistency.”
Penny: Ah. Well I’m sure things will pick up. 
Leonard: What’s new at the Cheesecake Factory?
Penny: Oh, uh, not much. We do have a chocolate key lime that’s moving pretty well. 
Leonard: Good. Good. And what about your, uh, hallway friend.
Penny: Doug? Oh, yeah, I dunno, I mean, he’s nice and funny, but…
Waitress: Can I get you started with some drinks?
Leonard: No, (waves her away) You were saying, but…
Penny: I’d like a drink.
Leonard: Just say the but thing about Doug and then I’ll get her back. 
Penny: Okay, well, you know, it’s just me. I’m still getting over this break-up with Kurt, and this thing with Doug would be just rebound sex.
Leonard: Ugh, don’t get me started on rebound sex.
Penny: It’s just, it’s my pattern. I break up, then I find some cute guy, and then it’s just thirty six meaningless of… well, you know. 
Leonard: I’m not sure that I do. Um, is that one thirty-six hour experience, or is it thirty six hours spread out over say, one… glorious summer.
Penny: No, it’s usually over a weekend, and trust me, you do not feel good after it.
Leonard: Well, chafing, right?
Penny: Emotionally.
Leonard: Of course, yeah, emotional chafing. Hey, do you want to see something cool? (Penny nods.) I can make this olive go into this glass without touching it. 
Penny: How?
Leonard: Physics. (He places the glass over the olive and spins it until the olive gets caught up on the side).
Penny: Wow, centrifugal force!
Leonard: Actually, it’s centripetal force, which is an inward force generated by the glass acting on the olive. (The olive drops.) Excuse me. (Leonard disappears under table.)Now, if you were riding on the olive, you’d be in a non-inertial reference frame, and would (he bangs his head on the underside of the table.)
Penny: Are you okay?
Leonard: Yeah, I’m okay. Did you spill ketchup?
Penny: No.
Leonard: I’m not okay.
Scene: The stairwell of the apartment building.
Penny: Are you sure you don’t want to go to the emergency room?
Leonard: No, no, I’m okay, it’s stopped bleeding.
Penny: I know, but you did throw up. Isn’t that a sign of a concussion?
Leonard: Yes, but I get car sick too, so…
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Sorry about your car, by the way.
Penny: Oh, no, it’s fine, you got most of it out the window. 
Leonard: The poor guy on the bike. I had a nice time.
Penny: Yeah, me too. Um, good night. (Leonard turns across hallway.) Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Was this supposed to be a date?
Leonard: This? No. No, of course not, this was just you and me hanging out with a bunch of guys who didn’t show up, because of work and a colonoscopy.
Penny: Okay, I was just checking.
Leonard: When I take a girl out on a date, and I do, she knows she’s been dated. Capital D. Bold face, underline, like Day-ted. I think I might have a little concussion, I’m going to go lay down for a while, good night. 
Scene: The apartment, Leonard enters.
Sheldon: So, how was your date?
Leonard: Awesome!
Sheldon: Score one for liquor and poor judgement.

Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment.
Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about time travel again.
Leonard: Why, did you hit a roadblock with invisibility?
Sheldon: Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine, I’d just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.
Leonard: Interesting.
Sheldon: Yeah, it really takes the pressure off. 
Leonard: Sounds like a breakthrough, should I call the science magazines and tell them to hold the front cover? (Exiting the apartment.)
Sheldon: It’s time travel, Leonard, I will have already done that. 
Leonard: Then I guess congratulations are in order.
Sheldon: No, congratulations will have been in order. You know, I’m not going to enjoy this party.
Leonard: I know, I’m familiar with you.
Sheldon: At the last department party, Dr Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.
Leonard: Yes, I was there.
Sheldon: You know what’s interesting about caves, Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Nothing.
Leonard: Well then we’ll avoid Finkleday, we’ll meet the new department head, congratulate him, shake his hand and go. 
Sheldon: How’s this? Pleased to meet you, Dr Gablehouser. How fortunate for you that the University has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you’ve done no original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement. Mahalo.
Leonard: Mahalo’s a nice touch. 
Sheldon: Do you know there are only eight consonants in the Hawaiian language.
Leonard: Interesting, you should lead with that.
Scene: The department party. Sheldon, Raj and Leonard are at the buffet table. 
Raj: Oh, God, Look at this buffet. I love America.
Leonard: You don’t have buffets in India?
Raj: Of course, but it’s all Indian food. You can’t find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life. Schmear me.
Sheldon: Well here’s an interesting turn of events.
Leonard: What. (Sees Howard entering with a statuesque blonde) Howard brought a date?
Sheldon: A more plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an amazing leap forward.
Howard: Hey, what up, science bitches? May I introduce my special lady friend, Summer. (Puts arm around her.)
Summer: I already told you, touching’s extra.
Howard: Right. Sorry.
Leonard (to Sheldon): Here comes our new boss, be polite.
Gablehouser: Hi fellas, Eric Gablehouser.
Howard: Howard Wolowitz.
Gablehouser: Howard, nice to meet you, and you are?
Sheldon: An actual real scientist. (To Leonard) How was that?
Scene: The stairwell of the apartment building. Sheldon is carrying a box of his things.
Sheldon: I can’t believe he fired me.
Leonard: Well, you did call him a glorified high-school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.
Sheldon: In my defence, I prefaced that by saying “with all due respect.”
Credit sequence.
Scene: The apartment, Sheldon is in the kitchen cooking, Leonard enters.
Leonard: Morning
Sheldon: Morning.
Leonard: You’re making eggs for breakfast?
Sheldon: This isn’t breakfast, it’s an experiment. 
Leonard: Huh? Cos it looks a lot like breakfast.
Sheldon: I finally have the time to test my hypothesis, about the separation of the water molecules from the egg proteins, and its impact vis-a-vis taste.
Leonard: Sounds yummy. I look forward to your work with bacon.
Sheldon: As do I.
Leonard: You know, I’m sure if you just apologised to Gablehauser he would give you your job back.
Sheldon: I don’t want my job back. I’ve spent the last three and a half years staring at greaseboards full of equations. Before that I spent four years working on my thesis. Before that I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade. This is my first day off in decades, and I’m going to savour it.
Leonard: Okay. I’ll let you get back to fixing your eggs.
Sheldon: I’m not just fixing my eggs, I’m fixing everyone’s eggs.
Leonard: And we all thank you.
(Sheldon takes his eggs and sits down. Takes a photograph of them. Writes in his notebook, then takes a forkful. Writes in notebook again.)
Sheldon: Use new eggs. (There is a knock on the door).
Penny (popping her head round): Hi, hey. I’m running out to the market, do you guys need anything?
Sheldon: Oh, well this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence.
Penny: I’m sorry?
Sheldon: I need eggs. Four dozen should suffice.
Penny: Four dozen?
Sheldon: Yes, and evenly distributed amongst brown, white, free range, large, extra-large and jumbo.
Penny: Okay, one more time?
Sheldon: Never mind, you won’t get it right, I’d better come with you.
Penny: Oh, yay!
Scene: Penny’s car
Penny: How come you didn’t go into work today.
Sheldon: I’m taking a sabbatical, because I won’t kow-tow to mediocre minds. 
Penny: So you got canned, huh?
Sheldon: Theoretical physicists do not get canned. But yeah. 
Penny: Well, maybe it’s all for the best, you know I always say, when one door closes, another one opens. 
Sheldon: No it doesn’t. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays, or there are motion sensors involved. 
Penny: No, no, I meant…
Sheldon: Or the first door closing causes a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.
Penny: Never mind. 
Sheldon: Slow down. Slow down, please slow down.
Penny: We’re fine.
Sheldon: Look, you’re not leaving yourself enough space between cars.
Penny: Oh, sure I am.
Sheldon: No, no. Let me do the math for you, this car weighs let’s say 4,000lb, now add say 140 for me, 120 for you.
Penny: 120?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?
Penny: Well, yeah.
Sheldon: Interesting. Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let’s say, 4,400lb.
Penny: Let’s say 4,390. 
Sheldon: Fine. We’re travelling forward at, good Lord, 51 miles an hour. Now let’s assume that your brakes are new and the callipers are aligned, still, by the time we come to a stop, we’ll be occupying the same space as that Buick in front of us, an impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation and… oh look, they built a new put-put course.
Scene: The supermarket.
Sheldon: This is great. Look at me, out in the real world of ordinary people, just living their ordinary, colourless, workaday lives. 
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: No, thank you. And thank you, ordinary person. Hey, you want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes.
Penny: Uh, no, no not really. Listen, didn’t you say you needed some eggs. 
Sheldon: Uh, yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket.
Penny: Oh, okay, well maybe you should start heading on out then. 
Sheldon: No, this is fun. Oh, the thing about tomatoes, and I think you’ll really enjoy this, is, they’re shelved with the vegetables, but they’re technically a fruit. 
Penny: Interesting.
Sheldon: Isn’t it?
Penny: No, I mean what you find enjoyable. 
Sheldon (as Penny selects vitamin supplements): Oh boy.
Penny: What now?
Sheldon: Well, there’s some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much, what you’re buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine. 
Penny: Well, maybe that’s what I was going for. 
Sheldon: Well then you’ll want some manganese.
Scene: On the stairwell of the apartment building. 
Sheldon: That was fun. Maybe tomorrow we can go to one of those big warehouse stores. 
Penny: Oh, I don’t know Sheldon, it’s going to take me a while to recover from all the fun I had today. 
Sheldon: Are you sure. There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk. For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one month’s supply at a time.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Well think about it, it’s a product that doesn’t spoil, and you’re going to be needing them for at least the next thirty years.
Penny: You want me to buy thirty years worth of tampons?
Sheldon: Well, thirty, thirty five, hey, when did your mother go into menopause?
Penny: Okay, I’m not talking about this with you.
Sheldon: Oh, Penny, this is a natural human process, and we’re talking about statistically significant savings. Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle and a 28 day cycle, are you fairly regular? (Penny shuts door in his face.) Okay, no warehouse store, but we’re still on for put-put golf, right?
Scene: The apartment, Sheldon has several bowls containing goldfish. 
Leonard (entering): Hey, I just ran into Penny, she seemed upset about something.
Sheldon: I think it’s her time of the month. I marked the calendar for future reference. 
Leonard: What’s with the fish?
Sheldon: It’s an experiment. 
Leonard: What happened to your scrambled egg research?
Sheldon: Oh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they’re ever going to be.
Leonard: So… fish. 
Sheldon: I read an article about Japanese scientists, who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals, and I thought hey, fish nightlights.
Leonard: Fish nightlights.
Sheldon: It’s a billion dollar idea. Shhhhh!
Leonard: Mum’s the word. Sheldon, are you sure you don’t want to just apologise to Gablehauser and get your job back.
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no. No, I’ve too much to do.
Leonard: Like luminous fish.
Sheldon: Shhhhh!
Leonard: Right… I didn’t….
Sheldon: That’s just the beginning. I also have an idea for a bulk mail-order feminine hygiene company. Oh, glow in the dark tampons! Leonard, we’re going to be rich. 
Scene: The stairwell of the apartment building. 
Leonard: Thank you for coming on such short notice.
Mrs Cooper: You did the right thing calling.
Leonard: I didn’t know what else to do, he’s lost all focus, every day he’s got a new obsession. (They enter the apartment. Sheldon is weaving on a loom. He is wrapped in a poncho.) This is a particularly disturbing one. 
Sheldon (looking round): Mommy.
Mrs Cooper: Hi baby.
Sheldon (mouths): You called my mother?
Mrs Cooper: Oh, you got yourself a loom, how nice.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Mrs Cooper: Honey, why did you get a loom?
Sheldon: I was working with luminous fish, and I thought, hey, loom! Mom, what are you doing here?
Mrs Cooper: Leonard called me. 
Sheldon: I know, but why?
Leonard: Because one of the great minds of the twenty-first century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving sarapes. 
Sheldon: This is not a sarape. This is a poncho. A sarape is open at the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho, and neither is a reason to call someone’s mother. 
Leonard: Really, when was the last time you left the house.
Sheldon: I went to the market with Penny.
Leonard: That was three weeks ago.
Sheldon: Well then buckle up, in the next four to eight days she’s going to get very crabby.
Mrs Cooper: Sweetheart, your little friend is concerned about you.
Sheldon: Yes, well I’m not a child, I’m a grown man capable of living my life as I see fit. And I certainly don’t need someone telling on me to my mother. 
Leonard: Where are you going?
Sheldon: To my room, and no-one’s allowed in. 
Mrs Cooper: He gets his temper from his daddy.
Leonard: Oh. 
Mrs Cooper: He’s got my eyes.
Leonard: I see.
Mrs Cooper: All that science stuff, that comes from Jesus. 
Scene: Everyone but Sheldon is in the kitchen of the apartment.
Leonard: Sheldon? Your mum made dinner.
Sheldon (off): I’m not hungry. 
Mrs Cooper: Oh, Leonard, don’t trouble yourself, he’s stubborn. He may stay in there ‘til the Rapture.
Penny: Are we so sure that’s a bad thing?
Mrs Cooper: I’ll tell ya, I love the boy to death, but he has been difficult since he fell out of me at the K-Mart. 
Howard: Excuse me for being so bold, but I now see where Sheldon gets his smouldering good looks.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, honey that ain’t going to work, but you keep trying. (To Raj) I made chicken, I hope that isn’t one of the animals that you people think is magic? You know, we have an Indian gentleman at our church, a Dr Patel, it’s a beautiful story, the lord spoke to him, and moved him to give us all 20% off on lasic, you know, those that needed it. 
Leonard: That is a lovely story, um, are we going to do anything about Sheldon?
Mrs Cooper: Oh, we will, you have to take your time with Sheldon. His father, God rest his soul, used to say to me, Mary, you have to take your time with Sheldon. 
Leonard: Sounds like a wise man.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, not so wise, he was trying to fight a bobcat for some licquorish. So, everybody grab a plate, and a pretty place mat that Shelly wove. 
Penny: Has Shelly ever freaked out like this before.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, all the time, I remember one summer when he was thirteen, he built a small nuclear reactor in the shed and told everybody he was going to provide free electricity for the whole town, well the only problem was he had no, whatchacall, fissionable materials. Anyway, when he went on the internets to get some, a man from the government came by and sat him down real gentle and told him it’s against the law to have yellow cake uranium in a shed. 
Penny: What happened?
Mrs Cooper: Well, the poor boy had a fit, locked himself in his room and built a sonic death ray. 
Leonard: A death ray?
Mrs Cooper: Well, that’s what he called it, didn’t even slow down the neighbour kids. It pissed our dog off to no end. You know, you two make a cute couple. 
Both Leonard and Penny laugh, a little too forced.
Leonard: No, we’re not, we’re not, not a couple, two singles, like those individually wrapped slices of cheese that…. are friends.
Mrs Cooper: Did I pluck a nerve there?
Howard: Oh yeah.
Mrs Cooper: Okay. Alright everybody, it’s time to eat. (Everybody begins to do so) Oh Lord, we thank you for this meal, all your bounty, and we pray that you help Sheldon get back on his rocker. (To Raj and Howard) Now after a moment of silent meditation I’m going to end with “In Jesus’ Name” but you two don’t feel any obligation to join in. Unless, of course, the holy spirit moves you. 
Time shift
Penny: Oh my God, this is the best cobbler I’ve ever had.
Mrs Cooper: It was always Sheldon’ s favourite. You know what the secret ingredient is?
Penny: Love?
Mrs Cooper: Lard.
Sheldon emerges from the bedroom area.
Howard: Hey, look who’s come out….
Mrs Cooper: Shhh! You’ll spook him. He’s like a baby deer, you gotta let him come to you.
Sheldon crosses to the cobbler, takes some and puts it on a plate. Looks round at the group in the matter of a frightened animal. Everyone but Leonard looks down at their meal.
Leonard: This is ridiculous. Dammit, Sheldon, snap out of it. You’re a physicist, you belong at the University doing research, not hiding in your room. (Sheldon scuttles away)
Mrs Cooper: You don’t hunt, do you?
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. He is building a model of some kind of double helix. There is a knock on the door.
Mrs Cooper (entering): Good morning, snicker-doodle. 
Sheldon: Morning.
Mrs Cooper: Oh, well that looks awful fancy, what is that?
Sheldon: It’s my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon based life form. 
Mrs Cooper: But intelligently designed by a creator, right?
Sheldon: What do you want, mom?
Mrs Cooper: You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you got to throw a stick of dynamite in the water?
Sheldon: Yeah.
Mrs Cooper: Well, I’m done fishing. (Throwing a pair of trousers on the bed) You put those on.
Sheldon: What for?
Mrs Cooper: Because you’re going to go down to your office, you’re going to apologise to your boss, and get your job back. 
Sheldon: No.
Mrs Cooper: I’m sorry, did I start that sentence with the words “if it please your highness?”
Sheldon: I’m not going to apologise, I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. 
Mrs Cooper: Now you listen here, I have been telling you since you were four years old, it’s okay to be smarter than everybody but you can’t go around pointing it out.
Sheldon: Why not?
Mrs Cooper: Because people don’t like it. Remember all the ass-kickings you got from the neighbour kids? Now let’s get cracking. Shower, shirt, shoes, and let’s shove off. (Exits)
Sheldon: Wouldn’t have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death ray had worked.
Scene: The kitchen
Mrs Cooper: Problem solved. 
Leonard: Really? That’s impressive.
Mrs Cooper: Leonard, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully he blessed me with two other children who are dumb as soup. 
Scene: Dr Gablehouser’s office
Mrs Cooper: Excuse me, Dr Gablehouser, are you busy?
Gablehouser: Well, actually….
Mrs Cooper: Sheldon, he’s just doodling, get in here. 
Sheldon: Dr Gablehouser.
Gablehouser: Dr Cooper.
Mrs Cooper: Let’s go, baby, we’re losing daylight. 
Sheldon: Um, as you know, several weeks ago in our first encounter we may have gotten off on the wrong foot, when I called you an idiot. And I just wanted to say that I was wrong. To point it out. 
Gablehouser (to Mrs Cooper): I’m sorry, we haven’t been introduced. Dr Eric Gablehouser.
Mrs Cooper: Mary Cooper, Sheldon’s mom.
Gablehouser: Now that’s impossible, you must have had him when you were a teenager. 
Mrs Cooper: Oh, aren’t you sweet, his father’s dead. 
Gablehouser: Recently?
Mrs Cooper: Long enough. 
Gablehouser (indicating chair): Please. Sheldon, shouldn’t you be working?
Sheldon (leaving): Okay.
Leonard: Hey, how did it go?
Sheldon: I got my job back.
Leonard: Really? What happened?
Sheldon: I’m not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me. 
Leonard: That narrows it down. 
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Mrs Cooper is tucking him in.
Mrs Cooper: I’m very proud of you honey, you showed a lot of courage today.
Sheldon: Thanks, mom. Mom?
Mrs Cooper: Mmm-hmm?
Sheldon: Is Dr Gablehouser going to be my new daddy?
Mrs Cooper: We’ll see. Sleep tight. 
Sheldon turns over to sleep in the glow of a luminous goldfish. 

Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Sheldon: Alright, I’m moving my infantry division, augmented by a battalion of Orcs from Lord of the Rings, we flank the Tennessee Volunteers, and the North once again wins the Battle of Gettysburg.
Howard: Not so fast, remember the South still has two infantry divisions, plus Superman and Godzilla.
Leonard: No, no, no, no, Orcs are magic, Superman is vulnerable to magic, not to mention, you already lost Godzilla to the Illinois Cavalry and Hulk.
Raj: Why don’t you just have Robert E. Lee charge the line with Shiva and Ganesh.
Penny: Hi, you guys ready to order?
Howard: Hang on, honey. Shiva and Ganesh? The Hindu Gods against the entire Union army?
Leonard: And Orcs!
Penny: I’ll be back.
Raj: Excuse me, Ganesh is the remover of obstacles, and Shiva is the destroyer. When the smoke clears, Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi and drinking mint juleps. 
Penny: Alright, my boss says you either have to order, or leave and never come back. 
Howard: What do you recommend for someone who worked up a man-sized appetite from a morning of weight training and cardio-funk?
Penny: A shower. 
Howard: I’ll take the heart smart platter.
Penny: Alright, thank you, and Sheldon.
Sheldon: We don’t eat here, I don’t know what’s good.
Penny: Well, it’s all good. 
Sheldon: Statistically unlikely. 
Leonard: Just get a hamburger, you like hamburgers.
Sheldon: I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers, you can’t make the assumption that I’ll like the hamburgers here. 
Leonard: I’m sorry. Give him a hamburger. 
Penny: Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger?
Sheldon: Can’t we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy. 
Penny: The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy. 
Sheldon: Excuse me, in a world that already includes the Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?
Penny: Because you are not at Big Boy!
Sheldon: Fine, I’ll have the Barbecue Burger. 
Leonard: Make it two. 
Sheldon: Waitresses don’t yell at you at Big Boy. 
Lesley (entering): Hey Leonard, hi guys. 
Leonard: Hey Lesley. 
Lesley: I didn’t know you ate here.
Sheldon: We don’t. This is a disturbing aberration. 
Leonard: Lesley, this is Penny, she lives across the hall from Sheldon and me. 
Howard: And walks in quiet beauty like the night. 
Penny: Howard, I’ve asked you not to do that. 
Leonard: Lesley and I do research together at the University. 
Penny: Oh, wow, a girl scientist. 
Lesley: Yep, come for the breasts, stay for the brains. So, I’m glad I ran into you, the physics department string quartet needs a new cellist. 
Leonard: What happened to Elliot Wong?
Lesley: He switched over to high energy radiation research, had a little mishap, and now the other guys are uncomfortable sitting next to him. So, are you in?
Leonard: Yeah, sure, why not.
Lesley: Great, we rehearse on Tuesdays at your place.
Leonard: Why at my place?
Lesley: Yeah, the department of energy said our regular space is kind of a hot zone. Nice meeting you.
Penny: Yeah, you too. Leonard, I didn’t know you played the cello?
Leonard: Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn’t getting me beaten up enough. 
Howard: If you’re into music, I happen to be a human beatbox. 
Penny: Really? (Howard performs some of the worst beatboxing imaginable.) I’m actually not that into music. So hey, your friend’s really cute, anything going on with you two. 
Leonard: Lesley? No, no-oh, what are you kidding?
Sheldon: He asked her out once, it was an embarrassing failure. 
Leonard: Thank you Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, was that supposed to be a secret?
Penny: Oh, that’s too bad, you guys would make a cute couple. 
Raj: Oh dear.
Howard: What’s the matter?
Raj: She didn’t take my order.
Howard: How can she take your order when you’re too neurotic to talk to her.
Raj: Nevertheless, this will be reflected in her tip. 
Scene: The stairwell of the apartment building.
Leonard: What did Penny mean, you’d make a cute couple?
Sheldon: Well I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, and somewhat less likely interpretation, is that you could manufacture one. As in, oh look, Leonard and Lesley made Mr and Mrs Goldfarb, aren’t they adorable. 
Leonard: If Penny didn’t know that Lesley had already turned me down then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought that I should her, Lesley, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out. But because she did know that I had asked Lesley out and that she, Lesley, had turned me down then she, Penny, could be offering consolation. That’s too bad, you would have made a cute couple. But while thinking, good, Leonard remains available. 
Sheldon: You’re a lucky man, Leonard. 
Leonard: How so?
Sheldon: You’re talking to one of the three men in the Western hemisphere capable of following that train of thought. 
Leonard: Well, what do you think.
Sheldon: I said I could follow it, I didn’t say I cared.
Credit sequence.
Scene: The apartment living room. The string quartet are practising. 
Lesley: I admire your fingering. 
Leonard: Thank you.
Lesley: Maybe some time you can try that on my instrument. 
Time jump
Lesley: Goodnight guys, good job.
Male string quartettist: Thanks.
Female string quartettist: See you next week.
Leonard: That was fun, Lesley, thanks for including me. 
Lesley: You’re welcome. If you’re up for it we could practise that middle section again.
Leonard: Uh, sure, why not. 
Lesley: Just so we’re clear, you understand that me hanging back to practise with you is a pretext for letting you know that I’m sexually available. 
Leonard: Really?
Lesley: Yeah, I’m good to go. 
Leonard: I thought you weren’t interested in me.
Lesley: That was before I saw you handling that beautiful piece of wood between your legs. 
Leonard: You mean my cello?
Lesley: No, I mean the obvious crude double entendre. I’m seducing you.
Leonard: No kidding?
Lesley: What can I say, I’m a passionate and impulsive woman. So how about it?
Leonard: Gee, uh…
Lesley: Is it the waitress?
Leonard: Penny? What about her?
Lesley: Well, I thought I saw your pupils dilate when you looked at her, which, unless you’re a heroin addict, points to sexual attraction.
Leonard: Well, I did have a poppy seed bagel for breakfast, which could give a positive urine test for opiates but certainly not dilate my pupils, so I guess there’s no point in bringing it up. 
Lesley: You and the waitress then?
Leonard: No. No, there’s nothing going on between Penny and me.
Lesley: So, you’re open to a sexual relationship?
Leonard: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am. 
Lesley: Good. 
Leonard: Yeah, yeah it is good. Did you want to start now?
Lesley: Why don’t we finish the section first.
Leonard: Oh. Okay. A little musical foreplay. Terrific. 
(They play, gradually going faster and faster.) 
Leonard: I’m good, I’m good to go. 
Lesley: Me too. (Exit in direction of bedrooms.)
Scene: The hallway, Sheldon scuttles out of apartment door and crosses to Penny’s. Knocks on it urgently.
Penny (opening door): Oh, hey Sheldon, what’s going on?
Sheldon: I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics.
Penny: I’m sorry?
Sheldon: Semiotics. The study of signs and symbols, it’s a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.
Penny: Okay, sweetie, I know you think you’re explaining yourself, but you’re really not. 
Sheldon: Just come with me.
Jump to the pair of them standing outside Leonard’s bedroom door. Bryan Adams “Have You Ever Loved A Woman” is emerging. There is a tie on the bedroom door. 
Sheldon: Well?
Penny: Well what?
Sheldon: What does it mean?
Penny: Oh, come on, you went to college.
Sheldon: Yes, but I was eleven.
Penny: Alright, look, a tie on the doorknob usually means someone doesn’t want to be disturbed because they’re, you know, getting busy. 
Sheldon: So you’re saying Leonard has a girl in there.
Penny: Well, either that or he’s lost his tie rack and gotten really into Bryan Adams. 
Lesley (voice off): Oh Leonard, you magnificent beast. 
Penny: We really shouldn’t be standing here. 
Sheldon (entering living room): This is very awkward.
Penny: Oh, come on, you know, Leonard’s had girls over before, right?
Sheldon: Oh, yes, but there’s usually planning, courtship and advance notice. Last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse. 
Penny: Wait, you had to leave the state because your roommate was having sex?
Sheldon: I didn’t have to, the dates just happened to coincide. 
Penny: So, do you know who’s in there?
Sheldon: Well, there’s Leonard. (Picking up violin case) And he’s either with Lesley Winkle or a 1930’s gangster. 
Penny: Hmmm. Good for him. Good for Leonard. Okay, night.
Sheldon: No, no, wait, hold on. 
Penny: What’s the matter?
Sheldon: I don’t know what the protocol is here. Do I stay, do I leave? Do I wait to greet them with a refreshing beverage? 
Penny: Gee, Sheldon, you’re asking the wrong girl. I’m usually on the other side of the tie. 
(Sheldon looks lost for a moment. The pulls out his mobile phone and dials.)
Sheldon: Hi, Leonard. It’s me, Sheldon. In the living room. I just, I wanted you to know I saw the tie. Message received. You’re welcome. You carry on. Give my best to Lesley. 
Scene: In Leonard’s Bedroom. Leonard wakes up next to Lesley, puts on glasses and grins.
Scene: Living room, Sheldon is sleeping on the sofa, with his head on Lesley’s Violin case.
Sheldon: Big boy! (Wakes up, looks at watch, wraps self in blanket, walks towards kitchen) Someone touched my board. Oh God, my board. Leonard! Leonard!
Leonard (entering): Hey, what’s the matter? 
Sheldon: My equations, someone’s tampered with my equations. 
Leonard: Are you sure?
Sheldon: Of course I’m sure. Look at the beta-function of quantum chrono-dynamics, the sign’s been changed. 
Leonard: Oh yeah. But doesn’t that fix the problem you’ve been having?
Sheldon: Are you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you…. hey look, that fixes the problem I’ve been having. 
Lesley (entering): You’re welcome. 
Sheldon: You did this?
Lesley: Yeah, I noticed it when I got up to get a glass of water, so I fixed it, now you can show that quarks are asymptotically free at high energies. Pretty cool, huh?
Sheldon: Cool?
Lesley: Listen, I got to hit the lab. Thanks for a great night. 
Leonard: Thank you, I’ll see you at work. 
Sheldon: Uh-duh, hold on, hold on!
Lesley: What?
Sheldon: Who told you you could touch my board?
Lesley: No-one.
Sheldon: I don’t come into your house and touch your board.
Lesley: There are no incorrect equations on my board. 
Sheldon: Oh, that is so… so…
Lesley: I’m sorry, I’ve got to run, if you come up with an adjective, text me. (Leaves). 
Sheldon: Inconsiderate, that is the adjective, inconsiderate. 
Scene: The hallway. 
Leonard (exiting the apartment): You can stare at your board all day Sheldon, she’s still going to be right. 
Sheldon (inside): I’m not staring, I’m mulling.
Penny: Oh, hey Leonard.
Leonard: Oh, hi.
Penny: So, how’s it going?
Leonard: Pretty good. 
Penny: Just pretty good, I’d think you were doing very good. 
Leonard: Pretty, very, there’s really no objective scale for delineating variations of good, why do you ask?
Penny: Well, a little bird told me that you and Lesley hooked up last night. 
Leonard: Sheldon!
Sheldon: I’m coming.
Penny: So, is it serious, do you like her?
Leonard: Wuh, I don’t…. th-th-th-that’s really two different questions, uh, I’m not…. Sheldon, we have to go! 
Sheldon: Boy, you’re wound awfully tight for a man who just had sexual intercourse. 
Penny: Alright, well, I’ll talk to you later, but, I am so happy for you Leonard. 
Leonard: Thank you. What did she mean, she’s happy for me? Is she happy because I’m seeing someone, or is she happy because she thinks that I’m happy, because anyone who cared for someone would want them to be happy, even if the reason for their happiness made the first person unhappy. You know, because the second person, though happy, is now romantically unavailable to the first person.
Sheldon: Do you realise I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?
Leonard: You know what, I’m being ridiculous. But who cares what Penny thinks, Lesley is a terrific girl, she’s attractive, we like each other, she’s extremely intelligent.
Sheldon: She’s not that intelligent.
Leonard: She fixed your equation.
Sheldon: She got lucky.
Leonard: You don’t believe in luck.
Sheldon: I don’t have to believe in it for her to be lucky. 
Leonard: Regardless, I have a chance at a real relationship with Lesley, I’m not going to pass that up for some hypothetical future happiness with a woman who may or may not want me to be happy with a woman who is currently making me happy. 
Sheldon: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah. 
Sheldon: I still don’t care. 
Scene: Leonard and Lesley’s lab. 
Leonard: Hey, Lesley.
Lesley: Careful  Leonard, liquid nitrogen, 320 degrees below zero. 
Leonard: Brrrr. Why are you smashing a flash frozen banana.
Lesley: Because I’ve got a bowl of Cheerios and I couldn’t find a knife.
Leonard: So anyway (puts arms around her) Hello.
Lesley: Uh, what are you doing?
Leonard: Just extending the intimacy. Do you want to slip over to the radiation lab and share a decontamination shower?
Lesley: Okay, uh, what exactly do you think’s going on between us?
Leonard: I’m not sure, but I think I’m about to discover how the banana felt. 
Lesley: Listen, Leonard, neither of us are neuroscientists but we both understand the biochemistry of sex, I mean, dopamine in our brains is released across synapses causing pleasure. You stick electrodes in a rat’s brain, give him an orgasm button, he’ll push that thing until he starves to death.  
Leonard: Who wouldn’t? 
Lesley: Well, the only difference between us and a rat is that you can’t stick an electrode in our hypothalamus. That’s where you come in. 
Leonard: Yeah, well, I’m just glad to be a part of it. So what happens now?
Lesley: Well, I don’t know about your sex drive, but I’m probably good till New Years. 
Leonard: Oh. Okay. Thank you.
Lesley: Thank you!
Leonard: You want to make plans for New Years.
Lesley: Woah, Leonard, please, you’re smothering me. 
Leonard (leaving): Sorry.
Howard: Hey, look, it’s Doctor Stud!
Leonard: Doctor what?
Howard: The blogosphere is a-buzzing with news of you and Lesley Winkle making eine kleine bang-bang music. 
Leonard: Wha… how did it get on the internet?
Howard: I put it there. 
Leonard: Well, how did you know about it?
Raj: A little bird told us. Apparently you are a magnificent beast. 
Leonard: Well, that part’s true! 
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Sheldon: You know, I think I may have misjudged this restaurant. 
Leonard: No kidding.
Sheldon: I won’t go out on a limb, but I think we may be looking at my new Tuesday hamburger. 
Leonard: Your old Tuesday hamburger will be so broken hearted. 
Sheldon: Way ahead of you. I was thinking of moving Big Boy to Thursdays, and just dropping Soup Plantation. 
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: Yeah, the name always confused me anyway, Soup Plantation. You can’t grow soup. 
Penny: So, how’s everything. 
Sheldon: Terrific, you’ll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.
Penny: Really, oh yay!
Sheldon: Who do I speak to about permanently reserving this table? 
Penny: Um, I don’t know, a psychiatrist? So hey, how are things with you and Lesley? 
Leonard: Oh, to be honest, I don’t think it’s going to work out. 
Penny: Oh, oh that’s too bad. Well hey, don’t worry, I’m sure there is someone out there who is just right for you. (Walks away smiling).
Leonard: Well what did she mean by that? Was that just a generic platitude or was that a subtle bid for attention? 
Sheldon: You know why this hamburger surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single decker hamburger whereas the Big Boy is a double decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio. 
Leonard: Are you even listening to me?
Sheldon: Of course I’m listening. Blah blah, hopeless Penny delusion, blah blah blah.
Leonard: Okay then. You know, you can grow the ingredients for soup. (Sheldon nods). 

Scene: Lobby of the apartment building, Howard, Raj, Sheldon and Leonard enter in combat gear, covered in blue paint.
Raj: Okay, if no-one else will say it, I will. We really suck at paintball.
Howard: That was absolutely humiliating.
Leonard: Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose.
Howard: Yes, but you don’t have to lose to Kyle Bernstein’s Bar-Mitzvah party. 
Leonard: I think we have to acknowledge, those were some fairly savage pre-adolescent Jews. 
Sheldon: You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command. 
Leonard: Sheldon, let it go.
Sheldon: No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back. 
Howard: I shot you for good reason, you were leading us into disaster. 
Sheldon: I was giving clear, concise orders. 
Leonard: You hid behind a tree yelling “get the kid in the yarmulkah, get the kid in the yarmulkah.”
Penny (arriving): Oh, hey guys.
Leonard: Hello Penny.
Howard: Morning ma’am. 
Penny: So, how was paintball, did you have fun?
Sheldon: Sure, if you consider being fragged by your own troops fun. (To Howard) You clear space on your calendar, there will be an enquiry.
Penny: Okay, um, oh hey, I’m having a party on Saturday so if you guys are around you should come by.
Leonard: A party? 
Penny: Yeah.
Howard: A boy-girl party?
Penny: Well, there will be boys, and there will be girls, and it is a party. So, it’ll just be a bunch of my friends, we’ll have some beer, do a little dancing…
Sheldon: Dancing?
Leonard: Yeah, I don’t know, Penny…
Sheldon: The thing is, we’re not….
Leonard: We’re really more….
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: But thanks, thanks for thinking of us.
Penny: Are you sure? Come on, it’s Halloween.
Sheldon: A Halloween party?
Howard: As in, costumes? 
Penny: Well, yeah. 
Leonard: Is there a theme?
Penny: Um, yeah, Halloween.
Sheldon: Yes, but are the costumes random, or genre specific? 
Penny: As usual, I’m not following.
Leonard: He’s asking if we can come as anyone from science-fiction, fantasy…
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: What about comic-books?
Penny: Fine.
Sheldon: Anime?
Penny: Of course.
Sheldon: TV , film, D&D, Manga, Greek Gods, Roman Gods, Norse Gods…
Penny: Anything you want, okay? Any costume you want. Bye. 
Howard: Gentlemen, to the sewing machines.
Credits Sequence
Scene: The apartment living room. There is a knock on the door.
Leonard (off): I’ll get it. (He enters, wearing a Flash costume. Opens door.)
Howard (Entering at speed, also wearing a Flash costume): Bjow (They stare at each other in shock.)
Leonard: Oh, no. 
Sheldon: Oh no! (He is also wearing a Flash costume.)
Raj: Make way for the fastest man alive. (Enters, also in a Flash costume.) Oh no!
Sheldon: See, this is why I wanted to have a costume meeting. 
Leonard: We all have other costumes, we can change.
Raj: Or, we could walk right behind each other all night and look like one person going really fast. 
Howard: No, no, no, it’s a boy-girl party, this Flash runs solo. 
Leonard: Okay, how about this, nobody gets to be The Flash, we all change, agreed?
All: Agreed. 
Leonard: I call Frodo!
All: Damn!
Scene: The same, later. Leonard is dressed as Frodo. Howard appears to be Peter Pan. There is a knock on the door.
Raj (Entering dressed as Thor): Hey. Sorry I’m late, but my hammer got stuck in the door on the bus.
Leonard: You went with Thor?
Raj: What? Just because I’m Indian I can’t be a Norse God? No, no, no, Raj has to be an Indian God. That’s racism. I mean, look at Wolowitz, he’s not English, but he’s dressed like Peter Pan. Sheldon(entering in a body suit featuring black and white vertical lines) is neither sound nor light, but he’s obviously the Doppler Effect. 
Howard: I’m not Peter Pan, I’m Robin Hood. 
Raj: Really, because I saw Peter Pan, and you’re dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you, but it’s basically the same look, man. 
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, there’s something I want to talk to you about before we go to the party.
Sheldon: I don’t care if anybody gets it, I’m going as the Doppler Effect. 
Leonard: No, it’s not…
Sheldon: If I have to, I can demonstrate. Neeeeoooowwwww!
Leonard: Terrific. Um, this party is my first chance for Penny to see me in the context of her social group, and I need you not to embarrass me tonight. 
Sheldon: Well, what exactly do you mean by embarrass you?
Leonard: For example, tonight no-one needs to know that my middle name is Leakey. 
Sheldon: Well, there’s nothing embarrassing about that, your father worked with Lewis Leakey, a great anthropologist. It had nothing to do with your bed-wetting. 
Leonard: All I’m saying is that this party is the perfect opportunity for Penny to see me as a member of her peer group. A potential close friend and… perhaps more. I don’t want to look like a dork. 
Scene: The hallway. Howard knocks on Penny’s door with his bow. 
Howard: Just a heads up fellas, if anyone gets lucky I’ve got a dozen condoms in my quiver. 
Penny (opening door, not in costume): Oh, hey guys. 
Leonard: Hey, sorry we’re late. 
Penny: Late? It’s 7:05.
Sheldon: And you said the party starts at seven. 
Penny: Well, yeah, when you start a party at seven, no-one shows up at, you know, seven. 
Sheldon: It’s 7:05. 
Penny: Yes. Yes it is. Okay, well, um, come on in. 
Howard: What, are all the girls in the bathroom?
Penny: Probably, but in their own homes. 
Sheldon: So what time does the costume parade start? 
Penny: The parade?
Sheldon: Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume, you know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visual representation of a scientific principle.
Penny: Oh, Sheldon, I’m sorry but there aren’t going to be any parades or judges or prizes. 
Sheldon: This party is just going to suck. 
Penny: No, come on, it’s going to be fun, and you all look great, I mean, look at you, Thor, and, oh, Peter Pan, that’s so cute.
Leonard: Actually, Penny, he’s Rob…
Howard: I’m Peter Pan! And I’ve got a handful of pixie dust with your name on it. 
Penny: No you don’t. Oh, hey, what’s Sheldon supposed to be.
Leonard: Oh, he’s the Doppler Effect.
Sheldon: Yes. It’s the apparent change in the frequency of a wave caused by relative motion between the source of the wave and the observer. 
Penny: Oh, sure, I see it now, the Doppler Effect. Alright, I’ve got to shower, you guys um, make yourselves comfortable. 
Leonard: Okay. 
Sheldon: See, people get it. 
Time shift, the party is in full swing, the four guys are sitting together around the coffee table. 
Raj: Mmmm, by Odin’s beard, this is good Chex Mix. 
Howard: No thanks, peanuts, I can’t afford to swell up in these tights. 
Sheldon: I’m confused. If there’s no costume parade, what are we doing here? 
Leonard: We’re socialising. Meeting new people. 
Sheldon: Telepathically?
Penny (crossing the room in a cat costume, speaking to someone off-screen): Oh hey, when did you get here, Hi!
Raj: Penny is wearing the worst Catwoman costume I have ever seen, and that includes Halle Berry’s.
Leonard: She’s not Catwoman, she’s just a generic cat.
Sheldon: And that’s the kind of sloppy costuming which results from a lack of rules and competition.
Howard: Hey guys, check out the sexy nurse. I believe it’s time for me to turn my head and cough. 
Raj: What is your move?
Howard: I’m going to use the mirror technique. She brushes her hair back, I brush my hair back, she shrugs, I shrug, subconsciously she’s thinking we’re in sync, we belong together.
Leonard: Where do you get this stuff?
Howard: You know, psychology journals, internet research, and there’s this great show on VH1 about how to pick up girls. 
Raj: Oh, if only I had his confidence. I have such difficulty speaking to women. Or around women. Or at times, even effeminate men. 
Howard: If that’s a working stethoscope, maybe you’d like to hear my heart skip a beat.
Nurse Costume Girl: No thanks.
Howard: No, seriously, you can, I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia.
Leonard: I  want to get to know Penny’s friends, I just, I don’t know how to talk to these people. 
Sheldon: Well, I actually might be able to help.
Leonard: How so?
Sheldon: Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will. 
Leonard: Go on.
Sheldon: Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting “How wasted am I?” which is met with an approving chorus of “Dude.”
Leonard: Then what happens?
Sheldon: That’s as far as I’ve gotten.
Leonard: This is ridiculous, I’m jumping in.
Sheldon: Good luck. 
Leonard: No, you’re coming with me.
Sheldon: Oh, I hardly think so. 
Leonard: Come on.
Sheldon: Aren’t you afraid I’ll embarrass you?
Leonard: Yes. But I need a wing-man.
Sheldon: Alright, but if we’re going to use flight metaphors I’m much more suited to being the guy from the FAA, analysing wreckage. 
Girl in Hippie Costume: Oh, Hi!
Leonard: Hi.
Sheldon: Hello.
Girl: So, what are you supposed to be?
Sheldon: Me? I’ll give you a hint. Neeeeooooowwwww!
Girl: Uh, a choo-choo train?
Sheldon: Close! Neeeeeoooooowwwww!
Girl: A brain damaged choo-choo train?
Girl in Butterfly Costume (dropping onto sofa next to Raj): How wasted am I? (Raj shrugs.)
Time shift. Sheldon and Leonard are now talking to a girl in a princess costume.
Sheldon: Neeeeeooooowwwwww!
Girl: I still don’t get it.
Sheldon: I’m the Doppler Effect. 
Girl: Okay, if that is some sort of learning disability, I think it’s very insensitive.
Leonard: Why don’t you just tell people you’re a zebra?
 Sheldon: Well, why don’t you just tell people you’re one of the seven dwarves. 
Leonard: Because I’m Frodo.
Sheldon: Yes, well, I’m the Doppler Effect. 
Leonard: Oh no.
Sheldon: What?
Leonard: That’s Penny’s ex-boyfriend.
Sheldon: What do you suppose he’s doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field. 
Leonard: If he were any bigger, he’d have moons orbiting him.
Sheldon: Oh, snap. So I guess we’ll be leaving now. 
Leonard: Why should we leave? For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn’t even want him here. (Penny and Kurt hug).
Sheldon: You have a back-up hypothesis. 
Leonard: Maybe they just want to be friends. 
Sheldon: Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more. 
Leonard: Then he and I are on equal ground.
Sheldon: Yes, but you’re much closer to it than he is. 
Leonard: Look, if this was 15,000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners.
Sheldon: And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy. 
Leonard: Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift, in the information age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males. We shouldn’t have to back down. 
Sheldon: True. Why don’t you text him that and see if he backs down?
Leonard: No. I’m going to assert my dominance face to face. 
Sheldon: Face to face? Are you going to wait for him to sit down, or are you going to stand on a coffee table?
Leonard: Hello Penny. Hello Kurt.
Penny: Oh, hey guys. You having a good time?
Sheldon: Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system. 
Kurt: What, you’re a zebra, right?
Sheldon: Yet another child left behind. 
Kurt: And what are you supposed to be, an Elf?
Leonard: No, I’m a Hobbit.
Kurt: What’s the difference? 
Leonard: Uh, a Hobbit is a mortal Halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an Elf is an immortal tall warrior. 
Kurt: So why the hell would you want to be a Hobbit?
Sheldon: Because he is neither tall nor immortal, and none of us could be The Flash. 
Kurt: Well, whatever, why don’t you go hop off on a quest, I’m talking to Penny here.
Leonard: I think we’re all talking to Penny here.
Sheldon: I’m not. No offence. 
Kurt: Okay, maybe you didn’t hear me, go away.
Penny: Alright Kurt, be nice.
Kurt: Aw, I am being nice. Right little buddy.
Penny: Kurt!
Leonard: Okay, I understand your impulse to try to physically intimidate me. I mean, you can’t compete with me on an intellectual level and so you’re driven to animalistic puffery. 
Kurt: Are you calling me a puffy animal?
Penny: Of course not, no, he’s not, you’re not, right Leonard? 
Leonard: No, I said animalistic. Of course we’re all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree. 
Sheldon: If he understands that, you’re in trouble. 
Kurt: So what, I’m unevolved?
Sheldon: You’re in trouble. 
Kurt: You know, you use a lot of big words for such a little dwarf. 
Penny: Okay, Kurt, please.
Leonard: No, Penny, it’s okay, I can handle this. I’m not a dwarf, I’m a Hobbit. A Hobbit. Are misfiring neurons in your hippocampus preventing the conversion from short-term to long-term memory?
Kurt: Okay, now you’re starting to make me mad. 
Leonard: A homo-habilus discovering his opposable thumbs says what?
Kurt: What?
Leonard: I think I’ve made my point.
Kurt: Yeah, how about I make a point out of your pointy little head.
Sheldon: Let me remind you, while my moral support is absolute, in a physical confrontation I will be less than useless. 
Leonard: There’s not going to be a confrontation, in fact I doubt if he can even spell confrontation.
Kurt (physically lifting Leonard from the ground): C – O – N… frontation!
Penny: Kurt, put him down this instant. 
Kurt: He started it.
Penny: I don’t care, I’m finishing it, put him down. 
Kurt: Fine. You’re one lucky little leprechaun. 
Sheldon: He’s a Hobbit! I’ve got your back. 
Penny: Leonard, are you okay.
Leonard: Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s good, it’s a good party, thanks for having us, it’s just getting a little late so….
Penny: Oh, okay, alright, well thank you for coming. 
Sheldon: Happy Halloween. (They leave) If it’s any consolation, I thought that homo-habilus line really put him in his place. 
Scene: The living room. Sheldon brings Leonard a cup of tea.
Leonard: What’s that?
Sheldon: Tea. When people are upset the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. There there. You want to talk about it?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Good. There there was really all I had. 
Leonard: Good night Sheldon.
Sheldon: Good night Leonard. 
Penny (knocking on door and entering): Hey Leonard.
Leonard: Hi Penny.
Penny: Hey, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.
Leonard: I’m fine. 
Penny: I’m so sorry about what happened.
Leonard: It’s not your fault.
Penny: Yes it is. That’s why I broke up with him, he always does stuff like that. 
Leonard: So why was he at your party?
Penny: Well, I ran into him last week and, he was…  just, all apologetic, about how he’s changed, he was just going on and on and I believed him, and I’m an idiot because I always believe guys like that and… I can’t go back to my party because he’s there, and I know you don’t want to hear this and I’m upset and I’m really drunk and I just want to… (bursts into tears and rests head on Leonard’s shoulder.)
Leonard: There there. 
Penny: God, what is wrong with me.
Leonard: Nothing, you’re perfect.
Penny: Gah, I’m not perfect.
Leonard: Yes you are. 
Penny: You really think so, don’t you? (She kisses hm.)
Leonard: Penny?
Penny: Yeah. 
Leonard: How much have you had to drink tonight?
Penny: Just…. a lot. 
Leonard: Are you sure that your being drunk, and your being angry with Kurt doesn’t have something to do with what’s going on here?
Penny: It might. Boy, you’re really smart.
Leonard: Yeah, I’m a frickin’ genius. 
Penny: Leonard, you are so great. Why can’t all guys be like you? 
Leonard: Because if all guys were like me, the human race couldn’t survive. 
Penny: I should probably go.
Leonard: Probably. 
Penny (in doorway): Thank you. (She kisses him again. Kurt is watching.)
Leonard: That’s right, you saw what you saw. That’s how we roll in The Shire. (Closes door quickly, locks and chains it.)
Scene: The apartment, there is a knock on the door. 
Sheldon: Coming. (Opens door to Howard.)
Howard: Hey, have you seen Koothrapali?
Sheldon: He’s not here. Maybe the Avenger summoned him. 
Howard: He’s not the Marvel comic story, he’s the original Norse God. 
Sheldon: Thank you for the clarification. 
Howard: I’m supposed to give him a ride home.
Sheldon: Well I’m sure he’ll be fine. He has his hammer. 
Scene: A random bedroom. Butterfly costume girl is climbing off of Raj. 
Butterfly Girl: Wow, I have to say, you are an amazing man. You’re gentle and passionate, and my God, you are such a good listener! 
(Raj puts hands behind head with a smug expression on his face.)

Scene: The apartment, the living room.
Howard: Watch this, it’s really cool. Call Leonard Hofstadter.
Howard’s phone: Did you say, call Helen Boxleitner?
Howard: No. Call Leonard Hofstadter.
Howard’s phone: Did you say, call Temple Beth Sader. 
Howard: No.
Leonard: Here, let me try. Call McFlono McFloonyloo. Heh-heh. 
Howard’s phone: Calling Rajesh Koothrappali. (Raj’s phone rings).
Raj: Oh, that’s very impressive. And a little racist. 
Sheldon: If we’re all through playing mock the flawed technology, can we get on with Halo night, we were supposed to start at eight, it is now 8:06.
Leonard: So? We’ll start now.
Sheldon: Yes, first we have to decide if those lost six minutes will be coming out of game time, bathroom time or the pizza break.
Raj: We can split it two, two and two.
Howard: If we’re having anchovies on the pizza we can’t take it out of bathroom time. (There is a knock on the door.)
Sheldon: Oh, what fresh hell is this?
Leonard (opening door): Hey Penny, come on in.
Penny: Hey guys. 
Howard: See a Penny, pick her up, and all the day you’ll have good luck.
Penny: No you won’t. Uh, can I hide out here for a while.
Leonard: Sure. What’s going on.
Penny: Well, there’s this girl I know from back in Nebraska, Christie, well anyway she called me up and she’s like “Hey, how’s California,” and I’m like “Awesome” ‘cos, you know, it’s not Nebraska, and the next thing I know she’s invited herself out here to stay with me. 
Sheldon: 8:08.
Penny: Anyway, she got here today, and she’s just been in my apartment, yakkety-yakking about every guy she’s slept with in Omaha, which is basically every guy in Omaha, and washing the sluttiest collection of underwear you have ever seen in my bathroom sink.
Howard: Well, is she doing it one thong at a time, or does she just throw it all in, like some sort of erotic bouillabaisse.
Penny: He really needs to dial it down.
Leonard: So, if you don’t like this Christie, why are you letting her stay? 
Penny: Well, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she’s kind of family. 
Sheldon: You know, I apologise for my earlier outburst, who needs Halo when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the whore of Omaha?
Leonard: Oh, I don’t think she’s a whore.
Penny: No, yeah she’s definitely a whore. I mean, she has absolutely no standards, this one time, she was at… where’s Howard?
Howard (voice off): Bonjour mademoiselle, I understand you’re new in town. 
Sheldon: Oh good grief.
Credit Sequence
Scene: Penny, Sheldon, Raj and Leonard stand in the apartment doorway. Romantic music plays from Penny’s apartment door. 
Penny: Ugh, I cannot believe Christie let Howard into my apartment.    
Sheldon: And I cannot believe people pay for horoscopes, but on a more serious note it’s 8:13 and we’re still not playing Halo. 
Leonard: Okay, fine, we’ll just play one on one until he gets back. 
Sheldon: One on one? We don’t play one on one, we play teams, not one on one. One on one!
Leonard: Well the only way we can play teams at this point is if we cut Raj in half.
Raj: Oh, sure, cut the foreigner in half, there’s a billion more where he came from. 
Penny: Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I’ll play.
Leonard: Great idea.
Sheldon: Uh, no. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that. 
Penny: Why?
Sheldon: Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.
Penny: Oh, what, what, what? 
Sheldon: This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve, there are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back-story.
Penny (picking up a controller, there is the sound of an explosion from the television): Oh cool, whose head did I just blow off? 
Sheldon: Mine. 
Penny: Okay, I got this, lock and load boys. 
Leonard: It’s the only way we can play teams. 
Sheldon: Yes, but whoever’s her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention that fact that sh…. (another explosion)
Penny: Ha-ha, there goes your head again.
Sheldon: Okay, this isn’t at all good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who’s just respawned, you need to give them a chance to (explosion) now come on!
Time shift
Sheldon: Raj, Raj, she’s got me cornered, cover me.
Penny: Cover this, suckers. Ha-ha-ha!
Leonard: Penny, you are on fire.
Penny: Yeah, so is Sheldon. 
Sheldon: Okay, that’s it, I don’t know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and be this skilled at a video game. 
Penny: Wait, wait, Sheldon, come back, you forgot something. 
Sheldon: What?
Penny: This plasma grenade. (Explosion.) Ha! Look, it’s raining you! 
Sheldon: You laugh now, you just wait until you need tech support. 
Penny: Gosh, he’s kind of a sore loser, isn’t he?
Leonard: Well, to be fair, he is also a rather unpleasant winner. 
Penny: Well, it’s been fun.
Leonard: You know, Penny, we make such a good team, maybe we could enter a couple of Halo tournaments sometime.
Penny: Or we could just have a life. 
Leonard: I guess for you that’s an option.
Penny: Good night, Leonard.
Leonard: Good night.
Penny: As usual, nice talking to you Raj (leaves.) 
Raj: What do you suppose she meant by that?
Leonard: She’s an enigma, Raj. 
Sheldon: And another thing, there’s a certain ethic to the game, Penny, a well estab…
Leonard: She’s gone, Sheldon. 
Sheldon: Well she could have said goodbye. 
Penny (entering again): Okay, I have a problem.
Sheldon: It’s called carpal tunnel syndrome, and quite frankly you deserve it. 
Leonard: What’s wrong?
Penny: Um, well, Howard and Christie are… kind of… hooking up in my bedroom. 
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Look, I grew up on a farm, okay, from what I heard they’re either having sex or Howard’s caught in a milking machine. Do you mind if I stay here tonight?
Leonard: No, take the couch, or my bed, I just got new pillows, hypo-allergenics. 
Penny: Uh, the couch is good.
Sheldon: Hold that thought, Leonard, a moment.
Leonard: Let me guess, you have a problem with this.
Sheldon: Where do I begin? 
Leonard: It’s up to you, crazy person’s choice. 
Sheldon: Well first, we don’t have house guests, frankly if I could afford the rent I’d ask you to leave. 
Leonard: Your friendship means a lot to me as well, what else? 
Sheldon: Well, our earthquake supplies, we have a two day, two man kit.
Leonard: So? 
Sheldon: So, if there is an earthquake and the three of us are trapped here, we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon. 
Leonard: I’m sorry, are you suggesting that if we let Penny stay we might succumb to cannibalism?
Sheldon: No-one ever thinks it will happen until it does. 
Leonard: Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay. 
Penny: Hu.. what?
Sheldon: He’s engaging in reductio-ad-absurdum. It’s the logical fallacy of extending someone’s argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticising the result, and I do not appreciate it. 
Leonard: I’ll get you a blanket and a pillow. 
Sheldon: Okay, well since I’m obviously being ignored here, let’s go over the morning schedule, I use the bathroom from 7 to 7:20, plan your ablutions and bodily functions accordingly. 
Penny: How am I supposed to plan my bodily functions?
Sheldon: I suggest no liquids after 11pm. 
Leonard: Here you go.
Penny: Thanks Leonard. (Arranges pillows on left of couch.)
Sheldon: Hmmph, wrong. 
Penny: I’m listening.
Sheldon: Your head goes on the other end.
Penny: Why? 
Sheldon: It’s culturally universal, a bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.
Penny: I’ll risk it.
Sheldon: Hm! 
Penny: Anything else I should know.
Sheldon: Yes. If you use my toothbrush I’ll jump out that window. Please don’t come to my funeral. Have a good night. 
Leonard: Sorry about that.
Penny: That’s okay. 
Leonard: FYI, his toothbrush is the red one in the plexiglass case under the UV light. 
Penny: Got it.
Leonard: Well, sleep tight.
Penny: Thanks. 
Leonard: Funny expression, sleep tight. It refers to the early construction of beds which featured a mattress suspended on interlocking ropes which would occasionally… sleep tight. 
(Penny turns off light and lies down on couch. Across the room, Raj is still in the kitchen, eating a sandwich. Realising everyone has forgotten about him, he quietly lets himself out. Penny hears the door close, looks worried, then moves her head to the other end of the couch.)
Scene: The following morning. Sheldon is in the kitchen making breakfast. He crosses to the couch, sees Penny sleeping there, looks lost. He is about to sit down on Penny when Leonard enters.
Leonard: What are you doing? 
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America and watched Doctor Who. 
Leonard: Penny’s still sleeping.
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal….
Leonard: I know, I know, look, you have a TV in your room, why don’t you just have breakfast in bed? 
Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother’s Day. 
Penny: Uh, what time is it?
Leonard: Almost 6:30. 
Penny: I slept all day?
Leonard: Oh, no, it’s 6:30 in the morning.
Penny: What the hell is your problem?
Sheldon: Okay, this cereal has lost all its molecular integrity, I now have a bowl of shredded wheat paste.
Howard (entering): Ola, nerd-migos. 
Penny: Why do you people hate sleep? Are you wearing my robe?
Howard: Oh, yeah, sorry, I’ll have it cleaned.
Penny: That’s okay, keep it. Where’s Christie.
Howard: In the shower. Oh, by the way, where did you get that loofah mitt, yours reaches places that mine just won’t.
Penny: Y-you used my loofah?
Howard: More precisely we used your loofah. I exfoliated her brains out! 
Penny: You can keep that too.
Howard: Ah, well then we’ll probably need to talk about your stuffed bear collection.
Christie (voice off): Howard?
Howard: In here my lady.
Christie (entering): Mmmm, there’s my little engine that could.
Howard: chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka (they kiss).
Sheldon: Well there’s one beloved children’s book I’ll never read again.
Christie: Hi, Christie.
Leonard: Leonard. 
Sheldon: I’m Sheldon.
Christie: Right, you’re Howard’s entourage. 
Penny: Uh, so Christie, what are your plans?
Christie: Oh, well, Howard said he’d take me shopping in Beverley Hills. 
Penny: Yeah, no, I meant plans to find some place to live. Other than with me, not that I don’t love having you, but it’s… a little crowded.
Leonard: Penny, you’re always welcome to stay with us.
Sheldon: Oh, terrific, now we’re running a cute little B&B.
Howard: Let me offer a little outside the box thinking here, why doesn’t Christie stay with me.
Leonard: For one thing you live with your mother.
Howard: I do not, my mother lives with me. 
Sheldon: Well then, it’s all settled, Christie will stay with Howard, Penny can go back to her apartment, and I’ll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it’s more like Doctor Why Bother. 
Leonard: Sheldon you just can’t dictate…
Sheldon: No more talking, everybody go. 
Howard: So, what do you say, you wanna repair to Castle Wolowitz? 
Christie: What is that, like a Mexican deli?
Howard: I’m sorry, I should have mentioned this earlier, my last name is Wolowitz.
Christie: Oh, that’s so cool. My first Jew!
Sheldon: I imagine there aren’t many kosher corn-huskers. 
Christie: But you’re still taking me shopping, right?
Howard: Anything you want.
Christie: Okay, I’ll go pack my stuff.
Howard: When they perfect human cloning I’m going to order twelve of those.
Leonard: Howard, can’t you see she’s using you?
Howard: Who cares, last night she pulled off her blouse and I wept!
Penny: Look, Howard, I know her, okay, she’ll have sex with anyone as long as they keep buying her things. 
Howard: Really?
Penny: Yeah.
Howard: Yay! If you’ll excuse me, I have some Bar-Mizvah bonds to cash. 
Scene: A Chinese restaurant. 
Sheldon: I’m sorry, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.
Leonard: We can’t order Chinese food without Wolowitz?
Sheldon: Let me walk you through it, our standard is, the steamed dumpling appetizer, General So’s chicken, beef with broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce and vegetable lo-main. Do you see the problem?
Leonard: I see a problem. 
Sheldon: Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided among four people. 
Leonard: So, we’ll just order three entrees.
Sheldon: Fine, what do you want to eliminate, and who gets the extra dumpling. 
Raj: We could cut it into thirds. 
Sheldon: Then it is no longer a dumpling, once you cut it open it is at best a very small open faced sandwich. 
Waiter: Hi fellas. Oh, where’s your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?
Sheldon: He’s putting his needs ahead of the collective good. (Pointing at waiter) Where he comes from, that’s punishable by death.
Waiter: I come from Sacramento. 
Leonard: Can we get an order of dumplings, but with three instead of four.
Waiter: No substitutions.
Leonard: This isn’t a substitution, it’s a reduction. 
Waiter: Okay, no reductions.
Leonard: Fine, bring us three orders of dumplings, that’s twelve, we’ll each have four. 
Raj: That works. 
Sheldon: No, if we fill up on dumplings we’ll need to eliminate another entree. 
Waiter: No eliminations. 
Leonard: If we have extra, we’ll just take the leftovers home.
Sheldon: And divide it how, I’m telling you we cannot do this without Wolowitz. 
Leonard: Wolowitz is with his new girlfriend, if you had let me invite Penny then you would have had your fourth.
Sheldon: Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food, she uses a fork, and she double dips her egg rolls. 
Leonard: We don’t order egg rolls.
Sheldon: Exactly, but we’d have to if she was here.
Raj: Can we please make a decision, not only are there children starving in India, there’s an Indian starving right here. 
Leonard: Here’s an idea, why don’t we just go out for Indian food.
Sheldon: No.
Raj: Uurgh.
Waiter: You are nice boys. Tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to bring you the four dumplings. When I’m walking over to the table, maybe I get bumped, one of the dumplings falls to the floor, no-one has to know. 
Sheldon: I’ll know. 
Waiter: (wanders away cursing in Mandarin.)
Raj: How about soup?
Leonard: Yeah, we can always divide soup.
Sheldon: What about the won-tons?
Scene: Outside Penny’s door. Leonard knocks. 
Penny (answering): Oh, hey guys, what’s up?
Sheldon: It’s Halo night.
Penny: Yeah. Okay. So?
Leonard: Well, with Wolowitz spending all of his time with your friend Christie, 
Penny: She’s not my friend. Friends do not get their friends care bears all sweaty. 
Leonard: Right, anyway, uh, with Wolowitz occupied elsewhere, we had something we wanted to ask you. Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes. Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don’t think I need to tell you what an honour this is. 
Penny: Oh, that’s so sweet. But I’m going out dancing with a girlfriend. 
Sheldon: You can’t go out, it’s Halo night. 
Penny: Well, for Penny it’s dancing night. 
Sheldon: You go dancing every Wednesday.
Penny: No.
Sheldon:  Then it’s not dancing night. 
Penny: Look, why don’t I play with you guys tomorrow?
Sheldon: Tonight is Halo night, it’s like talking to a wall. 
Penny: Alright, now Sheldon, you and I are about to have a problem. 
Leonard: Sheldon, remember, we role-played this.
Sheldon: Yes, but you didn’t portray her as completely irrational.
Penny: Alright fellas, I gotta go. Good luck. 
Leonard: Maybe we should have asked if we could go dancing with her and her girlfriend. 
Sheldon: Okay, assuming we could dance, which we can’t, there are three of us and two of them.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: It’s the Chinese restaurant all over again. I assure you that cutting a dumpling in thirds is child’s play compared with three men, each attempting to dance with 67% of a woman.
Leonard: Aaah, for God’s sake, Sheldon, you are driving me crazy. 
Sheldon: Your anger’s not with me, sir, but with basic mathematics.
Leonard: No, I’m pretty sure my anger’s with you.
Raj: What’s happening to us? We’re falling apart. 
Leonard: Who are you calling?
Sheldon: The only man who can restore any semblance of balance to our universe.
Howard (voice):  Hi this is Howard Wolowitz.
Christie (voice): And this is Christie Van Der Bell. 
Howard (voice): We can’t get to the phone right now because we’re having sex.
Christie (voice): You’re not going to put that on your message are you?
Howard (voice): No, I’m just kidding, I’ll re-record it. (beep)
Scene: Outside Howard’s house. 
Leonard: Sheldon, think this through, you’re going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.
Sheldon: No, I’m going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know, sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapon systems. 
Leonard: You’re right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact. 
Sheldon: My point.
Christie (voice from within): I’m just saying, you can take the damned plastic off the couch once in a while.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Why, so you and Howard can hump on it? 
Howard (voice): Ladies, ladies, I’m sure there’s a middle ground.
Christie and Howard’s Mother together: Shut up Howard. 
Howard (voice): You girl’s talk, I’m going to take my scooter out for a little spin. 
Christie (voice as Howard emerges through door): Are you happy, you drove your own son out of the house. 
Howard’s Mother (voice): Why don’t you stop butting in where you don’t belong.
Howard: What are you guys doing here? 
Sheldon: It’s Halo night. 
Howard’s Mother (voice): He’s not a man, he’s a putz, and don’t you take that tone with me, you gold digger.
Christie (voice): What did you call me? 
Howard’s Mother (voice): You heard me, and I’ll tell you something else, you’re barking up the wrong tree, cos as long as you’re around, Howard is out of the will.
Christie: (voice): You know what, I got better offers, I’m out of here. 
Howard’s Mother (voice): That’s right, go back to Babylon, you whore. 
Howard: So, Halo night, huh? 
Raj: I thought she was the whore of Omaha?
Sheldon: Shhh! 
Scene: The apartment, Halo night. 
Howard: Sheldon, you got him in your sights, fire, he’s charging his plasma rifle. 
Sheldon: I can’t shoot now, I’m cloaking.
Leonard: Now, Raj, kill Sheldon.
Raj: I can’t see him.
Sheldon: That’s why the call it cloaking, dead man.
Leonard: Well then start throwing grenades.
Raj: I’m all out. 
Penny (entering with three other sexy women): Hi guys, my friends and I got tired of dancing, so we came over to have sex with you. 
Leonard: That will do, Raj, straight for the tank.
Sheldon: We said no tanks.
Raj: There are no rules in hell! 
Howard: Son of a bitch, medpack, I need a medpack! 
Penny: Told yah! (They leave). 
Leonard: There’s a sniper, use your rocket launcher. 
Raj: All I’ve got is a needler, and I’m all out of ammo. 
Sheldon: And now you’re out of life. Why did you hit pause?
Leonard: I thought I heard something. 
Raj: What?
Leonard: No, never mind, alright, go. 

Scene: The Apartment.
Sheldon: Damn you, walletnook.com.
Leonard: Problem?
Sheldon: The online description was completely misleading, they said eight slots plus removable ID, to any rational person that would mean room for nine cards, but they don’t tell you the removable ID takes up one slot, it’s a nightmare. 
Leonard: Okay, now, do you really need the honorary Justice League of America membership card?
Sheldon: It’s been in every wallet I’ve owned since I was five. 
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: It says keep this on your person at all times. (Knock on door) It’s right here under Batman’s signature.
Leonard opens door. Raj and Howard are outside. Raj is holding a laptop which is open. His parents are on the screen.
Raj: And this is Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment. 
Howard: Guess whose parents just got broadband. 
Raj: May I present, live from New Delhi, Dr and Mrs V. M. Koothrappali. 
Leonard: Hi.
Dr Koothrappali: Lift up the camera. I’m looking at his crotch.
Raj: Sorry papa.
Dr Koothrappali: Oh, there’s much better. Hi.
Leonard: Hi! 
Raj: And over here is Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hi.
Raj: He lives with Leonard. 
Mrs Koothrappali: Oh, that’s nice. Like Haroun and Tanweer. 
Raj: No, no, not like Haroun and Tanweer.
Mrs Koothrappali: Such sweet young men, they just adopted the cutest little Punjabi baby. 
Leonard: Yeah, we’re not like Haroun and Tanweer!
Dr Koothrappali: So are you boys academics like our son?
Together: Yes. 
Dr Koothrappali: And your parents are comfortable with your limited earning potential?
Together: Not at all. 
Raj: Papa, please don’t start. 
Dr Koothrappali: God, it’s just a question, he’s so sensitive.
Raj: Okay, that’s my life, that’s my friends, good to see you, say goodbye.
Together: Bye! 
Dr Koothrappali: Wait, wait. Before you go we have good news. Put the computer down and gather your friends. 
Raj: What is it papa.
Dr Koothrappali: Friends. 
Howard (as they gather): Is it just me, or does webchatting with your clothes on seem a little pointless. 
Mrs Koothrappali: Rajesh, do you remember Lalita Gupta? 
Raj: The little fat girl that used to kick me in the samosas and call me untouchable.
Mrs Koothrappali: Yes. Well, now she’s a dental student at USC, so we gave her your contact information. 
Raj: Why did you do that?
Dr Koothrappali: You’re 26 years old Rajesh. We want grandchildren.
Raj: But Papa, I’m not supposed…
Mrs Koothrappali: Lalita’s parents approve the match. 
Dr Koothrappali: If you decide on a spring wedding, we can avoid monsoon season. 
Raj: Spring wedding?
Mrs Koothrappali: It’s up to you dear, we don’t want to meddle.
Raj: If you don’t want to meddle, then why are you meddling.
Sheldon: If I may, your parents probably don’t consider this meddling, while arranged marriages are no longer the norm, Indian parents continue to have a greater than average involvement in their children’s lives.
Raj: Why are you telling me about my own culture? 
Sheldon: You seemed confused.
Raj: Sorry, Mommy, Papa, but with all due respect I really can’t go through…
Mrs Koothrappali: Sorry darling, we have to go. Doogie Howser is on. Grandma, it’s Doogie time! Bye bye.
Dr Koothrappali: Bye bye. 
Raj: I don’t believe it.
Howard: Neither do I. Doogie Howser’s been off the air for like, twenty years. 
Leonard: Actually, I read somewhere that it’s one of the most popular programmes in India. 
Sheldon: It might speak to a cultural aspiration to have one’s children enter the medical profession. 
Leonard: I bet you’re right.
Howard: I bet they love Scrubs.
Sheldon: What’s not to love?
Raj: Excuse me, hello? My parents are trying to marry me off to a total stranger, what am I going to do?
Sheldon: I suggest you go through with it.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Romantic love as the basis for marriage has only existed since the nineteenth century. Up until then, arranged marriages were the norm, and it served society quite well.
Howard: It’s the entire premise of Fiddler on the Roof.
Leonard: I’m not a big fan of musicals, but I love that show. 
Howard: Me too. Of course, it speaks to me culturally. 
Sheldon: Understandable, but there’s a universality to that story which transcends ethnicity.
Howard: Let’s not forget it’s got some really catchy tunes.
All: (various noises of agreement)
Raj: Okay, I know what I’m going to do.
Leonard: What? 
Raj: Find new friends. 
Howard: So who wants to rent Fiddler?
Sheldon: No need, we have the special edition. 
Leonard: Well, maybe we are like Haroun and Tanweer. 
Credits sequence
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon (on phone): This is Dr Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I need to cancel my membership to the Planetarium. Yeah, well I’m sorry too, but there’s just no room for you in my wallet. Yeah, I understand, but it was between you and the Museum of Natural History and, frankly, you don’t have dinosaurs. Well I’ll miss you too, bye bye. Okay, I know you’re texting about me, and I’d really like you to stop.
Raj (entering): Oh dear, I am rightly and truly screwed. 
Leonard: Hey, I thought you were finding new friends.
Raj: I’ve got some feelers out. In the meantime, listen to this.
Lalita (voice from Raj’s phone): Hi Rajesh, this is Lalita Gupta. Your mother gave my mother your phone number to give to me. So I’m calling you, and, ah… call me back. Bye. 
Raj: Can you believe how pushy she is?
Leonard: So don’t call her.
Raj: If I don’t call her, I won’t hear the end of it from my parents.
Leonard: So call her. 
Raj: How can I call her, you know I can’t talk to women. 
Leonard: I’m done, anybody else?
Howard: Give me the phone.
Raj: Why?
Howard: Just give it to me. (Dials)
Raj: What are you doing?
Howard: Don’t worry, you’ll thank me. (In a fake Indian accent) Hello Lalita, Raj Koothrappali. (Raj starts to chase Howard across the room.) Yes it is good to talk to you too. So, what are you wearing. Oh, not important, so, anyhow, when would you like to meet. Friday works for me. And I call you with the time and place, but in the meantime, keep it real babe. (In own voice) You may now thank me. 
Raj: For what, making me sound like a Simpsons character? 
Howard: Fine, next time make your own date.
Raj: I didn’t want to make this one.
Leonard: Look on the bright side, she might turn out to be a nice, beautiful girl. 
Raj: Great, then we’ll get married, I won’t be able to talk to her, and we’ll spend the rest of our lives in total silence. 
Howard: Worked for my parents. 
Penny (knocking and entering): Hi guys.
Leonard: Oh, hey. 
Penny: I need some guinea pigs.
Sheldon: Okay, there’s a lab animal supply company in Reseda you could try, but if your research is going to have human applications may I suggest white mice instead, their brain chemistry is far closer to ours. 
Penny: I swear to God, Sheldon, one day I’m going to get the hang of talking to you. 
Leonard: His mom’s been saying that for years. What’s up?
Penny: Well, I finally convinced the restaurant to give me a bar tending shift, so I need to practice making drinks.
Leonard: Oh, great, well the key to acquiring proficiency in any task is repetition.
Sheldon: With certain obvious exceptions. Suicide, for example. 
Penny: So Leonard, how about it?
Leonard: Look, Penny, we’d love to help you, but Raj is going through some stuff right now. And besides, he doesn’t drink, so… (Raj whispers in his ear) Really? Um, Raj is going through some stuff right now and he’d like to take up drinking. 
Scene: Penny’s apartment. 
Penny: Okay, here you go, Leonard, one tequila sunrise. 
Leonard: Thank you. This drink is a wonderful example of how liquids with different specific gravities interact in a cylindrical container. Thank you. 
Penny: Okay, Raj, what’ll it be? (Raj whispers in Leonard’s ear.) 
Leonard: Whatever you recommend.
Penny: Uh, how about a grasshopper. I make a mean grasshopper. Okay? Good. Coming up. Sheldon, what are you going to have?
Sheldon: I’ll have a diet coke.
Penny: Okay, can you please order a cocktail, I need to practice mixing drinks.
Sheldon: Fine. I’ll have a virgin cuba libre. 
Penny: That’s, um, rum and coke without the rum.
Sheldon: Yes, 
Penny: So coke.
Sheldon: Yes. And would you make it diet? 
Penny: There’s a can in the fridge. 
Sheldon: A cuba libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.
Penny: Then swim to Cuba.
Sheldon: Bartenders are supposed to have people skills. 
Penny: Okay, Raj, here you go. Alright, who’s next?
Howard: I’d like to try a slippery nipple. 
Penny: Okay, you’re cut off. Anybody need a refill?
Raj: Where did my life go, Penny? One day I’m a carefree batchelor, and the next I’m married and driving a minivan to peewee cricket matches in suburban New Delhi. 
Penny: A… are you talking to me?
Raj: Is there another Penny here? I had such plans. I had dreams. I was going to be the Indira Gandhi of particle astro-physics. But with a penis, of course. 
Leonard: It’s amazing.
Raj: Ever since I was a little boy my father wanted me to be a gynaecologist like him. How can I be a gynaecologist, I can barely look a woman in the eye. You know what, I’m not going to let my parents control my future any longer, it’s time for a showdown. Somebody give me a computer with a webcam. 
Penny: Okay, sweetie, I think that’s the grasshopper talking. 
Raj: And it’s about to tell my parents that I’m not riding an elephant down the aisle with Lalita Gupta. 
Penny: Okay, calm down, no-one can make you get married. Why don’t you just meet this girl and, see what happens.
Raj: Haven’t you been listening to me, I cannot talk to women.
Leonard: Um… Raj.
Howard: No, no, let’s see how long it takes him.
Penny: Um, Raj, honey, you say you can’t talk to women but… you’ve been talking to me.
Sheldon: And now we’ll never know. 
Raj: You’re right. I… I am talking to you. Hello Penny, how are you?
Penny: I’m fine.
Raj: Okay, now I just need to make sure I have a Lalita before I meet the grasshopper. It’s a sweet green miracle. 
Penny: Okay, if you’re going to drink on this date just promise me you won’t overdo it. 
Raj: Overdo what? Happiness? Freedom? This warm glow inside of me that promises everything is going to be all hunky donkey?
Penny: Yeah, that. Uh, why don’t you bring her to my restaurant when I’m tending the bar so I can keep an eye on you?
Raj: Okay.
Leonard: Wait a minute, what’s the plan here? Let’s say he meets her and he likes her and they get married, what’s he going to do, stay drunk for the rest of his life?
Howard: Worked for my parents. 
Scene: The restaurant.   
Raj: I can’t believe I’m sitting here next to little Lalita Gupta. 
Lalita: Well, you are. 
Raj: Little Lalita. That’s kind of fun to say. Little Lalita, Little Lalita, Little Lalita, you should try it.
Lalita: No, it’s okay. 
Raj: You have lost so much weight! That must have been difficult for you because you were so, so fat! Do you remember?
Lalita: Yes, I do.
Raj: Of course you do. Who could forget being that fat? 
Lalita: Well, I’ve been trying. 
Raj: So you’re a dental student? Hmm, are you aware that dentists have an extremely high suicide rate? Not as high as, say, air traffic controllers, but then there are far more dentists than air traffic controllers, so in pure numbers you’re still winning. 
Lalita: Yay me! 
Leonard (to Penny): You have a drink that’ll make him less obnoxious?
Penny: Drinks do not work that way. 
Howard: I’d say he was doing fine, look at her, last girl my mom set me up with had a moustache and a vestigial tail. 
Sheldon: Sorry I’m late.
Leonard: What happened?
Sheldon: Nothing, I just really didn’t want to come. Virgin diet cuba libre please.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: In a tall glass, with a lime wedge.
Penny: Oh, I’ll wedge it right in there. 
Sheldon: So, how’s Koothrappali d…. oh my Lord.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: That’s Princess Punchali. 
Leonard: I’m pretty sure her name’s Lalita.
Sheldon: No, no, Princess Punchali from The Monkey and the Princess. 
Howard: Oh, yeah, I tried to watch that online, but they wanted a credit card. 
Sheldon: It’s a children’s story.
Howard: Oh, no it isn’t. 
Sheldon: When I was a little boy and got sick, which was most of the time, my mother would read it to me. It’s about an Indian princess who befriends a monkey, who was mocked by all the other monkeys because he was different. For some reason I related to it quite strongly. 
Penny: I know the reason. 
Leonard: We all know the reason. Sheldon, what are you getting at?
Sheldon: That woman looks exactly like the pictures of Princess Punchali in the book. How often does one see a beloved fictional character come to life?
Howard: Every year at Comic Con. Every day at Disneyland you can hire Snow White to come to your house. Course they prefer it if you have a kid, but… 
Raj: Hey guys. This is Lalita Gupta, Lalita this is Leonard and Sheldon and Howard and Penny. Isn’t it great, she isn’t fat any more! 
Sheldon: Forgive me your highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.
Lalita: I’m sorry? 
Sheldon: You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Punchali. 
Lalita: Oh, no kidding? Oh, who is that?
Sheldon: A beloved character from an Indian folk tale. 
Lalita: Oh. Us Indian, or “come to our casino” Indian?
Sheldon: You Indian.
Lalita: Oh. 
Sheldon: The resemblance is remarkable. I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair. 
Lalita: Thanks. I imagine you smell very nice too. 
Sheldon: I shower twice a day and wash my hands as often as I can. 
Lalita: Really, so do I.
Raj: But you’re a dentist, he’s nuts. 
Lalita: Don’t be insulting Rajesh. So, Sheldon, tell me more about this princess you say I look like. 
Sheldon: It was said that the Gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars, and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips. 
Lalita: Oh my.
Raj: Back off Sheldon. 
Sheldon: What?
Raj: If you do not stop hitting on my lady you will feel the full extent of my wrath.
Sheldon: I’m not hitting on her.
Lalita: And I am not your lady. 
Howard: And you have no wrath. 
Raj: You are my lady. Our parents said so. We are for all intents and purposes one hundred percent hooked up.
Lalita: Okay, let’s get something straight here. The only reason I came tonight was to get my parents off my case, I certainly don’t need to be getting this old world crap from you.
Sheldon: Exactly the kind of spirit with which Princess Punchali led the monkeys to freedom. 
Raj: Oh, screw Princess Punchali.
Lalita: Hey, you can’t talk to me like that.
Raj: But you’re not Princess Punchali.
Sheldon: Luckily for you, she could have you beheaded.
Lalita: Sheldon, are you hungry?
Sheldon: I could eat. 
Lalita: Let’s go. 
Raj: What just happened?
Leonard: Beats the hell out of me. 
Howard: I’ll tell you what just happened, I just learned how to pick up Indian chicks. 
Scene: The apartment. Raj is talking to his parents on the webcam.
Mrs Koothrappali: What are we supposed to say to Lalita’s parents?
Dr Koothrappali: I play golf with her father, I won’t be able to look at him.
Raj: Maybe you should keep your eye on the ball, Papa. 
Dr Koothrappali: Oh, now you’re a funny man? This is not funny, Mr Funny Man. 
Leonard: Doctor and Mrs Koothrappali, in all fairness, it wasn’t entirely Raj’s fault. 
Dr Koothrappali: This is a family matter Sheldon.
Leonard: No, I’m Leonard. 
Dr Koothrappali: Oh, sorry, you all look alike to us. 
Raj: But he’s right, Papa, listen to him. (Sheldon enters) You! You are the one who ruined everything! 
Mrs Koothrappali: Who is it? We can’t see.
Dr Koothrappali: Turn us, turn us. 
Raj: Go ahead, tell my parents why they won’t have any grandchildren.
Sheldon: How would I know, do you have a low sperm count?
Raj: This has nothing to do with my sperm count.
Mrs Koothrappali: You are wearing the boxers that we sent you, aren’t you Rajesh.
Raj: Yes Mommy.
Mrs Koothrappali: Because you know what happens to the samosas when you wear the tidy whities. 
Raj: Can we please stop talking about my testicles? Sheldon, tell them what you did.
Sheldon: What did I do? 
Leonard: You left with his date. Friends don’t do that to each other. 
Sheldon: Oh. Alright, noted. Sorry.
Raj: Sorry? That’s all you can say is sorry?
Leonard: Take it, Raj. It’s more than I’ve ever gotten. 
Sheldon: And may I point out she wouldn’t have asked me to go with her if you hadn’t been drunk and boring. 
Dr Koothrappali: Drunk?
Sheldon: And boring, her words. 
Dr Koothrappali: I knew it, he moves to America and becomes an alcoholic. 
Raj: I’m not an alcoholic.
Dr Koothrappali: Then why were you drunk?
Raj: It was just this one time, Papa, I swear. 
Dr Koothrappali: Are you in denial? Do we have to come over and do an intervention? 
Mrs Koothrappali: Don’t embarrass him in front of his friends. 
Dr Koothrappali: Alright. Carry us outside, we want to talk to you in private. 
Raj: But Papa, please….
Dr Koothrappali: Now, Rajesh. 
Raj (to Leonard and Sheldon): I have to go.   
Dr Koothrappali: Now listen to me….
Raj: Please wait until I get into the hall. 
Sheldon: Okay, well, good night.
Leonard: Hold on. What happened with you and Lalita?
Sheldon: We ate. She lectured me on the link between gum disease and heart attacks, nothing I didn’t already know, and I came home. 
Leonard: So you’re not going to see her again?
Sheldon: Why would I see her again? I already have a dentist. (Exits)
Leonard: I wonder who’s going to tell his parents they’re not having grandchildren. 
Scene: Penny’s restaurant. Sheldon is on the piano, singing “To Life” from Fiddler on the Roof enthusiastically. 
Leonard: I don’t believe it, what’s gotten into him? 
Penny: Oh, maybe a couple of virgin cuba libres that turned out to be kind of slutty. 
Leonard: You didn’t?
Penny: Hey, you do your experiments, I do mine. 

Scene: The apartment, Leonard is attaching something to a lamp.
Leonard: Okay, the X10s are online.
Howard: Gentlemen, I am now about to send a signal from this laptop through our local ISP, racing down fibre-optic cable at the speed of light to San Francisco, bouncing off a satellite in geosynchronous orbit to Lisbon, Portugal, where the data packets will be handed off to submerged transatlantic cables terminating in Halifax, Nova-Scotia, and transferred across the continent via microwave relays back to our ISP and the X10 receiver attached to this (clicks mouse, lamp switches on) lamp. (The others cheer and clap). 
Sheldon: Look at me, look at me, I’ve got goosebumps. 
Howard: Are we ready on the stereo? 
Raj: Go for stereo. 
(Howard clicks mouse again. Also Sprach Zarathustra begins to play. At the climactic notes, the four jump in the air and begin pretend conducting or jumping about in time to the music.)
Penny (entering): Hey guys. 
All (calming down, embarrassed): Hello.
Penny: It’s a little loud.
Howard: No problem, turning it down. (Using mouse again) San Francisco, Lisbon, Halifax (the music gets quieter) et voila. 
Penny: Okay, thanks.
Leonard: Hang on, hang on, do you not realise what we just did.
Penny: Yeah, you turned your stereo down with your laptop. 
Sheldon: No, we turned our stereo down by sending a signal around the world via the internet. 
Penny: Oh. You know you can just get one of those universal remotes at Radio Shack, they’re really cheap.
Leonard: No, no, no, you don’t get it, um, Howard, enable public access. 
Howard: Public access enabled. (They all stare around for a moment in silence.)
Penny: Boy, that’s brilliant, but I’ll see you.
Leonard: No, hang on, hang on. (The lamp goes off and on again.) See! 
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Someone in Sezchuan province, China is using his computer to turn our lights on and off. 
Penny: Huh, well that’s handy. Um, here’s a question, why? 
All together: Because we can. (There is a loud noise)
Sheldon: They found the remote controlled cars.
Penny: Well, wait, wait, what’s on top of them. 
Leonard: Wireless webcams, wave hello. 
Howard: The monster truck is out of Austin, Texas, and the blue Viper is being operated from suburban Tel Aviv. 
Sheldon: You may want to put on slacks. 
Penny: What? (Seeing red car is trying to get between her legs) Ew, stop it, no, leave me alone. 
Leonard: Who’s running the red Corvette?
Howard: That would be me. 
Credits sequence
Scene: The same, clearing up.
Sheldon: You know, in the future, when we’re disembodied brains in jars, we’re going to look back on this as eight hours well wasted. 
Raj: I don’t want to be in a jar. I want my brain in an android body. Eight feet tall and ripped. 
Howard: I’m with you. I just have to make sure if I’m a synthetic human I’d still be Jewish. I promised my mother. 
Raj: I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised. But that’s something your Rabbi would have to discuss with the manufacturers. 
Sheldon: Not to mention you’d have to power down on Saturdays. 
Leonard: Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash? 
Sheldon: Well, there’s always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam’s Razor would suggest that someone threw it out. 
Leonard: It’s from the Institute for Experimental Physics. They want us to present our paper on the properties of super solids at the topical conference on Bowes-Einstein condensates. 
Sheldon: I know. I read it before I threw it out. 
Leonard: Okay… if I may drill down to the bedrock of my question, why did you throw it out.
Sheldon: Because I have no interest in standing in the Rose Room of the Pasadena Marriott in front of a group of judgemental strangers, who wouldn’t recognise true genius if it were standing in front of them giving a speech. Which, if I were there, it would be. 
Howard: I don’t know, Sheldon, those topical conferences on Bowes-Einstein condensates parties are legendary. 
Leonard: Forget the parties.
Howard: Forget the parties? What a nerd. 
Leonard: Are there any other honours I’ve gotten that I don’t know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
Sheldon: Leonard, please don’t take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize, is the day I begin my research on the drag co-efficient of tassles on flying carpets. 
Raj: Hoo-hoo-hoo. The only thing missing from that insult was “yo mamma.” 
Howard: I’ve got one, hey Leonard, your mamma’s research methodology is so flawed….
Leonard: Shut up, Howard. Sheldon, we have to do this.
Sheldon: No we don’t. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying, everything else is optional. 
Leonard: Okay, let me put it this way, I’m doing it.
Sheldon: You can’t. I’m the lead author. 
Leonard: Oh, come on. The only reason you’re the lead author is because we went alphabetically. 
Sheldon: I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone. You’re welcome. 
Leonard: Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis. 
Sheldon: It doesn’t need proving. 
Leonard: So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
Sheldon: They’re not supposed to, but they should. 
Leonard: Alright, I don’t care what you say, I’m going to the conference and I’m presenting our findings. 
Sheldon: And I forbid it. 
Leonard: You forbid it?
Sheldon: If I’m not taking credit for our work then nobody is. 
Leonard: Oh, you admit that it’s our work.
Sheldon: No, once again, I’m throwing you a bone. And once again, you are welcome. 
Leonard: Ah!
Howard: Oh no he dit’nt!
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Penny is looking through his closet. 
Penny: So, how’s it going with Sheldon, are you guys still not talking to each other? 
Leonard: Not only is he still not talking to me, but there’s this thing he does where he stares at you and tries to get your brain to explode. You know, like in the classic sci-fi movie Scanners? (Put’s fingers to head) You know, bzzz-pchew! Never mind. How about this one. It says, “I know my physics, but I’m still a fun guy!”
Penny: Oh, hey, I didn’t know they still made corduroy suits!
Leonard: They don’t, that’s why I saved this one. 
Penny: Okay, well, let’s just see what else you have. Okay, here, take this, and this, and this, and these.
Leonard: Is this all stuff you want me to try on?
Penny: No, this is stuff I want you to throw out. 
Leonard: Oh.
Penny: Seriously, don’t even give it to charity, you won’t be helping anyone. What’s this.
Leonard: Oh, that’s the bottled city of Kandor. 
Penny: Uh-huh. 
Leonard: You see, Kandor was the capital city of the planet Krypton, it was miniaturised by Brainiac before Krypton exploded and then rescued by Superman. 
Penny: Oh, nice. 
Leonard: It’s a lot cooler when girls aren’t looking at it.
Penny: Here, why don’t you put these on while I find a shirt and sport-coat to match. 
Leonard: Great, be right back.
Penny: Well, where you going, just put them on. 
Leonard: Here?
Penny: Oh, are you shy? 
Leonard: No, I’m not shy.
Penny: Don’t worry, I won’t look. 
Leonard: I know you won’t look, why would you look, there’s nothing to see, well, not nothing….
Penny: Sweetie, put the pants on.
Leonard: Putting them on.
Penny: So, you know, isn’t there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing.
Leonard: No. No. Scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesise facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention, Sheldon is batcrap crazy. 
Penny: What is this?
Leonard: Oh, careful. That’s my original series Battlestar Galactica flight suit. 
Penny: Oh, why didn’t you wear it at Halloween?
Leonard: Because it’s not a costume, it’s a flight suit. 
Penny: Okay, alright, moving on, oh, wow, a paisley shirt.
Leonard: Uh-huh, it goes with my corduroy suit. 
Penny: If you mean it should end up in the same place then, I agree. Is this your… your only tie?
Leonard: Ah. Technically yes, but, if you’ll notice, it’s reversible. So it works as two. 
Penny: Oh, sweetie, I don’t think it even works as one. Is this all your clothes?
Leonard: Yeah. Everything since the eighth grade. 
Penny: The… the eighth grade?
Leonard: My last growth spurt. 
Penny: Okay, well, I guess we’re back to the corduroy suit. 
Leonard: Great.
Penny: Yup. (Leonard picks up paisley shirt) I said no, put it down. 
Scene: The ground floor hallway.
Penny: Hey Sheldon! 
Sheldon (unlocking his mailbox): Hello Penny.  
Penny: Get anything good? 
Sheldon: Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.
Penny: Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn’t. (Sheldon looks confused). It was a joke. (Sheldon gives a fake laugh.) Yup, tip your waitresses, I’m here all week. 
Sheldon: Penny, just to save you from further awkwardness know that I’m perfectly comfortable with the two of us climbing the stairs in silence. 
Penny: Oh yeah, me too. Zip it, lock it. (The begin to climb) Put it in your pocket. So you and Leonard…
Sheldon: Oh dear God! 
Penny: Little misunderstanding, huh. 
Sheldon: A little misunder…. Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.
Penny: Anyway, I was talking to Leonard this morning and I think he feels really bad about it. 
Sheldon: Huh.
Penny: Well how do you feel?
Sheldon: I don’t understand the question.
Penny: Well I’m just asking if it’s difficult to be fighting with your best friend. 
Sheldon: Oh. I hadn’t thought about it like that. I wonder if I’ve been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil. 
Penny: Wait… what? 
Sheldon: I couldn’t poop this morning. 
Penny: You should just talk to him, I’m sure you guys can work this out. 
Sheldon: It’s certainly preferable to my plan.
Penny: Which was? 
Sheldon: A powerful laxative. 
Penny: Okay, so you absolutely should talk to him, look, I know Leonard values you as a friend, and he told me himself that without your little idea there’s no way he could have come up with this whole experiment thing.
Sheldon: Excuse me, little idea? 
Penny: Yeah, I mean he tried to explain it to me, I didn’t really understand it but…
Sheldon: Of course you didn’t, he said little idea? 
Penny: Uh, well no, no, not in… not in those words.
Sheldon: In what words then, exactly
Penny: Um, gee, the exact words aren’t written… it’s more the spirit in which it’s 
Sheldon: What did he say?
Penny: You had a lucky hunch. 
Leonard (coming out of apartment): Hey, Sheldon, I’ve been thinking, instead of arguing about this why don’t….
Sheldon: Don’t you ever speak to me again. 
Leonard: What… (Sheldon goes into apartment and slams the door). 
Penny: Uh, he… (makes “he’s screwy” hand movements, turns to go). 
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is dressed in the corduroy suit. 
Leonard: Okay, I’m leaving for the conference. 
Sheldon: Have fun presenting my lucky hunch. 
Leonard: Sheldon I didn’t mean it like that.
Sheldon: Then why did you say it.
Leonard: I don’t know, I wasn’t choosing my…
Sheldon: Were you trying to impress Penny?
Leonard: No, no not at all. A little bit. 
Sheldon: How’d that work out for you?
Penny (entering): Leonard, ready to go?
Sheldon: Libido 1, truth zero. 
Leonard: Okay, I’m going to ask you one more time, we did the work together, lets present the paper together.
Sheldon: And I’m telling you for the last time it’s pandering, it’s undignified and bite me. 
Leonard: Let’s go.
Penny: Bye Sheldon. 
Sheldon: Goodbye Penny. (Places fingers to head to try to make Leonard’s brain explode. Leonard leaves.) Oooh, one of these days, Pkshhhh!
Scene: A corridor at the conference. Penny is attaching Leonard’s name tag. 
Penny: There you go. 
Leonard: You’re right, this side does look better. 
Penny: No, no, I didn’t say better, I said less stained. 
Howard: I just checked the house, there’s probably twenty, twenty-five people in there.
Leonard: You’re kidding. 
Penny: Is that all?
Leonard: All? In particle physics, twenty five is Woodstock. 
Penny: Oh, well, then good!
Leonard: I wasn’t expecting such a crowd, I’m a little nervous. 
Howard: It’s okay, just open with a joke, you’ll be fine. 
Leonard: A joke. Okay. How about this, um, okay, uh there’s this farmer, and he has these chickens, but they won’t lay any eggs. So, he calls a physicist to help. The physicist then does some calculations, and he says, um, I have a solution, but it only works with spherical chickens in a vacuum. (Raj and Howard laugh.) Right? 
Penny: Oh, sorry, I’ve just, I’ve heard it before. 
Howard: Let’s roll. Hey, nice suit.
Leonard: It’s a classic, right? 
Penny: I really should have brought my own car. 
Scene: Leonard is presenting.
Leonard: So, in conclusion, the data show that at temperatures approaching absolute zero, the moment of inertia changes, and the solid becomes a super-solid, which clearly appears to be a previously unknown state of matter. (Applause) Thank you. (Penny is asleep on Howard’s shoulder. Howard is taking a photograph with his camera phone.) Are there any questions?
Voice: Yeah. What the hell was that? 
Leonard: Any other questions?
Sheldon (who previously spoke, now removing his hood and dark glasses): Doctor Sheldon Cooper here, I am the lead author of this particular paper. (No reaction.) Thank you. And you, sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park, and I saw these children on a merry-go-round, which started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gasses like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero. 
Leonard: I didn’t skip it, it’s just an anecdote. It’s not science.
Sheldon: Oh, I see, was the apple falling on Newton’s head, was that just an anecdote?
Leonard: You are not Isaac Newton.
Sheldon: No, no that’s true, gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple. 
Leonard: You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
Sheldon: You continue to underestimate me, my good man. 
Leonard: Look, if you weren’t happy with my presentation then maybe you should have given it with me.
Sheldon: As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don’t need validation from lesser minds. No offence. 
Leonard: Really, so why did you come?
Sheldon: Because I knew you’d screw this up.
Leonard: I didn’t screw it up.
Sheldon: Oh, please. I admit, that spherical chicken joke, that was hilarious. But it was straight downhill from there. 
Leonard: I’ve had enough of your condescension. Maybe I didn’t go to college when I was eleven like you, maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16, but you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room. No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation.
Sheldon: So you admit that you’re an egotist?
Leonard: Yes. (To audience) My name is Dr Leonard Hofstadter, and I could never please my parents so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you. But he’s worse.
Sheldon: Okay, that is it. (Tries to explode brain again.)
Leonard: You cannot blow up my head with your mind. 
Sheldon: Then I’ll settle for an aneurysm. 
Leonard (knocking his hands down): Stop it.
Sheldon: You hit me. You saw him, he hit me.
Leonard: You were trying to blow up my head.
Sheldon: So it was working.
Leonard: It wasn’t, it was not, you are a nutcase.
Sheldon: Oh we’ll see about that (tries again), heads up you people in the front row, this is a splash zone.
Leonard: Stop, stop it, quit it. (The start to fight.)
Penny: Is this usually how these physics things go?
Howard: More often than you’d think.
Leonard (getting Sheldon on floor): Vulcan nerve pinch!
Scene: The apartment. 
Sheldon: You could have offered me a ride home. 
Leonard: You’re lucky I didn’t run you over. 
Sheldon: I really don’t understand what you’re so unhappy about, you begged me to come, I came, there’s just no pleasing you. 
Leonard: You’re right, I’m the problem, I’m the one that needs help. 
Sheldon: Well that’s not much of an apology, but I’ll take it. 
Leonard: Excuse me. Is there anything you’d like to apologise for?
Sheldon: Yes. I’m sorry I tried to blow up your head. It was uncalled for. 
Howard (entering with Raj): You won’t believe this.
Raj: Somebody got the whole thing on a cell phone and put it on youtube. 
Leonard: What? 
Sheldon: Now, who would do that?
Howard: That would be me. Hey, check it out, it’s a featured video. (The watch). 
Leonard: Oh jeez. Is this suit really look that bad?
Sheldon: Forget your suit, look at my arms waving, I’m like a flamingo on Ritalin. 
Penny (entering): Howard, would you like to explain to me why your facebook page has a picture of me sleeping on your shoulder captioned “Me and my Girlfriend?”
Howard: Uh-oh, here comes “the talk.” 
Penny tries to make Howard’s brain explode. 
Scene: Captioned “Somewhere in China”, two Chinese students watch the video on their computer. 
Student one (in captions): What losers. 
Student two: Yeah. Gigantic American geeks. (The lights flicker)
Student one:  Who’s doing that? 
Student two: Someone from Pasadena, California named… “Wolowizard.” 
Together: Awesome!

Scene: The downstairs lobby.
Leonard: See, the liquid metal Terminators were created in the future by Skynet, and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson, but that future no longer exists, due to Dyson’s death in Terminator 2.
Sheldon: Okay, then riddle me this. Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite hot 17 year-old killer robot?
Leonard: Skynet is kinky? I don’t know. 
Sheldon: Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes. 
Leonard: Alright, oh wait, they use it to in…
Sheldon: (Buzzing noise), too late, I win. 
Penny (voice off, singing, quite tunelessly): Let’s go-oh-oh Ou-oooo-ut tonight. I have to go-oh-oh-oh ou-ooooo-ut tonight. 
Leonard: What the hell is that? 
Sheldon: I don’t know, but if cats could sing, they’d hate it too. (The continue up the stairs and disappear from view).
Penny (still singing off): You wanna prowl, be my night owl, (Leonard and Sheldon reappear, running down the stairs) we’ll take my… (appearing) Hey guys, hi! Where you going?
Leonard: What? Oh we just had to… mail some letters and (seeing Sheldon has large bag in hand and bin is nearby) throw away some chicken. (Sheldon very reluctantly does.)
Penny: You’ll never guess what just happened.
Leonard: Oh, I give up.
Sheldon: I don’t guess. As a scientist I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation, although as I’m saying this it occurs to me you may have been employing a rhetorical device rendering my response moot. 
Penny: What was that?
Leonard: Believe it or not, personal growth. What happened?
Penny: Alright, remember when I auditioned for that workshop production of Rent, but I didn’t get it and I couldn’t figure out why?
Sheldon: I have a conclusion based on an observation.
Leonard: No you don’t. No he doesn’t.
Penny: Well, the girl they picked to play Mimi, she dropped out and they asked me to replace her. 
Leonard: Oh, congratulations, what a lucky break.
Penny: It’s not a big deal, just a one night showcase, but they invite a lot of casting people and agents so, you never know. 
Sheldon: I think I know.
Leonard: No you don’t. He doesn’t.
Penny: It’s this Friday at eight, you guys want to come?
Together: No.
Leonard: Because…. uh, Friday, we are attending a symposium on molecular positronium.
Sheldon: I think that’s a week from Tuesday at six. 
Leonard: No, it’s this Friday, at eight. 
Penny: Oh, too bad, well, I got to get to rehearsal, see you guys. 
Leonard: See you. (Penny exits singing) 
Sheldon: You just lied to Penny.
Leonard: Yes, I did. 
Sheldon: And you did it so casually, no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So, lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath. 
Leonard: Sheldon, are you worried about your safety.
Sheldon: No, I imagine if you were going to kill me you’d have done it a long time ago. 
Leonard: That’s very true. 
Leonard exits. Sheldon looks worried for a moment, then retrieves the chicken from the bin and follows. 
Credits sequence
Scene: Outside Leonard’s bedroom. 
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard…
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I need to speak to you.
Leonard: It’s two o’clock in the morning
Sheldon: It’s important.
Leonard: I highly doubt that. Go away. (Long pause). Are you still out there? 
Sheldon: Yes. 
Leonard (opening door): What? 
Sheldon: You’re right, it can wait until morning. 
Leonard (following Sheldon into living room): What, what, what, what, what? 
Sheldon: Never mind. I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle, you’re in no state to talk.
Leonard: Sheldon, what is it? 
Sheldon: I’m uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny. 
Leonard: What was I supposed to say. 
Sheldon: You could have told her the truth.
Leonard: That would have hurt her feelings. 
Sheldon: Is that a relevant factor? 
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Then I suppose you could have agreed to go. 
Leonard: And what would I have said afterwards? 
Sheldon: I would suggest something to the effect of, singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I’d recommend you have a CAT scan, to look for a tumour pressing on the cognitive processing centre of your brain.
Leonard: I couldn’t say that, I would have to say, you were terrific and I can’t wait to hear you sing again. 
Sheldon: Why? 
Leonard: It’s the social protocol, it’s what you do when you have a friend who’s proud of something they really suck at. 
Sheldon: I was not aware of that. 
Leonard: Well now you are.
Sheldon: Oh, alright. Leonard.
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: When we played chess earlier, you were terrific and I can’t wait to play you again. Goodnight. 
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. 
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock)….. 
Leonard: Oooaw. This would be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath. (Opening door) What?
Sheldon: I was analysing our lie, and I believe we’re in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.
Leonard: How?
Sheldon: Simple. If she were to log on to www.socalphysicsgroup.org/activities/other, click on upcoming events, scroll down to seminars, download the pdf schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bippidy-boppidy-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire. 
Leonard closes door. 
Sheldon: Well, sir, my trousers will not be igniting today. 
Scene: Outside Penny’s door. 
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (door opens) Good morning.
Penny: Do you have any idea what time it is? 
Sheldon: Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It’s accurate to one tenth of a second. But as I’m saying this it occurs to me that once again your question may have been rhetorical.
Penny: What do you want?
Sheldon: Remember how Leonard told you we couldn’t come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?
Penny: I remember symposium.
Sheldon: Yes, well, he lied.
Penny: Wait, what?
Sheldon: He lied, and I’m feeling very uncomfortable about it.
Penny: Well imagine how I’m feeling. 
Sheldon: Hungry? Tired? I’m sorry this really isn’t my strong suit. 
Scene: The living room. 
Leonard: You told her I lied, why would you tell her I lied?
Sheldon: To help you. 
Leonard: I’m sorry, I’m not seeing the help.
Sheldon: She was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me. 
Leonard: Oh, I’m getting a bad feeling. 
Sheldon: Hunger? Indigestion, I’m sorry I’m really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night, we’re going to participate in my cousin Leopold’s drug intervention. 
Leonard: Your cousin Leopold?
Sheldon: Yea, who most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee, remember that, it’s important. 
Leonard: What’s important?
Sheldon: Details, Leonard, the success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details. 
Leonard: Do you have a cousin Leopold.
Sheldon: No, I made him up. I think you’d call him Lee. 
Leonard: I don’t get it, I already told her a lie, why replace it with a different lie?
Sheldon: Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping I was weaving an un-unravelable web. 
Leonard: Un-unravelable?
Sheldon: Yes, if she googles Leopold Houston she’ll find a facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use, and a desperate yet hopeful listing on e-harmony.com.
Leonard: Okay, why would I go to a drug intervention for your cousing.
Sheldon: Ah, because it’s in Long Beach, and I don’t drive. 
Leonard: We’re going to Long Beach?
Sheldon: No, of course not, there’s no cousin Leo, there’s no intervention, focus Leonard.
Leonard: Oh, come on!
Sheldon: We just leave the house on Friday night, and we return in the wee hours emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab.
Leonard: So he goes back into rehab?
Sheldon: Yes, but, he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to go hear her sing again.
Leonard: You still told her I lied.
Sheldon: For a noble purpose, to spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin, which I’m assuming is embarrassing, yes?
Leonard: I don’t know. How am I supposed to remember all of this.
Sheldon: That’s the best part, you don’t have to, see I told Penny that you would be embarrassed, if you knew that she found out that you had lied, so she’s agreed to operate as if the original lie was still in force. 
Leonard: So she’s expecting me to lie about going to a symposium in Pasadena, when in actuality we’re pretending to go to a drug intervention in Long Beach? 
Sheldon: Un-unravelable. 
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard (opening door): Oh hey Penny, wow, look at you, all ready for your showcase, you look great.
Penny: Thanks. I just wanted to come by and wish you guys luck with your symposium. 
Leonard: Oh, well, thankyou.
Penny: You know, I got to tell you, a lot of friends would let their friend go alone, but that’s not who you are, you are the kind of guy who stands by a friend when… when he has a symposium to go to. 
Leonard: I don’t know what to say. 
Penny: It’s okay, Leonard (hugs him.)
Leonard: Oh, okay, alright, good. 
Howard (arriving): Oh boy, group hug.
Penny: Uh-huh!
Howard: Uh-huh?
Penny: Uh-huh!
Howard: Okay. So what’s up? 
Sheldon: Well, uh, Penny is on her way to perform in a one night showcase production of Rent, which we are unable to attend because we are going to a symposium on molecular positronium, given by Dr Emile Farminfarmian.
Howard: Wait a minute, Farminfarmian is speaking and you’re Bogarding the symposium. 
Leonard: Howard, I’m sorry… we’re… we’re
Howard: No, no, you’re quark-blocking us. 
Leonard: I don’t know what to say.
Howard: Wow.
Leonard: Howard, listen…
Howard: No, it’s okay, it’s your Millenium Falcon, you and Chewbacca do whatever you want to do. Me and Princess Leia here will find some other way to spend the evening. 
Penny: Howard, wait. Sheldon, I think we should tell them.
Sheldon: Okay, sure. I don’t see a problem with that. 
Penny: There’s no symposium, Leonard lied to me, isn’t that right Leonard. 
Leonard: Well… I don’t know what to say. 
Penny: It’s okay, I do, look, Leonard is helping Sheldon through a family crisis, he made up the whole story about the symposium with Dr Farmin..farm…ian
Sheldon: Good for you. 
Penny: Hah, yeah! Because he didn’t want Sheldon to be embarrassed, and there is nothing to be embarrassed okay, every family in America has a relative holed up in a garage somewhere huffing paint thinner.
Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): No, I’m lost too, I think she skipped a step. 
Penny: No, look, Sheldon’s cousin Leo escaped rehab, and he’s in a Motel 8 at Long Beach, the whole family’s going out for an intervention. Leonard is driving Sheldon down there to help him through this because he’s such a good man.
Leonard: Oh, another hug, thank you.
Penny: Alright you guys, good luck.
Leonard: Thanks Penny. 
Howard: Yeah, uh, break a leg.
Sheldon: Break a leg. (She leaves)
Howard: So, road trip to Long Beach.
Leonard: No, we’re not going to Long Beach.
Raj: Why not? 
Leonard: Because Sheldon doesn’t have a drug addicted cousin Leopold. 
Raj: Oh, too bad. I’ve always wanted to go to Long Beach. 
Sheldon: It’s a very nice community. The Queen Mary is docked there, once the largest ocean liner in the world, it’s now a hotel and restaurant where they host a surprisingly gripping murder mystery dinner. 
Raj: Sounds fun.
Howard: I’m game.
Raj: Shotgun.
Sheldon: No, no, no, Leonard gets nauseous unless he sits in front, and even then it’s iffy.
Leonard: Wait, are we really going to Long Beach? 
Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. The bedside table is piled with Queen Mary memorabilia.
 Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard…
Leonard: Let it go, Sheldon, the murderer was the first mate whether it makes sense to you or not. 
Sheldon: No, that’s the least of our worries. I’ve been doing some research on addiction, both the biochemical and behavioural aspects, and I think there’s a problem with the current version of our lie. 
Leonard: What are you talking about, it’s fine, she bought it, it’s over. 
Sheldon: Sadly, it’s not. Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle, but beyond that I have realised that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab.
Leonard: Why not? 
Sheldon: Because Leo is a middle child. 
Leonard: There is no Leo, how can you say that? 
Sheldon: You didn’t read the bio, did you? He’s not just a middle child, he’s the quintessential middle child, from a broken home to boot. Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling even to the point of self-destruction is more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab.
Leonard: I’ve got a solution.
Sheldon: Great, what is it?
Leonard: Get out.
Sheldon: Fine. (He leaves. A moment later he comes back.) I’ve hesitated to point this out, but I must now remind you that we are in our current predicament because of your initial and totally inadequate deceit. I’m just trying to clean up after your mess. (Leonard throws a glass ornament at him. He just manages to shut the door in time.) We’ll talk in the morning.
Scene: The living room. Leonard enters in his dressing gown. There is a strange man eating cereal at the kitchen table. 
Strange man: Morning. 
Leonard: Who are you? 
Man: I am Sheldon’s cousin Leo.
Leonard: Oh, God! Sheldon does not have a cousin Leo.
Man: Au contraire. I’m 26 years old, I’m originally from (reads off crib notes) Denton, Texas, but I was a Navy brat so I was brought up on a variety of military bases around the world, as a result I’ve often felt like an outsider, never really fitting in, which is probably the reason for my substance abuse problem.
Sheldon: Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention.
Man: Oh, Sheldon, are we really going to go with pop psychology.
Sheldon: For your information, this is all based on solid research, stick with the character profile I wrote for you. 
Leonard: Sheldon?
Sheldon: I’m sorry, Leonard, this is Toby Loobenfeld, he’s a research assistant in the particle physics lab, but he also minored in theatre at MIT.
Toby: It was more of a double major actually. Theatre and physics. You can guess which one my bourgeois parents pushed me towards. 
Leonard: Yeah, I got it, Sheldon, why?
Sheldon: Well, you see, while Leo would not have gone into rehab, it is completely plausible that we would have talked him into leaving the motel, and coming home with us.
Leonard: Oh…!
Toby: Sheldon, how about this as my motivation. When I was fourteen years old I was abused in the Philippines by a club footed Navy chaplain.
Sheldon: No. We’re going with middle child, and a generic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production.
Toby: Swell, how do I play genetic predisposition?
Sheldon: Subtextually, of course. (There is a knock on the door.) Just have fun with it. (Opening door.) Morning Penny.
Penny: Hi. How did the intervention go.
Sheldon: Unfortunately, we weren’t able to convince him to go to rehab. 
Penny: Well, based on what you told me, I’m not surprised. 
Sheldon: But we did convince him to leave the motel. Come say hello. Leo, this is Penny, our friend and neighbour.
Penny: Hi Leo, how are you feeling?
Toby: Let me ask you something, Penny. Have you ever woken up in a fleabag motel, covered in your own vomit, next to a transsexual prostitute? 
Penny: No.
Toby: Then don’t ask me how I’m feeling. 
Leonard: Well, that’s Leo. Hey, um, why don’t you tell me about your showcase last night?
Penny: Oh, it was okay I guess, wasn’t a big turn out but they both really seemed to like it. 
Leonard: There were only two people there?
Penny: By the end. Yeah. 
Toby: Damn you, Chaplain Horrigan! 
Penny: I’m… I’m sorry.
Toby: The Philippines. 1992. The Subic Bay Naval Station. A young boy on the cusp of manhood. His only companions mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitos. Desperate and alone he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving God, but who instead introduced him to a gin pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat. What choice did he have but to drink, shoot and snort his pain away.
Sheldon: Don’t forget his genetic predisposition towards addiction.
Toby: That’s never been proven.
Sheldon: There have been studies.
Toby: Not double blind studies.
Sheldon: How could there be a double blind study, who would be the control group. 
Leonard: As you can see, detoxing can get pretty ugly, let’s give them some privacy.
Penny: Yeah. Hey, do you want to come over to my place, have coffee?
Leonard: Sounds good.
Penny: I have a video of me singing last night, do you want to see it? 
Leonard: Gee, why wouldn’t I?
Penny: This is even better than you coming to the showcase, because now I get to watch you watch me.
Leonard: Yeah! Funny how things work out. 
Toby: And that he loved the companionship and the wisdom that his own father failed to provide. 
Sheldon: Your parents made the right decision. 
Toby: I cannot work like this! 
Scene: The apartment. Penny is on the sofa with Toby. They are watching TV.
Toby: This is amazing. Just sitting on a couch, watching TV with a woman. Not being drunk, or high, or… or… wondering if you’re a dude down there.
Penny: Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy. You’re gonna do okay. 
Toby: One day at a time, Penny, one day at a time. 
Leonard: How long is he going to stay here.
Sheldon: He’s a homeless drug addict, Leonard, where is he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.

Scene: The living room of the apartment. Leonard and Sheldon are playing the three dimensional chess game from the original Star Trek series. It is Leonard’s move. He takes his time, moving round the board and checking things from various angles. Finally he tentatively makes a move. Sheldon moves almost immediately.
Sheldon: Checkmate.
Leonard: O-o-o-o-h! Again?
Sheldon: Obviously you’re not well suited for three-dimensional chess, perhaps three dimensional candyland would be more your speed. 
Leonard: Just reset the board.
Sheldon: It must be humbling to suck on so many different levels. 
Penny (knocking and entering): Hi guys.
Leonard: Hey! 
Penny: Did you get my mail.
Leonard: Yeah, right here. How was Nebraska?
Penny: Oh, better than North Dakota! (Pause) I guess that joke’s only funny in Nebraska.
Sheldon: From the data at hand you really can’t draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here. 
Penny: Boy, it’s good to be back. 
Leonard: How was your family?
Penny: Ugh, it was the worst trip, everyone got sick over the weekend.
Sheldon: Sick? 
Leonard: Here we go. 
Sheldon (running to opposite side of the room): What kind of sick?
Penny: Oh, the flu I guess.
Sheldon: I don’t need you to guess, I need you to know, now when did the symptoms first appear?
Penny: Maybe Friday.
Sheldon: Friday, was that morning or afternoon? 
Penny: I… I don’t…
Sheldon: Think woman, who blew their nose and when? 
Leonard: Sheldon, relax, she doesn’t have any symptoms, I’m sure she’s not contagious.
Sheldon: Oh please, if influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilus would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose. 
Leonard: Penny, you’ll have to excuse Sheldon, he’s a bit of a germophobe. 
Penny: Oh, it’s okay, I understand.
Sheldon: Thanks for your consideration, now please leave.
Leonard: You’d better go before he starts spraying you with Lysol. 
Penny: Okay, well, thank you for getting my mail.
Leonard: No problem. Welcome home. (Sees Penny out. Turns to find Sheldon spraying the air with Lysol.)
Sheldon: What?
Credits sequence
Scene: The kitchen
Leonard: What the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: I’m making petrie dishes to grow throat cultures. 
Leonard: With lime jello?
Sheldon: I need a growth medium, and someone polished off the apricot yoghurt. Here, swab my throat.
Leonard: I don’t think so.
Sheldon: Leonard! If I’m going to get ahead of this thing I need to find out what’s growing in my throat. 
Leonard: Sheldon, you are not sick. This is, but you are not. 
Sheldon: We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I’m fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies. 
Leonard: Sheldon, don’t you think you’re overreacting? 
Sheldon: When I’m lying comatose in a hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these jello cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance. 
Leonard: I’m going back to bed. 
Sheldon: Wait. (Handing him a measuring jug) Put this in the bathroom.
Leonard: What for? 
Sheldon: I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren’t shutting down.
Leonard: I mix pancake batter in this! 
Sheldon: No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.
Leonard: You had time to make a label for everything in this apartment, including the label maker, but you didn’t have ten seconds to make one that said urine cup? 
Sheldon: It’s right here on the bottom. 
Leonard: Huh. I guess I owe the Betty Crocker company a letter of apology. 
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom. Sheldon wakes up and coughs. Picks up an electronic thermometer and takes his temperature.
Sheldon: Oh, dear God. (Shouting) Leonard! Leonard, I’m sick!
Cut to Leonard entering living room in panic, stumbling and trying to put on a pair of trousers.
Sheldon (voice off): Leonard! Leonard I’m sick!
Leonard grabs jacket and leaves through front door.
Sheldon (entering, wrapped in duvet): Leonard! Leonard! Leonard. Leonard, my comforter fell down, and my sinuses hurt when I bend over. Leonard? (Bends to get phone) Ow! 
Leonard (voice on phone): Hey.
Sheldon: Leonard, where are you? 
Leonard (running down stairs): I’m at work. 
Sheldon: At six-thirty in the morning? 
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: On Sunday? 
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Why? 
Leonard: They asked me to come in.
Sheldon: Well, I didn’t hear the phone ring.
Leonard: They texted me. 
Sheldon: Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2am, and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate. 
Leonard: No kidding?
Sheldon: No. Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green. 
Leonard: Alright, well, get some rest and drink plenty of fluids. 
Sheldon: What else would I drink? Gasses? Solids? Ionised plasma?
Leonard: Drink whatever you want.
Sheldon: I want soup.
Leonard: Then make soup. 
Sheldon: We don’t have soup. 
Leonard: I’m at work, Sheldon. (A woman enters the apartment building with a barking dog.) 
Sheldon: Is that a dog?
Leonard: Yes, 
Sheldon: In the lab?
Leonard: Yes, they’re training dogs to operate the centrifuge for when they need dogs to operate the centrifuge for blind scientists, I have to go. 
Scene: Howard’s bedroom. The phone is ringing.
Howard’s Mother (voice): Howard, it’s the phone.
Howard: I know it’s the phone, Ma, I hear the phone.
Howard’s Mother: Well who’s calling at this ungodly hour? 
Howard: I don’t know.
Howard’s Mother: Well ask them why they’re calling at this ungodly hour. 
Howard: How can I ask them when I’m talking to you! (Into phone) Hello.
Leonard: Howard, it’s Leonard, code Milky Green. 
Howard: Dear Lord, not Milky Green! 
Leonard: Affirmative, with fever.
Howard’s Mother: Who’s on the phone.
Howard: It’s Leonard.
Howard’s Mother: Why is he calling.
Howard: Sheldon’s sick.
Howard’s Mother: Were you playing with him? 
Howard: For God’s sake, Ma, I’m twenty six years old.
Howard’s Mother: Excuse me Mr Grown-up. Whadda-ya want for breakfast.
Howard: Chocolate milk and eggoes please! 
Leonard: Howard, listen to me.
Howard: Hang on, call waiting.
Leonard (voice): No, don’t, don’t….
Howard: Hello.
Sheldon: Howard, I’m sick. 
Howard (imitating his mother’s voice): Howard’s sleeping, this is his mother. Why are you calling at this ungodly hour? 
Sheldon: I need soup.
Howard: Then call your own mother. (To Leonard) It was Sheldon.
Leonard: I tried to stop you. 
Howard: It’s my own fault, I forgot the protocol we put in place after the great ear infection of ’06. 
Leonard: You call Koothrappali, we need to find a place to lay low for the next eighteen to twenty four hours. 
Howard: Stand by. Ma, can my friends come over?
Howard’s Mother: I just had the carpets steamed. 
Howard: That’s a negatory. But there’s a Planet of the Apes marathon at the New Art today. 
Leonard: Five movies, two hours apiece. It’s a start. 
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory.
Waitress: Homeless crazy guy at table eighteen. 
Penny: No, just crazy. Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: I’m sick, thank you very much. 
Penny: How could you have gotten it from me, I’m not sick.
Sheldon: You’re a carrier. All these people here are doomed. You’re doomed! 
Penny: Shhh! Sheldon, what do you want.
Sheldon: I want soup.
Penny (over Sheldon’s strange throat clearance): Why didn’t you just…. (louder throat clearance) Why didn’t you just have soup at home. 
Sheldon: Penny, I have an IQ of 187, don’t you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home I would have thought of it?
Penny: You can have soup delivered.
Sheldon: I did not think of that. Clearly febrile delirium is setting in, please bring me some soup while I still understand what a spoon is for. 
Penny: Okay, what kind of soup do you want.
Sheldon: Well, my mother used to make me this split pea with little frankfurter slices and these home made croutons.
Penny: We have Chicken Tortilla and Potato Leek. 
Sheldon: Can I get any of those with little frankfurter slices and home made croutons?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Then surprise me. (Blows nose into handkerchief. Shows it to next table) Would you call that moss green or forest green? 
Scene: The cinema. Everyone is wearing ape masks. 
Howard: Look at this, everyone went chimp. 
Raj: Well I’d like to point out, I voted for orang-utan, but you shouted me down. (Phone rings).
Leonard: Oh, hi Penny!
Penny: Hey, where are you? 
Leonard: I’m… uh… at work.
Penny: You sound funny.
Leonard: I’m… uh… in a… I’m in a radiation suit. What’s up?
Penny: Yeah, well I’m at work too, and you’ll never guess who’s here infecting my entire station. 
Leonard (To Howard and Raj): Sheldon’s at the Cheesecake Factory. (Into phone) Just tell him to go home. 
Penny: He won’t leave, he says he’s afraid he’ll pass out on the bus and someone will harvest his organs.
 Leonard (To Howard and Raj): He’s paranoid, and he’s established a nest. 
Penny: Can you please come get him? 
Leonard: Uh, yeah, I’d be… I’d be happy to Penny. (Holds phone up, Howard makes warning siren noises) Oh my God there’s a breech in the radiation unit (Raj joins in) The whole city is in jeopardy, oh my God, Professor Googenfeil is melting, gotta go, bye! (To Howard and Raj) I feel really guilty. 
Raj: You did what you had to do. (Steals some of Howard’s popcorn)
Howard: Take your stinking paws off my popcorn you damn dirty ape. 
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: Thanks for bringing me home. 
Penny: Oh, it’s okay, I didn’t really need to work today, it’s not like I have rent or car payments or anything.
Sheldon: Good. Good.
Penny: Okay, well, you feel better.
Sheldon: Wait, where are you going? 
Penny: Um, home, to write some bad cheques.
Sheldon: You’re going to leave me? 
Penny: Sheldon, you are a grown man, haven’t you ever been sick before? 
Sheldon: Well, of course, but, not by myself. 
Penny: Really, never?
Sheldon: Well, once. When I was fifteen, and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.
Penny: Studying abroad?
Sheldon: No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I’m used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia. 
Penny: And there was no-one there to take care of you?
Sheldon: No. No, my mum had to fly back to Texas to help my dad because the house had slipped off the cinderblocks again. 
Penny: Again?
Sheldon: It was tornado season. And it was an aluminium house. Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn’t speak any English, when I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said “Möchtest Du eine Darmspülung?”
Penny: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Based on what happened next, I assume it means “would you like an enema?”
Penny: Okay, sweetie, I’ll take care of you, what do you need?
Sheldon: Well, my mom used to give me sponge baths. 
Penny: Okay, ground rules, no sponge baths, and definitely no enemas. 
Sheldon: Agreed. 
Scene: The cinema. 
Raj: Here we go, ten and a half hours of apey goodness. 
Leonard: Oh dammit, my glasses. Okay, I’m blind here guys, can you help me find them?
Howard: Sorry. (Crunching sound) Found ‘em. 
Leonard: Oh great.
Howard: Sorry, don’t you have a spare.
Leonard: Yeah, at home. 
Raj: Well if you leave now, you can be back before the gorillas rip the crap out of Charlton Heston. 
Howard: Unless Sheldon’s there, in which case you’ll be trapped forever in his whiny hyper neurotic snot-web. 
Leonard (Dials phone): Hi, Penny. I was wondering, is Sheldon still at the restaurant? Okay, that was very nice of you. Okay, gotta go, got kind of a full blown Chernobyl thing here, gotta go, bye. (To Howard) He’s home, I’m screwed. Ten and a half hours of apey blurriness. 
Raj: How about Lasic? 
Leonard: You want me to get eye surgery? 
Raj: Would you rather go back to the apartment and deal with Sheldon, or have a stranger carve out your corneas with a laser beam?
Howard: Well?
Leonard: I’m thinking! 
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Penny: Okay, nice and cosy, okay, I’ll see you later.
Sheldon: Wait. Will you please rub this on my chest. 
Penny: Oh, Sheldon, can’t you do that yourself?
Sheldon: Vaporub makes my hands smell funny. 
Penny: But Sheldon….
Sheldon: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.
Penny: I can’t believe I’m doing this. 
Sheldon: No, no, counter-clockwise or my chest hair mats. 
Penny: Sorry. 
Sheldon: Can you sing “Soft Kitty”. 
Penny: What?
Sheldon: My mom used to sing it to me when I was sick.
Penny: I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know it.
Sheldon: I’ll teach you. “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr.” Now you. 
Penny (after a loud sigh): Soft kitty, warm kitty…
Sheldon: Little ball of fur. Keep rubbing. 
Penny (through gritted teeth): Little ball of fur. 
Scene: The living room door, a fibre-optic camera emerges from underneath. We see the scene from its point of view. Cut to outside. Raj is holding a laptop, Howard is feeding the camera under the door. 
Leonard: What do you see, what do you see.
Raj: The living room appears to be empty. 
Leonard: Okay, he must be in his bedroom. My spare glasses are in my bedroom, on my dresser, next to my Bat-signal. 
Howard: I’m not going in there.
Leonard: Raj?
Raj: No way, Jose. 
Leonard: Well I can’t do it, I can’t see anything. 
Howard: It’s all right, wireless mini-cam and Bluetooth headset. We’ll be your eyes. 
Leonard: Fine.
Howard: One more thing. This is a subsonic impact sensor. If Sheldon gets out of bed and starts to walk, this device will register it and send a signal to the laptop. At that point, based on the geography of the apartment and the ambulatory speed of a sick Sheldon, you’ll have seven seconds to get out, glasses or no glasses.
Leonard: Won’t my footsteps set it off? 
Howard: No, you’ll be on your hands and knees. Now you’ll need to get the sensor as close as you can to Sheldon’s room. 
Leonard: Well, how do I carry it if I’m on my hands and knees?
Cut to Leonard entering apartment on hands and knees, carrying the sensor in his teeth. 
Howard: Stay low. Bear left. Now keep true.
Leonard: What? 
Howard: It means go straight.
Leonard: Then just say go straight. 
Howard: You don’t stay go straight when you’re giving bearings, you say keep true. 
Leonard: Alright (Bangs head on a trunk.) I just hit my head. 
Howard: Because you didn’t keep true. (Time shift, Leonard is now outside bedrooms) Okay, turn right. 
Raj: The… the picture’s breaking up. 
Howard: Angle your head to the right. A little more. A little more. (Leonard now has his head at right angles to his body) That’s it, now just keep true. Alright, you’re close enough to Sheldon’s room, deploy the sensor. Now turn it on.
Leonard: It wasn’t on? 
Howard: No.
Leonard: Then why did I have to crawl? 
Howard: Oh, I guess you didn’t. 
Leonard: Okay, it’s on.
Howard: Good. From this point forward you will have to crawl. 
Leonard: I know. 
Howard: Hang on, the sensor’s picking up something, turn your head back. (Camera angle shows a pair of female legs.) 
Penny: You rat bastard. 
Howard (running down stairs with Raj): Told you the sensor would work. 
Leonard: Hi!
Penny: You deliberately stuck me with Sheldon. 
Leonard: Well, I had to, you see what he’s like. 
Sheldon (off): Penny! Penny, I’m hungry. 
Penny: Uh, it’s okay, sweetie, good news, Leonard’s home!
Leonard: No! 
Penny (handing him vaporub): Here you go, good luck, bye.
Leonard: W-wait! 
Sheldon: Leonard, I’m hungry!
Leonard: Wait! Penny! Take me with you! (Runs after her and bumps into pillar. Falls semi-conscious to the floor.  Sheldon appears in his comforter.) 
Sheldon: I want grilled cheese. 
Time shift. Sheldon and Leonard are on the sofa. Sheldon is wrapped in his comforter, Leonard is holding an ice-pack to his head. 
Sheldon: Do you think Penny will come here and take care of us? 
Leonard: I don’t think Penny’s ever coming here again. 
Sheldon: I’m very congested. 
Leonard: Yeah, so?
Sheldon: Can you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labelled mucus.
Leonard: If I stand, I’ll vomit. 
Sheldon: Under the sink, yellow Tupperware bowl. 

Scene: The University cafeteria. 
Sheldon: Here’s the problem with teleportation.
Leonard: Lay it on me. 
Sheldon: Assuming the device could be invented which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location, and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual. You would have destroyed him in one location, and recreated him in another.
Leonard: How about that. 
Sheldon: Personally, I would never use a transporter. Because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.
Leonard: Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon? 
Sheldon: No, he would be exactly the same. 
Leonard: That is a problem. 
Sheldon: So, you see it too.
Dr Gablehouser (arriving): Dr Hofstadter, Dr Cooper. 
Together: Dr Gablehouser.
Gablehouser: Gentlemen, I’d like you to meet Dennis Kim. Dennis is a highly sought after Doctorial candidate and we’re hoping to have him do his graduate work here. 
Leonard: Graduate work, very impressive.
Gablehouser: And he’s only fifteen years old.
Sheldon: Not bad, I myself started graduate school at fourteen.
Dennis: Well, I lost a year while my family was tunnelling out of North Korea. 
Leonard: Advantage Kim. 
Gablehouser: I thought maybe you boys could show Dennis around, let him see why we’re the best physics research facility in the country.
Dennis: I already know you’re not. You don’t have an open science grid computer, or a free electron laser, and the string theory research being done here is nothing but a dead end. 
Sheldon: Excuse me, that is my research, and it is by no means a dead end.
Dennis: Well, obviously you don’t see it yet, but trust me, you will.
Gablehouser: Dennis, we discussed this, we’re in the process of updating our equipment, and we welcome your input on our research goals, and we’ve agreed to look the other way if you want to use up to 20% of the grant money you attract to smuggle your grandfather out of Pyongyang. We want him here boys, make it happen.
Leonard: Yes sir. 
Sheldon: You can count on us, we’re on it. What the hell do you mean, dead end. 
Dennis: I mean, the whole landscape of false vacuums in string theory could be as large as ten to the five-hundredth power. In addition… ooh, look, chocolate milk. 
Sheldon: I sense a disturbance in the force. 
Leonard (in a Yoda voice): A bad feeling I have about this, mmm-hmmm. 
Credits sequence
Scene: A corridor.
Leonard: So, Dennis, how long have you been in America.
Dennis: A year and a half.
Leonard: No kidding, you speak English really well.
Dennis: So do you. Except for your tendency to end sentences with prepositions. 
Leonard: What are you talking about? 
Dennis: That. 
Sheldon: He’s not wrong. Alright, and this is my office.
Dennis: Is this part of the tour? 
Sheldon: Nope. Goodbye. 
Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, we’ve hardly shown him anything.
Sheldon: Oh, alright, this is my desk, these are my books, this is my door, please close it behind you. Goodbye. 
Dennis: Looks like you’re doing work in quantum loop corrections.
Sheldon: Keen observation, goodbye. 
Dennis: You see where you went wrong, don’t you? 
Sheldon: Leonard.
Leonard: Huh, yeah? 
Sheldon: Get him out. 
Leonard: Come on, Dennis, I’ll show you the rec centre, they’ve got nautilus equipment.
Dennis: Do I look like I lift weights. 
Leonard: Not heavy ones. 
Dennis: It’s startling to me you haven’t considered a Lorentz invariant field theory approach.
Sheldon: You think I haven’t considered it? You really think I haven’t considered it? 
Dennis: Have you considered it?
Sheldon: Get him out Leonard.
Leonard: Come on, Dennis, I’ll show you the radiation lab.
Dennis: Wow, you won the Stephenson award.
Sheldon: Yes, in fact I am the youngest person ever to win it. 
Dennis: Really, how old?
Sheldon: Fourteen and a half.
Dennis: You were the youngest person ever to win it. 
Leonard: It’s like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isn’t it? 
Scene: The living room of the apartment.
Penny (to Raj): Mmm, this is really delicious, isn’t it? (Raj looks uncomfortable, then nods.) Still can’t talk to me unless you’re drunk, huh? (Shakes head) Oh, sweetie, you are so damaged. 
Howard: Hey, I’m damaged too. How about a hug for Howie? 
Penny: Sure. Raj, hug Howard. 
Sheldon (dramatically): Uh-uh-uh. 
Leonard: Something you’d like to share? A tale of woe perhaps.
Sheldon: Fifteen years old. Dennis Kim is fifteen years old, and he’s already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to… you know, that other guy.
Howard: Antonio Salieri?
Sheldon: Oh, God, now even you’re smarter than me.
Howard: You know, Sheldon, you don’t have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them. 
Leonard: Just eat, Sheldon, you’ll feel better. 
Sheldon: Why waste food. In Texas when a cow goes dry they don’t keep feeding it, they just take her out and shoot her between the eyes. 
Penny: I’m confused, did Sheldon stop giving milk? 
Leonard: You can’t let this kid get to you. You always knew that someday someone would come along who was younger and smarter.
Sheldon: Yes, but I assumed I would have been dead hundreds of years, and that there would be an asterisk by his name because he would be a cyborg. 
Penny: So, you’ve got a bit of competition, I really don’t see what the big deal is. 
Sheldon: Well of course you don’t, you’ve never excelled at anything. 
Penny: I don’t understand, exactly how did he get any friends in the first place? 
Howard: We liked Leonard.
Leonard: Well, what are you going to do, Sheldon, give up?
Sheldon: Yes. That’s what a rational person does when his entire life’s work is invalidated by a post-pubescent Asian wunderkind. He ceases his fruitless efforts, he donates his body to scientific research, and he waits to die. 
Penny: You know, I’m confused again, is he waiting, or do we get to shoot him between the eyes?
Scene: The same, later that night
Sheldon: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: I’ve decided you’re right. My career is not over. 
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon: But, since the arrival of Dennis Kim has rendered my research pointless, I just have to find something else to focus on.
Leonard: Great.
Sheldon: So I’ve decided, I’m going to collaborate with you.
Leonard: Great. 
Sheldon: What exactly is it you do? I know you chatter on about it all the time, but I’ve never really paid attention.
Leonard: Okay, well, right now I’m designing an experiment to study the soft component of cosmic radiation at sea-level, but I really don’t need any help. 
Sheldon: Oh, sure you do. Now, see, what’s this here in the schematic, is that a laser array?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: No. Hmmm. What happens if you use argon lasers instead of helium neon?
Leonard: It would blow up.
Sheldon: Are you sure? 
Leonard: Pretty sure.
Sheldon: Pretty sure’s not very scientific, is this how you normally work, just hunches and guesses and stuff?
Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I understand that you’re going through a bit of a career crisis, you’re searching for some other area where you can feel valuable and productive but I need to tell you something and I want you to listen carefully. 
Sheldon: Alright.
Leonard: Go away.
Sheldon: If you’re concerned about sharing credit with me, you’re name can go first… I’m going. 
Scene: Howard’s lab.
Howard (into phone): It’s a small brown paper bag, Ma, I’m looking at it right now. (Pause.) Why would I make that up, there’s no ding-dong in it. (Pause.) How are two ding-dongs tomorrow going to help me today? 
Sheldon (entering): So, this is engineering, huh? 
Howard (into phone): I’ll talk to you later. 
Sheldon: Engineering. Where the noble semi-skilled labourers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, oompah-loompahs of science.
Howard: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: I just came by to say hello.
Howard: I’ve been at this lab for three years, you’ve never came by to say hello.
Sheldon: Well, up until now I’ve had better things to do. So, what are we making today? 
Howard: A small payload support structure for a European science experimental package that’s going up on the next space shuttle. 
Sheldon: Really, how does it work?
Howard: When this is done, it will be attached to the payload bay, and the sensor apparatus will rest on it. 
Sheldon: Uh, huh. So it’s a shelf? 
Howard: No, you don’t understand, during acceleration it needs to stay perfectly level and provide… yeah, okay, it’s a shelf. 
Sheldon: Now, I notice you’re using titanium, did you give any consideration to carbon nanotubes, they’re lighter, cheaper and half twice the tensile strength.
Howard: Sheldon, there’s a diploma in my office that says I have a masters in engineering.
Sheldon: And you also have a note from your mother that says I love you, bubbula. But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes. 
Howard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yes.
Howard: Go away. 
Sheldon: Did Leonard tell you to say that? 
Howard: No, I thought of it all by myself. 
Sheldon: Huh. It can’t be a coincidence. There must be some causal link I’m missing.
Scene: Raj is exiting his office.
Raj: Go away. (Sheldon exits)
Sheldon: Curiouser and curiouser. 
Scene: The apartment.
Howard (entering): Is he here? 
Leonard: If he were, I wouldn’t be. 
Raj: Do you know what he did. He watched me work for ten minutes, and then started to design a simple piece of software that could replace me. 
Leonard: Is that even possible?
Raj: As it turns out, yes.
Howard: Something’s got to be done about him, Leonard.
Leonard: Like what? He’ll never be able to cope with the fact that some fifteen year-old kid is smarter and more accomplished than he is. 
Raj: Well, what if something were to happen to this boy so he was no longer a threat to Sheldon?
Howard: Then our problem would be solved. 
Leonard: Hang on, are we talking about murdering Dennis Kim? I’m not saying no. 
Howard: We don’t have to go that far, there are other means available.
Raj: We can’t send him back to North Korea. He knows how to get out. 
Howard: The only thing we need to do is make this Kim kid lose his focus.
Leonard: That won’t happen, he’s not interested in anything but physics.
Howard: What about biology? 
Leonard: What?
Howard: You know, biology? The one thing that can completely derail a world class mind. 
Leonard: Howard, he’s fifteen.
Howard: Yeah, so, when I was fifteen I met Denise Polmerry and my grade point average fell from a 5.0 to a 1.8. 
Raj: She was sleeping with you?
Howard: No, I just wasted a lot of time thinking about what it would be like if she did. 
Sheldon (entering): Oh, good, you’re all here. Look, I’ve decided that if the three of you drop whatever it is you’re working on and join me, we could lick cold fusion in less than a decade, twelve years tops. (They stare at him.) Go away? (They nod) Hmm. Could it be me? 
Scene: Outside Penny’s apartment. 
Penny (opening door): Oh, hey guys, what’s up?
Howard: We need a hot fifteen year-old Asian girl with a thing for smart guys. 
Penny: What?
Leonard: Howard, that’s racist, any fifteen year-old girl will do the trick. (Penny slams door.)
Raj: It’s possible she may have misunderstood us. 
Scene: Sheldon’s office. He is making measurements on maps. There is a knock on the door. 
Gablehouser (entering): Dr Cooper? Oh, are we interrupting?
Sheldon: No, no, please, come in. Yeah, I think you’ll appreciate this, very exciting.
Gablehouser: Oh, what are you working on?
Sheldon: Something remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, thank you very much, I’ve decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look, I’m going to solve the Middle-East Crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert. 
Gablehouser: To what end?
Sheldon: You know, it’s like the baseball movie, build it and they will come. 
Gablehouser: Who will come?
Sheldon: The Jewish people.
Gablehouser: What if they don’t come.
Sheldon: We’ll make it nice, put out a spread. 
Gablehouser: Okay, well, um, speaking of spreads, we’re having a small welcoming party this afternoon for Mr Kim, who’s agreed to join us here at the University.
Sheldon: Of course he has, the oracle told us little Neo was the one. You can see the Matrix, can’t you.
Gablehouser: Okay, well, uh, obviously you’re very busy with your… uh, um, come Dennis. You’ll have to excuse Dr Cooper, he’s been under a lot of… um… he’s nuts. 
Sheldon (voice off, sings to a Mexican tune): Ah, la-la-la, Hava Nagila. They’ll come, they’ll settle and I’ll win the prize…
Scene: The welcoming party
Sheldon: I really don’t understand your objections, Professor Goldfarb, why wouldn’t the Senoran Desert make a perfectly good promised land?
Goldfarb: Go away. 
Sheldon: We could call it Nuevo Cherusalem. 
Goldfarb: Please go away. 
Sheldon: Said Pharoah to Moses. 
Gablehouser: Why are all these young women here?
Leonard: It’s take your daughter to work day. 
Gablehouser: Really, I was not aware of that. 
Raj: Oh, yes. There was a very official email that was sent to everyone whose insurance files indicated they had daughters between the ages of 14 and 16. 
Gablehouser: Hm?
Howard: Smooth.
Raj: Thank you. 
Gablehouser: There’s the man of the hour. 
Leonard: Okay, so we now have a socially awkward genius in a room full of attractive age-appropriate women. 
Howard: All he has to do now is hook up with one of them. (The look at Dennis, who is picking his ear.)
Leonard: Does anyone else see the flaw in this plan?
Raj: We need a social catalyst.
Leonard: Like what? We can’t get fifteen year-old girls drunk.  
Howard: Or can we?
Leonard: No, we can’t. 
Howard: I don’t think you mean we can’t. I think you mean we shouldn’t. 
Sheldon: Hey, Howard. You’re a Jew. If there was another wailing wall, exactly like the one in Jerusalem, but close to taco stands and cheap prescription drugs, would you still be able to wail at it? Okay, it’s definitely me. 
Leonard: Okay, we cannot leave this to chance, lets pick a girl, and figure out how to get her together with Dennis. 
Raj: Okay. How about that one.
Howard: Uh-uh. I know the type, cheerleader, student council, goes out with jocks, won’t even look at anybody in the gifted programme. And if, after two years of begging, she does agree to go out with you, it turns out to be a set-up and you’re in the back seat of your mom’s car with your pants off while the whole football team laughs at you.
Raj: Are you crying?
Howard: No, I have allergies. 
Raj: Okay, uh, how about her? 
Leonard: Sure. If he wants to spend a couple of years doing her homework while she drinks herself into a stupor with non-fat White Russians, while you’re the one holding her head out of the toilet while she’s puking and telling you she wishes more guys were like you, and they she gets into Cornell because you wrote her essay for her, and you drive up to visit her one weekend and she acts like she doesn’t even know you. 
Raj: Okay, so not her either. How about her?
Howard: Interesting, kind of pretty, a little chubby so probably low self-esteem. 
Leonard: I think that’s our girl. One of us should go talk to her. 
Raj: I can’t talk to her, you do it. 
Leonard: I can’t just go up and talk to her. Howard, you talk to her. 
Howard: Oh no, she’ll never go for the kid once she gets a peek at this. 
Raj: You know, if we were in India this would be simpler. Five minutes with her dad, twenty goats and a laptop and we’d be done.
Leonard: Well, we’re not in India. 
Raj: Alright, why don’t we do it your way then? We’ll arrange for this girl to move in across the hall from Dennis so he can pathetically moon over her for months on end.
Leonard: Okay, that was uncalled for.
Raj: You started it, dude. 
Gablehouser: Could I have everyone’s attention please. What a wonderful occasion this is. And how fortunate that it should happen to fall on take your daughter to work day. We’re here to welcome Mr Dennis Kim to our little family.
Sheldon (sarcastically): Welcome Dennis Kim. 
Gablehouser: Mr Kim was not only the valedictorian at Stamford University, he is also the youngest recipient of the prestigious Stephenson Award.
Sheldon: Youngest till the cyborgs rise up! 
Gablehouser: And now, without any further ado, let me introduce the man of the hour, Mr Dennis Kim. Dennis! Dennis!
Dennis: What? 
Gablehouser: Would you like to tell us a little bit about your upcoming research.
Dennis: Um, no thanks. I’m going to the mall with Emma. 
Gablehouser: Well, uh, well, uh….
Leonard: The kid got a girl. 
Raj: Unbelievable.
Howard: Did anyone see how he did it?
Sheldon (to Gablehouser): Don’t worry, I’ve got this. Ladies and Gentlemen, honoured daughters. While Mr Kim, by virtue of his youth and naivety, has fallen prey to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted, and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me. Thank you. 
Howard: He’s back.
Leonard: Yeah, mission accomplished. 
Raj: Forget the mission, how did that little yutz get a girl on his own?
Howard: I guess times have changed since we were young. Smart is the new sexy. 
Leonard: Well, why do we go home alone every night, we’re still smart. 
Raj: Maybe we’re too smart. So smart it’s offputting. 
Howard: Yeah, let’s go with that. 
Scene: The park. The four guys are carrying remote control rockets.
Howard: Unbelievable. Components I built are on the International Space Station, and I get a ticket for launching a model rocket in the park. 
Leonard: I don’t know if the ticket was so much for the launch as it was for you telling the policewoman “you have to frisk me, I have a rocket in my pants.”
Raj: Hey, look at that. (There is a group of youngsters on the grass, laying about. One is playing a guitar. Dennis Kim is among them. He is drinking something from a bottle in a brown paper bag.) It’s Dennis Kim.
Howard: Wow, I almost didn’t recognise him.
Raj: You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him. (Dennis is now snogging the face off Emma)
Leonard: Yeah, we really ruined his life. 
Sheldon: Screw him, he was weak. 

Scene: The apartment. Howard is looking at his mobile phone.
Howard: Ooh, more details about the new Star Trek film. There’s going to be a scene depicting Spock’s birth. 
Raj: I’d be more interested in a scene depicting Spock’s conception. 
Sheldon: Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating, or, if you will, Pon Farr, it’s an extremely private matter.
Leonard: Still, I’d like to know the details. His mother was human, his father was Vulcan, they couldn’t just conceive.
Howard: Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Imagine Spock’s dad in a little room with a copy of pointy ears and shapely rears.
Raj: How come on Star Trek everybody’s private parts are the same. No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk, hey, get your thing out of my nose. 
Penny (entering): Hi, can you help me, I was writing an email and the A key got stuck. Now it’s just going “aaaaaaa”.
Leonard: What did you spill on it?
Penny: Nothing. Diet coke. And yoghurt. A little nail polish. 
Leonard: I’ll take a look at it. 
Howard: Gentlemen, switching to local nerd news. Fishman, Chen, Chowdry, McNair aren’t fielding a team in the university physics bowl this year. 
Leonard: You’re kidding, why not?
Howard: They formed a barbershop quartet, and got a gig playing Knotsbury Farm. 
Penny: Wow, so in your world, you’re like, the cool guys. 
Howard: Recognise. 
Leonard: This is our year! With those guys out, the entire physics bowl will kneel before Zod. 
Penny: Zod?
Howard: Kryptonian villain. Long story.
Raj: Good story. (Clasps hands to mouth in shock.) 
Sheldon: Well count me out.
Howard: What? Why?
Sheldon: You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish? 
Leonard: Come on, you need a four person team, we’re four people. 
Sheldon: By that reasoning we should also play bridge, hold up a chuppah and enter the Olympic bobsled competition.
Penny: I want tickets to that please. 
Leonard: Sheldon, what, do I need to quote Spock’s dying words to you.
Sheldon: No, don’t. 
Leonard: The needs of the many.
Howard: Outweigh the needs of the few. 
Sheldon: Or the one. Dammit, I’ll do it. 
Credits sequence
Scene: The cafeteria.
Raj: Okay. First order of physics bowl business. We need a truly kick-ass team name. Suggestions.
Howard: How about the perpetual motion squad? It’s beyond the laws of physics, plus a little heads up for the ladies. 
Leonard: The ladies?
Howard: Perpetual motion squad, we can go all night.
Raj: I like it.
Sheldon: I don’t. Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating ones opponent.
Raj: Then we can be the Bengal Tigers.
Sheldon: Poor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant. 
Raj: Maybe so. But you can’t incinerate a Bengal Tiger with a magnifying glass. 
Leonard: Let’s put it to a vote. All those in favour….
Sheldon: Point of order. I move that any vote on team names should be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with the bengal tiger, when common sense dictates it should be an army ant. 
Leonard: Will the gentleman from the great state of denial yield for a question? 
Sheldon: I will yield.
Leonard: After we go through the exercise of an annoying series of votes, all of which the gentleman will lose, does he then intend to threaten to quit if he does not get his way?
Sheldon: He does. 
Leonard: I move we are the Army Ants, all those in favour?
Scene: The apartment.
Penny: Good afternoon, and welcome to today’s physics bowl practice round. I’m Penny, and I’ll be your host, because apparently I didn’t have anything else to do on a Saturday afternoon, and isn’t that just a little sad? Gentlemen, are you ready?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Of course. 
Howard: Fire away. (Raj puts his thumb up.)
Penny: You know, it’s none of my business, but isn’t a guy who can’t speak in front of women going to hold you back a little?
Leonard: Oh, uh, he’ll be okay once the women are mixed into the crowd. He only has a problem when they’re one on one and smell nice.
Penny: Oh, thanks Raj, it’s vanilla oil.
Leonard: I was actually the one who noticed, okay, let’s just start. 
Penny: Okay, the first question is on the topic of optics. What is the shortest light pulse ever produced? Dr Cooper.
Sheldon: And of course, the answer is 130 adoseconds.
Penny: That is correct.
Leonard: I knew that too.
Penny: Good for you, sweetie. Okay, next question. What is the quantum mechanical effect used to encode data on hard disk drives? Howard.
Sheldon: And of course, the answer is giant magneto resistance.
Penny: Right. 
Howard: Hey, I buzzed in. 
Sheldon: But I answered, it’s called teamwork. 
Howard: Don’t you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer.
Sheldon: By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I’m a mammal.  
Leonard: Just ask another one.
Penny: Okay. What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einsteins predicted frame dragging? (Raj buzzes.)
Sheldon: And of course it’s Gravity Probe B.
Leonard: Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer. 
Sheldon: Why? 
Penny: Because it’s polite.
Sheldon: What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?
Penny: Leonard, you said I only had to ask questions. 
Sheldon: The objective of the competition is to give correct answers, if I know them, why shouldn’t I give them? 
Howard: Some of us might have the correct answers too. 
Sheldon: Oh please, you don’t even have a PhD. 
Howard: Alright, that’s it.
Leonard: Howard, sit down.
Howard: Okay. 
Leonard: maybe we should take a little break.
Sheldon: Good idea, I need my wrist brace, all this button pushing is aggravating my old Nintendo injury. 
Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): I agree.
Penny: What did he say? 
Howard: He compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a summer’s eve. 
Penny: Yeah, and the bag it came in. 
Scene: The same, later. Sheldon is on his laptop. Leonard enters.
Sheldon: Leonard, excellent, I want to show you something.
Leonard: Can it wait, I need to talk to you.
Sheldon: Just look. I’ve designed the perfect uniforms for our team. The colours are based on Star Trek, the original series. The three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold. 
Leonard: Why do they say AA? 
Sheldon: Army Ants. 
Leonard: Isn’t that confusing? AA might mean something else to certain people. 
Sheldon: Why would a physics bowl team be called anodised aluminium?
Leonard: No, I meant…. never mind. Hey, check it out. I got you a Batman cookie jar!
Sheldon: Oh neat, what’s the occasion?
Leonard: Well, you’re a friend, and you like Batman, and cookies, and you’re off the team. 
Sheldon: What?
Leonard: Howard, Raj and I just had a team meeting. 
Sheldon: No you didn’t.
Leonard: Yes we did, I just came from it.
Sheldon: Okay, I don’t know where you just came from, but it couldn’t have been a team meeting because I’m on the team and I wasn’t there, ergo the team did not meet. 
Leonard: Okay, let me try it this way, uh, I was at a coffee klatch with a couple of friends and one thing led to another and it turns out you’re off the team. 
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: Because you’re taking all the fun out of it.
Sheldon: Well, I’m sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun?
Leonard: Okay, let me try it this way, you’re annoying and no-one wants to play with you any more. 
Sheldon: I see. Well. At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.
Leonard: Thanks for the heads up. 
Sheldon: You’re welcome. One more thing.
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: It’s on, bitch. 
Scene: The cafeteria. 
Howard: So who’d he get to be on his team.
Leonard: He won’t say. He just smiles, and eats macaroons out of his bat jar. 
Raj: He’s using psychological warfare. We must reply in kind. I say we wait until he looks at us, then laugh like, yes, you are a smart and strong competitor, but we are also smart and strong and we have a reasonable chance of defeating you. 
Leonard: How exactly would that laugh go? 
Raj: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!
Howard: That sounds more like, we are a tall thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your Dalmatians. 
Leonard: Guys, let’s remember that Sheldon is still our friend and my room mate.
Howard: So?
Leonard: So nothing, let’s destroy him. 
Sheldon (walking past): Gentlemen.
Raj: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!
Howard: Okay, we’re going to need a strong fourth for our team.
Raj: You know who’s apparently very smart, is the girl who played TV’s Blossom. She got a PhD in neuroscience or something. 
Leonard: Raj, we’re not getting TV’s Blossom to join our physics bowl team. 
Raj: How about the girl from the Wonder Years? 
Howard: Gentlemen, I believe I’ve found the solution to all our problems. 
Leonard: We can’t ask Leslie Winkle.
Raj: Why? Because you slept together and when she was done with you she discarded you like last night’s chutney? 
Leonard: Yes. 
Howard: Sometimes you’ve got to take one for the team.
Raj: Yeah. Sack up, dude. 
Leonard: Fine. Here I go, taking one for the team. In the sack. Hey Leslie.
Leslie: Hi guys.
Leonard: Leslie, I have a question for you, and it might be a little awkward, you know, given that I…
Howard: Hit that thang. 
Leslie: Leonard, there’s no reason to feel uncomfortable just because we’ve seen each other’s faces and naked bodies contorted in the sweet agony of coitus. 
Leonard: There’s not? Gee, cos it sure sounds like there should be. 
Leslie: Rest assured that any aspects of our sexual relationship regarding your preferences, your idiosyncrasies, your performance, are still protected by the inherent confidentiality of the bedroom.
Leonard: That’s all very comforting, but if it’s okay, I’d like to get on with my question now.
Leslie: Proceed.
Leonard: We are entering the physics bowl and we need a fourth for our team.
Leslie: No thanks, I’m really busy with my like sign dilepton super symmetry search.
Howard: Dilepton, schmilepton, we need you. 
Leslie: Sorry. 
Howard: Well, we tried. Just have to face Sheldon mano-e-mano-e-mano. A-mano. 
Leslie: Wait, you’re going up against Sheldon Cooper? 
Howard: Yes.
Leslie: That arrogant, misogynistic East-Texas doorknob that told me I should abandon my work with high energy particles for laundry and child bearing? 
Leonard: She’s in. 
Scene: The Physics Bowl.
Penny: So, how do you feel? Nice and loose? Come to play? Got your game face on? (The guys look confused.) Are you ready?
Leonard: Oh, yeah. You know you don’t have to stay for the whole thing. 
Penny: Oh, no, no, I want to. It sounds really interesting. 
Sheldon (entering in his Star Trek themed shirt): Gentlemen.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Howard: Sheldon. 
Raj: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.
Penny: Sheldon. I’m just going to sit down. 
Leonard: So, is that your team.
Sheldon: Actually, I don’t need a team, I could easily defeat you single-handedly. But the rules require four, so may I introduce, the third floor janitor, he lady from the lunchroom, and, my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS Sinking Ship?
Leslie: Hello, Sheldon. 
Sheldon: Leslie Winkle? 
Leslie: Yeah, Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question, who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl? 
Sheldon: Yes, well, I’m polymerised tree sap and you’re non-organic adhesive so, whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory, and adheres to you. 
Leslie: Oh, ouch. 
Dr Gablehouser: Okay, if everyone could please take your seats. 
Leonard: Here’s your tee-shirt. (Hands her a tee-shirt with PMS on it. Takes jacket off to reveal similar.) 
Leslie: PMS? It’s a couple of days early, but…
Leonard: No, it stands for Perpetual Motion Squad. 
Leslie: Oh, right, of course, what was I thinking? 
Gablehouser: Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to this year’s physics bowl. Today’s preliminary match features two great teams… AA versus PMS. 
Howard: All night long, y’all! (Stands and turns round to reveal the back of the tee-shirt which reads “We Can Go All Night”.)
Gablehouser: Okay, well let’s jump right in, first question, for ten points. What is the isospan singlet partner of the Pi Zero Meson? (Buzz) PMS?
Leonard: The Eta Meson.
Gablehouser: Correct. 
Sheldon: Formal protest.
Gablehouser: On what grounds?
Sheldon: The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.
Gablehouser: Denied. Alright, for ten points, what is the lightest element on earth with no stable isotope. (Buzz) AA?
Sheldon: And of course, the answer is Technetium.
Gablehouser: Terrific. Next question, what is the force between two uncharged plates due to quantum vacuum fluctuation. (Buzz) PMS?
Raj: Sheldon can suck on, the Casimir Effect.
Gablehouser: Correct. 
(Time shift) 
Gablehouser: How does a quantum computer factor large numbers. (Buzz) PMS?
Leslie: Shor’s Algorithm.
Gablehouser: Correct. 
(Time shift)
Sheldon: 4.1855 times ten to the seventh ergs per calorie.
 (Time shift)
Leonard: Prevost’s theory of exchanges. 
(Time shift)
Sheldon: Lamda equals one over Pi R squared N 
(Time shift)
Howard: 760 degrees celsius, the approximate temperature of the young lady in the front row.
Gablehouser: Mr Wolowitz, this is your second warning. 
(Time shift)
Sheldon: A sigma particle.
(Time shift)
Leslie: Yes, assuming the hypothetical planet has a mass greater than the earth.
Gablehouser: Correct. Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand the final question. The score now stands AA 1150, PMS 1175. So, for one hundred points, and the match, please turn your attention to the formula on the screens. Solve the equation. 
Raj: Holy crap. 
Leonard: What the hell is that.
Howard: It looks like something they found on the ship at Roswell. 
Leonard: Come on, think, Leslie.
Leslie: Leonard, it’s not going to work if you rush me, you have to let me get there.
Leonard: You’re never going to let that go, are you? 
Gablehouser: Ten seconds. (Buzz) PMS.
Leonard: Sorry, I panicked. 
Howard: Then guess.
Leonard: Um, eight. (Gablehouser stares at him.) Point four. 
Gablehouser: I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. AA, if you can answer correctly, the match is yours. 
Howard: He doesn’t have it. He’s got squat.
(Sheldon looks more and more uncomfortable, so much he is involuntarily twitching.)
Gablehouser: AA, I need your answer. (Buzz)
Third Floor Janitor: The answer is minus eight by alpha. 
Sheldon: Hang on, hang on a second, that’s not our answer. What are you doing?
Third Floor Janitor: Answering question. Winning physics bowl. 
Sheldon: How do you know anything about physics?
Third Floor Janitor: Here I am janitor, in former Soviet Union I am physicist. Leningrad Politechnica. Go Polar Bears. 
Sheldon: Well that’s a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything, I answer the questions.
Third Floor Janitor: You didn’t answer question.
Sheldon: Hey look, now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team I rule with an iron fist. (Makes fist in the air). Ow!
Gablehouser: AA, I need your official answer.
Sheldon: Well it’s not what he said.
Gablehouser: Then what is it? 
Sheldon: I want a different question.
Gablehouser: You can’t have a different question. 
Sheldon: Formal protest.
Gablehouser: Denied.
Sheldon: Informal protest.
Gablehouser: Denied. I need your official answer.
Sheldon: No. I decline to provide one.
Gablehouser: Well, that’s too bad, because the answer your teammate gave was correct. 
Sheldon: That’s your opinion.
Gablehouser: Alright, the winner of the match is…
Leonard: Hang on. Sheldon, is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team. 
Sheldon: I don’t understand the question. 
Leonard: Go ahead.
Gablehouser: The winner is PMS! 
(We Are The Champions by Queen plays as the team celebrate in slow motion and Sheldon puts his head in his hands. The celebration ends with Howard on his knees ripping his shirt in half and waving it round his head before throwing it to the audience.)
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon goes to sit in his spot.
Leonard: Sorry, somebody’s sitting there.
Sheldon: Who?
Leonard: My Physics Bowl Trophy! 
Sheldon: That trophy is meaningless, I forfeited, therefore you did not win. 
Leonard: I know someone who would disagree.
Sheldon: Who?
Leonard: My Physics Bowl Trophy! (In weird voice) “Leonard is so smart, Sheldon who?”
Sheldon: Alright that is very immature.
Leonard: You’re right, I’m sorry. (In voice, waving trophy in Sheldon’s face) I’m not! 
Penny (entering): Okay, new contest. 
Leonard: What are you doing?
Penny: I’m settling once and for all who is the smartest around here. Okay, are you ready?
Sheldon: Absolutely.
Leonard: Bring it on.
Penny: Okay. Marsha, Jan and Cindy were the three daughters of what TV family? (They stare at her.) The Brady Bunch. Okay, Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth as the lead singer in what group?
Sheldon (after they look at each other in confusion): The Brady Bunch? 
Penny: Van Halen. Alright, Madonna was married to this Ridgemont High alum. (Pause) Oh my God, Sean Penn!
Leonard: How do you know these things?
Penny: I go outside and I talk to people. Alright, here, what actor holds the record for being named people magazine’s sexiest man alive?
Sheldon: William Shatner.
Leonard: Wait, I don’t think it’s Shatner.
Sheldon: Then it’s got to be Patrick Stewart. 
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Formal protest. 
Penny: Alright, singer who sang “Oops I Did It Again.” (Sheldon starts involuntarily twitching again.) Okay, Tweetie Bird, taught he taw a what?
Sheldon (after they pass a smug look between each other): Romulan.
Penny: Yes. He taught he taw a Romulan. 
(Sheldon and Leonard do a victory hand slide.)  

Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon: Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and swiss on wholewheat.
Raj: What did they give you?
Sheldon: Turkey and roast beef with swiss and lettuce on wholewheat. It’s the right ingredients but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash. 
Leonard: I don’t believe it.
Sheldon: I know, it’s basic culinary science. 
Leonard: Some guy is auctioning off a miniature time machine prop from the original film and no-one is bidding on it. 
Howard: A time machine from the movie The Time Machine? 
Leonard: No, a time machine from Sophie’s Choice. 
Raj: Boy, Sophie could have used a time machine in that movie. Did you see it, it’s rough. 
Howard: Oh, that’s cool.
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Raj: It’s only $800?
Leonard: Yeah. And that’s my bid.
Sheldon: You bid $800.
Leonard: It was a spur of the moment thing, I figured it would go for thousands and I just wanted to be a part of it. 
Sheldon: There’s only 30 seconds left in the auction.
Howard: Do you have $800?
Leonard: Not to blow on a miniature time machine. 
Howard: Don’t worry, the way these things work there’s people waiting ‘til the last second to bid, and then they swoop in and get it, it’s called sniping.
Raj: Fifteen seconds.
Leonard: Come on, snipers. 
Raj: Ten, nine, eight…
Leonard: Where are your snipers?
Raj: Five.
Leonard: Snipe.
Raj: Four.
Leonard: Snipe. 
Raj: Three.
Leonard: Snipe!
Raj: Two.
Leonard: SNIPE!
Raj: One.
Leonard: Aaaa-aw! 
Raj: Congratulations, you are the proud owner of a miniature time machine.
Howard: You lucky duck. 
Sheldon: I wonder why no-one else bid, this is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia. 
Leonard: Yeah, I know, I still can’t afford it. 
Howard: Why don’t we share it? We’ll each put in two hundred bucks and we’ll take turns having it in our homes.
Raj: A time share time machine? I’m in. Sheldon?
Sheldon: Need you ask? But I still don’t understand why no-one else bid. 
Scene: The lobby. The guys stand around a full sized time machine. 
Sheldon: I understand why no-one else bid. 
Credits sequence
Scene: The same
Raj: Did the listing actually say miniature?
Leonard: I just assumed. Who sells a full sized time machine for $800?
Sheldon: In a venn diagram, that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets “no longer want my time machine” and “need $800”.
Howard: It’s actually a tremendous bargain, even with shipping it works out to less than four dollars a pound. 
Raj: Cocktain shrimp are $12.50.
Leonard: How are we going to get it upstairs? 
Howard: If we take the dish off it might fit in the elevator. 
Leonard: Yes but the elevator’s been broken for two years. 
Sheldon: I’ve been meaning to ask you, do you think we should make a call about that? 
Howard: Not necessary, I have a masters in engineering, I remotely repair satellites on a regular basis. I troubleshoot space shuttle payloads. When the Mars rover started pulling to the left I performed a front end alignment from 62 million miles away. (Presses lift button. Nothing happens.) No, that baby’s broken. 
Scene: The stairwell, approaching the apartment door. Leonard and Sheldon are pulling the time machine up the last part of the stairs.
Leonard: Come on, guys, push. 
Howard (off): If I push any harder I’m going to give birth to my colon. 
Raj (off): I can’t feel my fingers, hurry up. 
Sheldon: It’s the same amount of work no matter how fast you go, basic physics.
Raj: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yeah. 
Raj: If my fingers ever work again, I’ve got a job for the middle one. 
Penny (coming out of her apartment): Oh, hey guys.
Leonard (letting go of time machine, as does Sheldon): Uh, hi Penny. (Raj and Howard are heard to scream as the time machine slides back down the stairs.) Take a break, guys! 
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: Oh, just, you know, moving… something upstairs. 
Penny: What is it?
Leonard: It’s… you know, time machine. 
Penny: Yeah, okay, neat, but I really got to get to work, so….
Leonard: Uh, just give us a few minutes.
Penny: I don’t have a few minutes, I’m running really late.
Sheldon: Then I have a simple solution, go up to the roof, hop over to the next building, there’s a small gap, don’t look down if you’re subject to vertigo, and use their stairwell. 
Penny: You’re joking, right?
Sheldon: Oh, I never joke when it comes to vertigo. 
Penny: Damn, okay, I’ll just take the roof. 
Leonard: Hey, if you wait for us to set up the time machine, I can drop you off at work yesterday. Time travel joke, it’s not… never mind. 
Sheldon: For what it’s worth, I thought it was humorous. 
Leonard: Let’s just do this. Guys, ready to push?
Raj: In a minute. Howard stepped outside to throw up. 
Scene: The living room. The time machine is set up.
Sheldon: I don’t know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room.
Leonard: Yeah. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned. 
Sheldon: The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, which society had splintered into two factions, the sub-terranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface dwelling Eloy. 
Howard: Talk about your chick magnets. 
Raj: Oh yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony. But wait until I tell him, I’ve got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your speedos, Jacuzzi Bob!
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I know we said we’d take turns, but I think you’d agree that practicality dictates it remain here. 
Howard: You can’t just keep it here, what if I meet a girl and say, “you wanna come up and see my time machine, it’s at my friends house,” how lame is that? 
Raj: He’s got a point.
Sheldon: Alright, I think we’re going to need some ground rules, in addition to the expected no shoes in the time machine and no eating in the time machine, I propose that we add pants must be worn at all times in the time machine. 
Leonard: Seconded. 
Howard: I was going to put down a towel. 
Raj: I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bi-monthly basis. 
Leonard: That sounds fair.
Sheldon: Hold on. Bi-monthly is an ambiguous term, do you mean move it every other month, or twice a month? 
Raj: Twice a month.
Sheldon: Then no. 
Raj: Okay, every other month.
Sheldon: No. 
Leonard: Sheldon, you can’t be selfish, we all paid for it, so it belongs to all of us. Now out of the way so I can sit in my time machine. (Sits and turns it on. The three lights on the front illuminate. All let out an “oh”.) Okay, I am setting the dials for March 10th, 1876. 
Howard: Good choice, Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr Watson.
Sheldon: Wait a minute, I’d want to see that too. 
Leonard: So, when it’s your turn you can.
Sheldon: But if we all go back to the same point in time, Bell’s lab is going to get very crowded, he’ll know something’s up. 
Raj: Also, since the time machine doesn’t move in space, you’ll end up in 1876 Pasadena. 
Howard: And even if you can make it to Boston, what are you going to do, knock on the door and say to Mrs Bell, “hey Mrs Bell, big fan of your husband, can I come in and watch him invent the telephone?”
Raj: Mrs Bell was deaf, she’s not even going to hear you knock. 
Sheldon: Oh, I have a solution, first go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.
Raj: Ooh, how far into the future?
Sheldon: If I remember correctly, Captain Kirk will steal a cloaking device from the Romulans on Stardate 5027.3, which will be January 10th 2328 by pre-federation reckoning.
Leonard: Okay, I am setting the dials for January 10th, 2328. Here we go into the future. (Pulls lever, the disk begins to spin. The other guys all run around the flat as if moving in fast motion.) That was fun. 
Raj: My turn.
Penny (entering): Okay, first of all, what you call a gap was nearly three feet wide, I slipped and skinned my knee.
Leonard: Are you okay?
Penny: Zzz-zz-zz-zz! Second of all, the door to the stairwell of the other building was locked, so I had to go down the fire escape which ends on the third floor, forcing me to crawl through the window of a lovely Armenian family, who insisted I stay for lunch. 
Leonard: That doesn’t sound too bad.
Penny: It was eight courses of lamb, and they tried to fix me up with their son.
Leonard: Sorry.
Penny: Not done. By the time I finally got to work, they’d given my shift away. Yeah, that’s right, I’ve lost an entire day’s pay thanks to this… this…
Sheldon: Time machine. 
Leonard: The lights flash and the dish spins, you wanna try it?
Penny: No! I don’t want to try it, my God, you are grown men, how could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes and comic books and… and now that… that…
Sheldon: Again, time machine. 
Penny: Oh please, it’s not a time machine, if anything it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
Sheldon: It only moves in time. It would be worse than useless in a swamp. 
Penny: Pathetic. All of you, completely pathetic. (Storms out. A beat, and then…) 
Raj: My turn! 
Scene: Later that night, Leonard is sitting in the time machine, turning the lights on and off. Sheldon enters.
Sheldon: Leonard, it’s two in the morning. 
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So it’s my turn. Why did you set it for the day before yesterday?
Leonard: Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.
Sheldon: You can’t. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake. 
Leonard: Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?
Sheldon: Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious. 
Leonard: What if I knocked you unconscious right now? 
Sheldon: It won’t change the past. 
Leonard: But it would make the present so much nicer. 
Sheldon: Are you upset about something? 
Leonard: What was your first clue?
Sheldon: Well, it was a number of things. First the late hour, then your demeanour seems very low energy, plus your irritability…
Leonard: Yes I’m upset. 
Sheldon: Oh! I don’t usually pick up on those things. Good for me. 
Leonard: Yeah, good for you. 
Sheldon: Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what’s bothering you? 
Leonard: I don’t know. Maybe.
Sheldon: Wow, I’m on fire tonight. 
Leonard: Uh, here’s the thing. Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines. 
Sheldon: I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.
Leonard: Thanks for pointing it out.
Sheldon: In addition, your premise is flawed. In the original film, Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimeaux with that very time machine. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly got the opportunity to hook up with his extremely attractive young mother. 
Leonard: Those are movies.
Sheldon: Well of course they’re movies. Were you expecting me to come up with an example involving a real life time machine? That’s absurd. 
Scene: The stairwell. It is the previous day, and again Leonard and Sheldon are pulling the time machine up the stairs.
Leonard: Come on, guys, push. 
Howard (off): If I push any harder I’m going to give birth to my colon. 
Penny (coming out of her apartment): Oh, hey guys.
Leonard (letting go of time machine, as does Sheldon): Uh, hi Penny. (Raj and Howard are heard to scream as the time machine slides back down the stairs.) Take a break, guys! 
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: Oh, just, you know, moving a… time machine. 
Penny: Yeah, okay, neat, but I really got to get to work, so….
Leonard: No problem. (Removes glasses, pulls down out of order tape from lift doors, and forces them open.) Hang on. (Takes Penny in his arms as he holds onto the lift cable.)
Penny: But, what about your time machine.
Leonard: Some things are more important than toys. (She puts her arms around his neck as he dangles from the cable.)
Penny: Oh, I’m scared. 
Leonard: Don’t worry baby, I’ve got you.
Penny: Oh, Leonard. (Kisses him as they descend from view. Leonard wakes up still sitting in the time machine.)
Sheldon: It’s still my turn.
Scene: The living room. 
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Leonard: I’m packing up all my collectibles and taking them down to the comic book store to sell. 
Sheldon: Well is that really necessary. If you need money you can always sell blood. And semen. 
Leonard: It’s not about money.
Raj (entering): We brought food.
Howard: Lox and bagels, the breakfast of time travellers.
Leonard: Terrific, does anyone want to buy my share of the time machine?
Raj: Why?
Leonard: Because I don’t want it any more. 
Howard: Why?
Leonard: Just… personal reasons. 
Sheldon: My spidey-sense tells me this has something to do with Penny. 
Leonard: Look, do you want to buy me out or not?
Raj: I’ll give you a hundred dollars, which will make me half owner, and we’ll put it on my balcony. 
Howard: Screw his balcony, I’ll give you a hundred and twenty and we’ll put it in my garage. 
Leonard: I paid two hundred dollars for my share.
Raj: Dude, everyone knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot.
Sheldon: I’ll go for two hundred, that time machine stays right where it is. 
Raj: Three hundred, and I’ll throw in my original 1979 Mattel Millenium Falcon with real light speed sound effects. 
Leonard: No, no more toys or action figures or props or replicas or costumes or robots or Darth Vader voice changers, I’m getting rid of all of it. 
Howard: You can’t do that, look what you’ve created here, it’s like nerdvana. 
Raj: More importantly, you’ve a Darth Vader voice changer? 
Leonard: Not for long.
Raj: Oh, I call dibs on the Golden Age Flash.
Howard: Hang on, I need that to complete my Justice Society of America collection.
Raj: Too bad, I called dibs.
Howard: Well you can’t just call dibs.
Raj: I can and I did, look up dibs on Wikipedia.
Sheldon: Dibs doesn’t apply in a bidding war. 
Leonard: It’s not a bidding war, I’m selling it all to Larry down at the comic book store. 
Raj: Why Larry? Did Larry call dibs? 
Howard: Will you forget dibs! 
Leonard: He offered me a fair price for the whole collection.
Sheldon: What’s the number, I’ll match it. 
Raj: I’ll match it, plus a thousand rupees. 
Sheldon: What’s the exchange rate.
Raj: None of your business. Take it or leave it.
Howard (on phone): Mom, my bar-mizvah bonds, how much do I got? Thanks. I can go twenty six hundred dollars and two trees in Israel. 
Leonard: Forget it guys, if I sell to one of you, the other two are going to be really mad at me.
Sheldon: Who cares, as long as you pick me. 
Raj: Okay, Leonard, put down the box, let’s talk.
Leonard: Sorry Raj, my mind is made up.
Sheldon (moving to block his path): No. I can’t let you do this. 
Leonard: Sheldon, get out of my way.
Sheldon (brandishing toy sword from Leonard’s box): None shall pass. 
Leonard: Okay. I did not want to do this but, I have here the rare mint condition production error Star Trek: The Next Generation Geordi LaForge, without his visor in the original packaging. If you do not get out of my way, I will open it. 
Howard: Okay man, be cool, we’re all friends here. 
Penny (coming out of her flat): What the hell’s going on? 
Sheldon: You hypocrite!
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Little Miss “grown ups don’t play with toys”. If I were to go into that apartment right now, would I find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? Hello,Hello Kitty! 
Penny: Okay, okay look, if this is about yesterday, Leonard, I am really sorry about what I said, I was just a bit upset.
Leonard: No, I needed to hear it.
Penny: No you didn’t. Look, you are a great guy, and it is things you love that make you who you are. 
Howard: I guess that makes me large breasts. 
Leonard: Still, I think it’s time for me to get rid of this stuff and… you know… move on with my life. 
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Oh. Wow. Good for you. (Kisses his cheek.)
Leonard: Thanks. Hey, do you want to, I don’t know, later…
Good looking man coming up stairs: Excuse me. Hey, Penny!
Penny: Hi Mike.
Mike: Are you ready to go. 
Penny: Yeah, I just have to change.
Mike: I’ll give you a hand.
Penny: Oh, stop it! Bye guys. 
Leonard (after a long pause): My turn on the time machine. 
Scene: A jungle. As the camera moves, the time machine becomes visible. Sheldon is sitting in it The disk stops spinning, and he looks around. The dials read APR 28 802,701. 
Sheldon: It worked. It really worked. They said I was mad, but it worked. (Large hairy creatures with glowing eyes emerge from the forest and walk towards him menacingly.) Oh no, not Morlocks! Not flesh-eating Morlocks! He-e-e-e-e-e-e-elp! (With a yelp, he wakes up in the time machine in the living room.) 
Leonard: Sheldon, are you okay? 
Sheldon: We have to get rid of the time machine. 
Leonard: It is a little big for the living room, isn’t it?
Sheldon: Yeah, that’s the problem, it’s too big. 
Leonard: I’m glad you agree. I hired some guys to help us move it, come on in fellas. (A pair of Morlocks come through the door.)
Sheldon: Oh no, Morlocks? Eat him, eat him. Aaaaargh. (Sheldon wakes up in his own bed.) Leonard!!!!!!!!

Scene: A corridor at the University.
Leonard: On the other hand, some physicists are concerned that if the super collider actually works, it will create a black hole and swallow up the Earth ending life as we know it. 
Raj: Psh, what a bunch of crybabies. No guts, no glory man. 
Leonard (looking at an orange notice on the noticeboard): Hey, check it out, the school of pharmacology is looking for volunteers.
Raj: We are testing a new medication for social anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia and obsessive compulsive disorder. Why would they be looking for test subjects here? 
Leonard: I don’t know, Raj. Maybe the comic book store doesn’t have a bulletin board. (Sees crowds in the corridor) What’s going on?
Howard: Shhh! Hot girl in Sheldon’s office. 
Leonard: Sheldon’s office? Is she lost? 
Howard: Don’t think so. I followed her here from the parking lot. 
Leonard: Maybe she’s his lawyer.
Howard: Well she’s free to examine my briefs.
Leonard: Howard…
Howard: I know, I’m disgusting, I should be punished. By her, oh look, I did it again. 
Girl: Well, that should do it.
Sheldon: Thank you for coming by. (He rises from his desk. Everyone rushes to look nonchalant.) Hello.
Leonard: Oh, hey buddy. 
Sheldon: Buddy.
Howard: Sorry I’m late, I’m working on a project that may take me up on the next space shuttle.
Sheldon: How can you be late, I wasn’t expecting you at all. 
Howard: Nobody ever expects me, sometimes you just look and… BAM! (shakes girl’s hand) Howard Wolowitz. 
Leonard: Sheldon, are you going to introduce us? 
Sheldon: Oh, alright, this is Missy, Missy this is Leonard and Rajesh and you’ve already met Howard. 
Missy: It’s nice to meet you.
Leonard: You too, swell, also.
Howard: Yeah. 
Leonard: So, how do you two know each other.
Missy: Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head. 
Leonard: Excuse me?
Sheldon: She’s my twin sister, she thinks she’s funny but frankly I’ve never been able to see it.
Missy: It’s because you have no measurable sense of humour, Shelly.
Sheldon: How exactly would one measure a sense of humour? A humourmometer? 
Howard: Well, I think you’re delightfully droll. Or as the French say, Tres Drole. 
Missy: Okay, so let me see if I got this. Leonard, Howard and… I’m sorry what was your name again. (Raj looks uncomfortable, turns and walks away, disappears round corner. He then reappears, takes the orange paper from the noticeboard and leaves again.)
Sheldon: Rajesh. 
Credits sequence
Scene: The same.
Leonard: So Missy, what brings you all the way from Texas? 
Howard: Was it perhaps destiny, I think it was destiny. 
Missy: My friend’s getting married in Disneyland tomorrow night. 
Howard: Destiny, thy name is Anaheim. 
Missy: And I had to drop off some papers for Shelly to sign for my dad’s estate.
Sheldon: The papers could have been mailed, Mom just sent you here to spy on me, didn’t she.
Missy: I guess that’s why they call you a genius. 
Sheldon: They call me a genius because I’m a genius. Tell Mom that I currently weigh 165 pounds, and that I’m having regular bowel movements. Enjoy the wedding, goodbye.
Leonard and Howard together: Woah, woah. 
Leonard: If the wedding’s not until tomorrow, why don’t you stay with us tonight? 
Missy: Oh, I don’t think so. Shelly doesn’t like company. Even as a little boy he’d send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day. 
Sheldon: They were not friends, they were imaginary colleagues. 
Leonard: Look, you’re here, we have plenty of room.
Sheldon: No we don’t.
Howard: Come on, Shelly, she’s family.
Sheldon: So what? I don’t issue invitations to your mother.
Missy: Well it would be nice not to have to drive out to Anaheim in rush hour.
Sheldon: And don’t ever call me Shelly.
Leonard: So it’s settled. You’ll stay with us.
Howard: I’ll walk you to your car. You’re in structure 3 level C, right? 
Sheldon: What just happened?
Scene: The apartment.
Missy: So anyway, we’re eight years old, and Sheldon converts my easy-bake oven to some kind of high-powered furnace.
Leonard: Hee-hee, just classic. 
Sheldon: I needed a place to fire ceramic semi-conductor substrates for home-made integrated circuits. 
Missy: He was trying to build some kind of armed robot to keep me out of his room.
Sheldon: Made necessary by her insistence on going into my room.
Missy: Anyway, I go to make those little corn muffins they give you, there’s a big flash, next thing you know my eyebrows are gone.
Howard: Ha-ha, not your eyebrows? 
Missy: Yep. I had to go through the entire second grade with crooked eyebrows my Mom drew on.
Sheldon: Is that what that was? I just assumed that the second grade curriculum had rendered you quizzical. 
Penny (knocking and entering, holding up a pair of superman undershorts.): Hey, Leonard, you left your underwear in the dryer downstairs. 
Leonard: Those are not mine.
Penny: Really, they have your little name label in them. 
Leonard: Yeah, no, I do, I use those… uh… just to polish up my… spear-fishing equipment. I spear fish. When I’m not crossbow hunting, I spear fish. Uh, Penny, this is Sheldon’s twin sister, Missy. Missy, this is our neighbour Penny.
Missy: Hi. 
Penny: Wow, you don’t look that much alike.
Howard: Can I get a hallelujah. 
Sheldon: Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs, they are no more alike than any other siblings.
Howard: Hallelujah. 
Raj (running in): Hey, guess what. I’ve been accepted as a test subject for a new miracle drug to overcome pathological shyness. 
Penny: Hey, good for you, Raj.
Raj: Yes, I’m very hopeful. Hello Missy. (He waves his hand. It keeps waving.) They mentioned there may be side effects. 
Scene: The same, later.
Raj: So, Missy. Have you ever met a man from the exotic subcontinent of India? 
Missy: Well, there’s Dr Patel at our church. 
Raj: Ah yes, Dr Patel, good man.
Howard: Do you like motorcycles, ‘cos I ride a hog. 
Raj: A hog? You have a two cylinder scooter with a basket on the front. 
Howard: You still have to wear a helmet. 
Raj: Have you ever heard of the Kama Sutra? 
Missy: The sex book?
Raj: The Indian sex book. In other words if you wonder wonder who wrote the book of love, it was us.
Penny (to Leonard): Hey, Sheldon’s sister’s pretty cute, I w….
Leonard: I wasn’t staring! 
Penny: I didn’t say you were, I just said she was cute. 
Leonard: Oh. Huh, um, maybe, if you like women who are tall… and perfect. 
Penny: Sheldon, why are you ignoring your sister?
Sheldon: I’m not ignoring my sister. I’m ignoring all of you. 
Leonard: I brought snacks.
Missy: Oh my! Gherkins and….
Leonard: Onion dip, it’s onion dip. 
Missy: Oh.
Leonard: We don’t entertain much. 
Raj: Missy, do you enjoy pajamas?
Missy: I guess. 
Raj: We Indians invented them. You’re welcome.
Howard: Yeah, well my people invented circumcision. You’re welcome!
Penny: Missy, I’m going to go get my nails done. Do you want to come?
Missy: God yes. Thanks.
Penny: You’re welcome. 
Missy: Bye guys.
Howard: Bye Missy.
Leonard: Bye Missy, see you.
Penny: Goodbye Leonard! 
Leonard: Uh, yeah, no, uh, bye Penny.
Howard: Okay, you two have to back off.
Raj: Why should I back off, you back off dude.
Leonard: Excuse me, this is my apartment and she’s my roommate’s sister.
Howard: So what, you’ve already got Penny. 
Leonard: How do I have Penny? In what universe do I have Penny?
Howard: So I can have Penny?
Leonard: Hell, no! 
Sheldon: Excuse me, can I interject something. I’m ordering pizza online, is everyone okay with pepperoni? 
Leonard: Sheldon, can I talk to you in private?
Sheldon: I guess. Don’t worry, I was going to order you cheeseless.
Leonard: Thank you. 
Sheldon: That’s okay. Lactose intolerance is nothing to be embarrassed about. 
Howard: I’m a fancy Indian man, we invented pajamas! 
Raj: Hey, look at me, I don’t have a foreskin. 
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Leonard: Sheldon, are you aware that your sister is an incredibly attractive woman?
Sheldon: Hmmm? She certainly has the symmetry and low body fat that western culture deems desirable. It’s noteworth that at other points in history, heavier women were the standard for beauty because their girth suggested affluence. 
Leonard: That’s fascinating, but I…
Sheldon: I didn’t say it was fascinating, I said it was noteworthy.
Leonard: Alright, noted. But my point is that Koothrappali and Wolowitz… they’re hitting on your sister. 
Sheldon: Oh. Okay. You know, I don’t want to criticise your rhetorical style but, we’d be a lot further along in this conversation if you’d begun with that thought. 
Leonard: That’s great, but I….
Sheldon: What I’m saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis.
Leonard: Whatever. You have to do something about it.
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: Because she’s your sister. 
Sheldon: I don’t understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we’ve pretty much gone our own separate ways. 
Leonard: Okay, uh…. oh, consider this. With your father gone, it is your responsibility to make sure that Missy chooses a suitable mate. 
Sheldon: I hadn’t considered that. We do share DNA.
Leonard: Uh-huh. 
Sheldon: So there is the possibility, however remote, that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual as remarkable as myself. 
Leonard: Exactly. And, you owe it to yourself and to posterity to protect the genetic integrity of your sister’s future offspring. 
Sheldon: You’re right. If someone wants to get at Missy’s fallopian tubes, they’ll have to go through me. 
Scene: The living room. Raj and Howard are on the floor, fighting. 
Raj: I am Shiva the destroyer, I will have the woman! 
Howard: I’m warning you, I was judo champion at math camp. 
Sheldon: Alright, that’s enough juvenile squabbling, stop it, stop it I say. I’m going to settle this right now. Neither of you are good enough for my sister. 
Howard: Who are you to decide that?
Leonard: He’s the man of his family, you have to respect his wishes.
Sheldon: You’re out too, by the way.
Leonard: Say what?
Sheldon: It’s nothing personal, I’d just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn’t become flatulent every time they eat an Eskimo pie. 
Howard (to Raj, who is smiling): What are you so happy about?
Raj: I’m not happy, it’s the medication, I can’t stop smiling. (Waves hand at mouth. It keeps waving.)
Sheldon: Now that Leonard’s made me aware of how high the genetic stakes are, we have to face the fact that none of you are suitable mates for my sister. 
Howard: Wait a minute. Leonard made you aware of that? 
Leonard: We all make mistakes, let’s move on. 
Raj: Excuse me, but I think you’re missing a big opportunity here. 
Sheldon: How so?
Raj: Everybody knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring. Why not put a little mocha in the family latte. 
Sheldon: In principle you have a point, but as a practical matter, need I remind you that it takes experimental pharmaceuticals to simply enable you to speak to the opposite sex.
Raj (waving finger at him): I think you’re focussing entirely too much on the drugs. (Finger keeps waving. Leonard has to reach out and stop it.)
Howard: Is it ‘cause I’m Jewish, ‘cause I’d kill my Rabbi with a porkchop to be with your sister.
Sheldon: This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you’re a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother. 
Leonard: Sheldon, you are really being unreasonable. 
Sheldon: Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister. 
Missy (who has just entered): Oh really? 
Sheldon: Oops. 
Missy: Shelly, can I speak to you for a minute? Alone? 
Sheldon: Why does everyone suddenly want to talk to me alone? Usually nobody wants to be alone with me.   
Leonard (to Penny who is standing next to him grinning): We all make mistakes, let’s move on.
Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.
Missy: Okay. I’m not even going to ask why you’re pimping me out for cheese. But since when do you care at all about who I sleep with? 
Sheldon: Truthfully, I’ve never given it any thought, but it has been pointed out to me that you carry DNA of great potential.
Missy: What on earth are you talking about? 
Sheldon: Let me explain. You see, I’m a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock. 
Missy: And what do you mean, mediocre stock? 
Sheldon: That would be you. But residing within you is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon 2.0 if you will. 
Missy: Sheldon 2.0?
Sheldon: Exactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you’re not attracted to the suitor then the likelihood of conception would be reduced.
Missy: You have got to be kidding me! 
Sheldon: Not at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertiliziation. 
Missy: Okay Shelly, sit down. Now I’ve lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is, as Mom puts it, one of God’s special little people. 
Sheldon: I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that’s where the metaphor ended. 
Missy: I thought it ended at cuckoo. Now you listen to me, if you want to start acting like a brother who cares about me, then terrific. Bring it on. But you try one time to tell me who I should be sleeping with, and you and I are going to go round and round the way we did when we were little. Remember? (Sheldon hurriedly crosses his legs.) 
Sheldon: I have an alternate proposal. 
Missy: Go on.
Sheldon: You donate eggs. We will place them in cryogenic storage. I will find an appropriate sperm donor for your eggs, have them fertilized and implanted in you, that way everybody wins. 
Scene: The living room. Sheldon enters limping, holding his groin area. 
Sheldon: Correction. Missy can date whoever she wants. 
Scene: The same, later. 
Howard: Look, we have to settle this.
Leonard: I agree. Sheldon’s sister is hiding at Penny’s because we’ve all been hitting on her at the same time. 
Raj: She’s not hiding. She needed privacy to call her grandmother who’s apparently very sick. Oh, and then I believe she has to wash her hair. 
Howard: Oh, you poor, deluded bastard. 
Raj: Don’t start with me dude.
Howard: You want to go again? Let’s go. 
Leonard: Sit down.
Howard: Okay. 
Leonard: If we’re going to fight over Missy, let’s do it the right way. The honourable way.
(Time shift. Sheldon enters to hear sounds of fighting. It becomes apparent that the guys are playing a boxing game on a Nintendo Wii.)
Leonard: And he’s down!
Howard: Come on, come on, get up. 
Leonard: Stay down, bitch. Yeah, ha ha, natural selection at work.
Sheldon: I weep for humanity. 
Leonard: Excuse me while I go tell Missy the good news. (Leaves and knocks on Penny’s door.)
Penny (answering): Ah, hey Leonard.
Leonard: Hi Penny, how’s it going. Listen, that guy Mike that you were dating, is that still going on?
Penny: Uh, pretty much, why?
Leonard: Nothing, just catching up. By the way, may I speak to Missy please? 
Penny: Of course.
Missy: Hi, Leonard, what’s up?
Leonard: Well, since you’re leaving tomorrow I was wondering if you’d like to go out to dinner with me?
Missy: That’s so sweet. But no thanks.
Leonard: Oh. You have other plans, or…?
Missy: No.
Leonard: Oh. Alright uh… enjoy the rest of your evening.
Missy: Thanks. See you.
Leonard (returning): Um, here’s something we didn’t anticipate. 
(Time shift. Penny opens door to Howard.)
Penny: What do you want, Howard?
Howard: I’m fine, thanks for asking. I’ve come to call on Missy. 
Penny: Missy?
Missy: Hi Howard.
Howard: The amazing Howard. Do you like magic?
Missy: Not really. No.
Howard: Then you are in for a treat. Behold, an ordinary cane. (Taps against doorpost. While humming he tries to perform a trick, but the cane falls in half with a yellow handkerchief flying out. Howard has to retrieve the pieces.) Da-dah! (Emerges with the handkerchief, on which are written the words “will you go out with me?”)
Missy: No.
Howard: Okay. (Does something with hands, from which another yellow handkerchief emerges. This one reads “are you sure?” Missy closes the door.)
(Time shift. Penny opens the door to Raj.)
Penny: Missy?
Raj: Thank you. I apprec…. (looks panicked) apprec…. appreeee…. oh-oh.
Penny: Oh, honey, is your medication wearing off?  (Raj nods.)
Missy: Oh, hi, cutie pie. I was hoping you’d show up. 
(Raj attempts to speak. All that emerges is a high pitched wail. After a few more attempts he turns and leaves down the stairs, still making the same sound.) 
Missy: We had a dog who made a noise like that. Had to put him down. 
Scene: The stairwell. Missy and Sheldon are descending. 
Missy: Any news you want me to pass along to Mom?
Sheldon: Well, she might be interested to know that I have refocused my research from bosonic string theory to heteronic string theory. 
Missy: Yeah, I’ll just tell her you said hey.
Sheldon: Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. (Holds out hand to shake.)
Missy: Come on, Shelly. (Hugs him. He looks uncomfortable, then hugs back half heartedly.) I want you to know I’m very proud of you.
Sheldon: Really?
Missy: Yup, I’m always bragging to my friends about my brother the rocket scientist. 
Sheldon: You tell people I’m a rocket scientist?
Missy: Well yeah.
Sheldon: I’m a theoretical physicist.
Missy: What’s the difference?
Sheldon: What’s the difference?
Missy: Goodbye Shelly.
Sheldon: My God! Why don’t you just tell them I’m a toll taker at the Golden Gate Bridge? Rocket scientist, how humiliating. 

Scene: The Cheesecake Factory. Raj and Sheldon are arm wrestling while playing tetris. There is a cacophony of cries such as “take him down” and “he’s got you, Sheldon.”
Penny: Hey, guys, guys, some of the other waitresses wanted me to ask you something.
Leonard: Oh, it’s called trestling.
Howard: It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling with the mental agility of tetris into the ultimate sport. 
Penny: Yeah, that’s terrific, but what they wanted me to ask you was to cut it the hell out. (To someone off) Right come on guys, come on. (Singing while approaching another table) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…
Sheldon: We might as well stop, it’s a stalemate. You’re beating me in tetris, but you’ve got the upper body strength of a Keebler Elf.
Raj: Keebler Elf? I’ve got your Keebler Elf right here. (Strains to push Sheldon’s arm down. Tries using both hands, still with no effect.) Okay, it’s a stalemate. 
Penny: So Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake?
Sheldon: He can’t eat cheesecake, he’s lactose intolerant. 
Penny: Okay, he can have carrot cake.
Sheldon: What about the cream cheese frosting.
Penny: he can scrape it off. 
Leonard: Forget about the cake, how did you know that my birthday is Saturday? 
Penny: I did your horoscope, remember, I was going to do everybody’s until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.
Sheldon: For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who in 1948 proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments, that astrology is nothing but pseudo scientific hokum. 
Penny: Blah blah blah, a typical Taurus. So, seriously, are we going to see you Saturday?
Leonard: Oh, I don’t think so.
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: I don’t celebrate my birthday.
Penny: Shuddup, yeah you do. 
Leonard: No, it’s no big deal, it’s just the way I was raised. My parents focussed on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
Penny: Uh, that’s so silly.
Sheldon: It’s actually based on very sound theories, his mother published a paper on it. 
Penny: What was it called, “I hate my son and that’s why he can’t have cake?” 
Sheldon: It was obviously effective, Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she’d also denied him Christmas he’d be a little better at it. 
Leonard: Thank you.
Howard: Well I love birthdays, waking up to Mom’s special French Toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends.
Penny: Yeah, see, that’s what kids should have. 
Howard: Actually that was last year. 
Penny: So you’ve really never had a birthday party? 
Leonard: No. But it was okay. I mean, when I was little I’d think maybe my parents would change their mind, and surprise me with a party, like this one birthday I came home from my Cello lesson, and I saw a lot of strange cars parked out front, and when I got to the door I could hear people whispering, and I could smell German chocolate cake, which is my favourite.
Penny: And?
Leonard: Uh, it turns out my grandfather had died.  
Penny: Oh my God, that’s terrible. 
Leonard: Oh, it was kind of like a birthday party. I got to see all my cousins and there was cake, so…7
Penny: That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. 
Howard: You think? Go ahead, tell her about your senior prom. 
Credits sequence.
Scene: Leonard is exiting the apartment. 
Howard (voice from inside): Make sure they remember no peanuts.
Leonard: Howard, every Thai restaurant in town knows you can’t eat peanuts. They see me coming they go “ah, no peanut boy!”
(Leonard exits down stairs. A moment later, Penny peeks out of her apartment, checks the coast is clear, and crosses the hall to the guys apartment. Knocks.)
Sheldon (answering): Hello Penny. Leonard just left.
Penny: I know. I want to talk to you. 
Sheldon: What would we talk about? We’ve no overlapping areas of interest I’m aware of, and you know I don’t care for chit-chat. 
Penny: Okay, can you just let me in.
Sheldon: Well alright, but I don’t see this as a promising endeavour.
Penny: Okay, here’s the deal, we are going to throw Leonard a kick-ass surprise party for his birthday on Saturday.
Sheldon: I hardly think so, Leonard made it very clear he doesn’t want a party.
Howard: Did someone say party? 
Penny: He just doesn’t know he wants one because he’s never had one. 
Howard: I suppose that’s possible, but for the record, I’ve never had a threesome and yet I still know I want one.
Penny: Howard, here’s the difference. The possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over. 
Howard: Fine. If I do have a threesome, you can’t be part of it. I’m just kidding, yes you can. Can you bring a friend? 
Sheldon: I think a birthday party is a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish. 
Penny: Anguish?
Sheldon: Year after year, I had to endure wearing conical hats while being forced into the crowded sweaty hell of bouncy castles, not to mention being blindfolded and spun towards a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation. 
Penny: Okay, sweetie, I understand you have scars that no non-professional can heal, but nevertheless we are going to throw Leonard a birthday party. 
Sheldon: Have I pointed out that I am extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol induced frivolity. 
Penny: Nevertheless we are….
Sheldon: In addition I really don’t think that Leonard wants a…
Penny: Okay, here’s the deal, you either help me throw Leonard a birthday party or, so help me God, I will go into your bedroom and I will unbag all of your most valuable mint condition comic books. And on one of them, you won’t know which, I’ll draw a tiny happy face in ink. 
Sheldon: You can’t do that, if you make a mark on a mint comic book it’s no longer mint.
Penny: Sheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail?
Sheldon: Well of course I… oh! Yeah, I have an idea, let’s throw Leonard a kick ass birthday party.
Scene: Howard and Raj sneak up the stairwell carrying presents. Howard knocks on Penny’s door, a combination of two knocks, two knocks, one knock. Nothing happens. He tries again. Sheldon opens the door. 
Sheldon: That’s not the secret knock. This is the secret knock. (He knocks two, one, two.)
Howard: What difference does it make?
Sheldon: The whole point of a secret knock is to establish a non-verbal signal to verify the identity of one’s co-conspirators. 
Penny: Is that Raj and Howard?
Sheldon: Possibly, but unverified.
Howard: Can you just let us in.
Sheldon: Luckily for you this is not a nuclear reactor. 
Penny: So, what did you get the birthday boy?
Howard: Well, Raj got him an awesome limited edition Dark Knight sculpture based on Alex Ross’s definitive Batman, and I got him this amazing autographed copy of the Feynman lectures on physics.
Penny: Nice. I got him a sweater. 
Howard: Okay, well, he might like that, I’ve seen him… chilly. 
Penny: Uh, Sheldon, I didn’t see your present.
Sheldon: That’s because I didn’t bring one.
Penny: Well why not? 
Howard: Don’t ask.
Sheldon: The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense.
Howard: Too late.
Sheldon: Let’s say that I go out and I spend fifty dollars on you, it’s a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need. Now I can simplify things, just give you the fifty dollars directly and, you could give me fifty dollars on my birthday, and so on until one of us dies leaving the other one old and fifty dollars richer. And I ask you, is it worth it? 
Howard: Told you not to ask. 
Penny: Well, Sheldon, you’re his friend. Friends give each other presents.
Sheldon: I accept your premise, I reject your conclusion.
Howard: Try telling him it’s a non-optional social convention. 
Penny: What?
Howard: Just do it. 
Penny: It’s a non-optional social convention.
Sheldon: Oh. Fair enough. 
Howard: He came with a manual. 
Sheldon: Question, how am I going to get Leonard a present before the party? I don’t drive, and the only things available within walking distance are a Thai restaurant and a gas station. I suppose I could wrap up an order of mee krob and a couple of lottery scratchers. 
Penny: Okay, let’s do this, um, I will drive Sheldon to get a present, and Howard, you need to get rid of Leonard for about two hours. 
Howard: No problem.
Penny: And then Raj, you bring the stuff across the hall and start setting up.
Howard (after Raj whispers in his ear): What if guests show up?
Penny: Entertain them.
Howard: What if they’re women?
Penny: Stare at them and make them feel uncomfortable. 
Scene: The apartment. Leonard is playing an X-Box game. 
Howard (entering): Hey!
Leonard: Hey. 
Howard: How’s it going?
Leonard: Fine. 
Howard: So, listen, the New Art is showing the revised definitive cut of Blade Runner.
Leonard: Seen it.
Howard: No, you’ve seen the 25th anniversary final cut. This one has eight seconds of previously unseen footage. They say it completely changes the tone of the film. 
Leonard: Oh. Pass. 
Howard: Come on, afterwards there’s a Q & A with Harrison Ford’s body double. 
Leonard: Look, I am in the Halo battle of my life here, there’s this kid in Copenhagen, he has no immune system so all he does is sit in his bubble and play Halo 24/7.
Howard: Can’t you play him some other time?
Leonard: Not if you believe his doctors. 
Howard: Oh my God, do you smell gas.
Leonard: No.
Howard: Yeah, no. 
Scene: An electrical store.
Penny: Alright, you know they have DVDs over there.
Sheldon: Yes, but they have DVD burners over here. Leonard needs a DVD burner. 
Penny: Sheldon, a gift shouldn’t be something someone needs, it should be something fun, you know, something they wouldn’t buy for themselves.
Sheldon: You mean, like a sweater? 
Penny: Well, it’s a fun sweater, it’s got a bold geometric print. 
Sheldon: Is it the geometry that makes it fun.
Penny: Okay, the point is, one of the ways we show we care about people is by putting thought and imagination into the gifts we give them. 
Sheldon: Okay, I see, so not a DVD burner.
Penny: Exactly.
Sheldon: Something he wouldn’t buy for himself. Something fun. Something like… oh, an 802.11n wireless router. 
Scene: The apartment.
Leonard: Here you go, Copenhagen boy, how about a taste of Hans Christian Hand Grenade. (Raj enters carrying party supplies. Howard waves him away while in the background Leonard is heard saying “oh, that did not feel good.”) Come on, come on, oh you clever little…. Come on, come on, take that! 
Howard (picks up a granola bar from the table, breaks off half and puts it in his back pocket.): Oh-oh. (Louder) Oh-oh! 
Leonard: What’s the matter?
Howard: This granola bar, there’s peanuts in it.
Leonard: Oh my God, why did you eat it?
Howard: I don’t know, it was just there.
Leonard: Well if I had a gun there, would you have shot yourself? 
Howard: Don’t yell at me, I’ve got to go to the emergency room. 
Leonard: Now?
Howard: No, after my tongue has swollen to the size of a brisket. 
Leonard: Alright, um, just, uh, let me get my keys.
Howard: Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh…. (into phone after Leonard leaves room) The laundry is out of the hamper. (Looks exasperated) Okay Sheldon, what was it supposed to be? Fine, it’s out of the washer. I’ll call you when it’s in the dryer. 
Leonard (running in): Alright, let’s go. (They exit, with Howard making croaking noises.) 
Scene: The store. Sheldon is looking at two routers.
Sheldon: What do you think.
Penny (pointing randomly): Um, that one. 
Sheldon: Because of the two additional Ethernet ports.
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: He doesn’t need them, he’s already got a 640 connect switch 
Penny: Oh, okay then this one. 
Sheldon: Why? 
Penny: I don’t know, the man on the box looks so happy. 
Sheldon: Penny! If I’m going to buy Leonard a gift, I’m going to do it right. I refuse to let him experience the same childhood trauma I did. 
Penny: Oh, I know I’m going to regret this but, what trauma? 
Sheldon: On my twelfth birthday I really wanted a titanium centrifuge, so, you know, I could separate radioactive isotopes. 
Penny: Of course.
Sheldon: Instead of a titanium centrifuge, my parents bought me… wow, this is hard. They got me… a motorised dirt bike. 
Penny: No? 
Sheldon: What twelve year old boy wants a motorised dirt bike? 
Penny: All of them.
Sheldon: Really?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Huh? 
Penny: Okay, so we’re getting this one?
Sheldon: Yeah, I suppose. 
Penny: Okay, let’s go.
Random woman: Excuse me, do you know anything about this stuff? 
Sheldon: I know everything about this stuff.
Woman: Okay, I have my own wholesale flower business, and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse. 
Penny: Here, buy this one. Look, it’s the one we’re getting, see, happy guy available. 
Sheldon: No, no, no, no, she doesn’t want that, she needs a point to point peer network with a range extender.
Woman: Thank you. 
Random guy: Which hard drive do I want, firewire or USB?
Sheldon: It depends on what Bus you have.
Guy: I drive a Chevy Cavalier.
Sheldon: Oh, dear lord.
Penny: Sheldon, we have to go.
Sheldon: Not now, Penny, this poor man needs me. (To woman approaching) You hold on, I’ll be right with you. What computer do you have, and please don’t say a white one?
Scene: The hospital. Howard runs in and up to the counter.
Howard: Excuse me.
Nurse: Fill this out, have a seat. 
Howard: No, listen, see we’re throwing my friend a surprise party and I’m supposed to keep him out of his apartment for two hours.
Nurse: Uh-huh, fill this out and have a seat. 
Howard: No, see, the only way I could get him to leave is to tell him I ate a peanut. Because I’m allergic to peanuts. 
Nurse: Oh, well in that case fill this out and have a seat. 
Howard: Look, all I need from you is to take me in the back and give me a band-aid so I can pretend I had a shot of epinephrine and they you tell my friend you need to keep me under observation for about an hour, hour and a half. 
Nurse: Is that all you need?
Howard: Yes.
Nurse: Get out of my ER. 
Howard: No, you don’t understand.
Nurse: Oh, I understand, but unfortunately this hospital is not equipped to treat stupid. 
Howard: Okay, I get it, I know how the world works, how about if I were to introduce you (holding up a five dollar bill) to the man who freed your people. 
Nurse, unless my people were freed by Benjamin Franklin and his five twin brothers you are wasting your time. 
Leonard (running in): Hey, sorry I couldn’t find a parking spot, how are you doing.
Howard: Bad, very bad. 
Leonard: Really, ‘cos you don’t look like you’re swelling up at all, maybe we should just pick up some benedryl at the drug store and go home. 
Howard: We can’t go home. 
Leonard: Why not?
Howard: Becauth (pretends tongue has swollen up) Becauth-th-th. Brissket, Brissket! Water, need water. 
Leonard: Alright, I’ll be right back. 
Howard (into phone): Penny, look, I’ve got a problem.
Penny (with Sheldon in background at the head of a large queue of customers): Yeah, well so do I, look you’ve got to stall Leonard a little longer.
Howard: I don’t think I can. 
Penny: You have to, we all have to be there at the same time to yell “surprise!” 
Howard: Okay, you have to understand something, we’re in a hospital right now. 
Penny: Why, is Leonard okay.
Howard: Leonard’s fine. I’m fine, thanks for asking, by the way. 
Penny: Okay, I don’t need your attitude, just hold him there a little longer. 
Howard: Look, I’ve done my best but he wants to go home and I don’t know how to stop him. 
Penny: Okay, how about this. You keep him there a little longer and when you get to the party I’ll point out which of my friends are easy. 
Howard: Don’t toy with me, woman. 
Penny: I’ve got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem, I’ve got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around and an alcoholic who’s two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat. 
Howard: Thy will be done. (Thinks. Reaches into back pocket, finds the half a granola bar from earlier. Looks down.) I’m doing this for you, little buddy. (Takes a bite.)
Scene: The store. Sheldon is on the in-store computer. 
Sheldon: Okay, we don’t have that in stock, but I can special order it for you.
Penny (with shop assistant, points at Sheldon): Him.
Assistant: Excuse me, sir, you don’t work here. 
Sheldon: Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else. 
Penny: Sheldon, we have to go.
Sheldon: Why? 
Penny: Well, for one thing, we’re late for Leonard’s birthday party. And for another, I told him to call security. 
Sheldon (to customer): Good luck. (To assistant) By the way, a six year-old could hack your computer system. 
Penny: Keep walking.
Sheldon: Yeah, 1-2-3-4 is not a secure password. 
Scene: The hospital.
Leonard: Excuse me, my friend is having an allergic reaction to peanuts.
Nurse: No he’s not.
Leonard: Yes he is.
Nurse: Look, sir we are very busy here and I just don’t… (sees Leonard whose face has swollen all over) holy crap! 
Howard: Pees hep me! 
Nurse: Code 4, I need a gurney, right away, right away.
Howard: Fank-u. 
Scene: The stairwell. 
Leonard: Say what you will about the healthcare system in this country, but when they’re afraid of lawsuits they sure test everything. 
Howard: I really don’t think the colonoscopy was necessary. 
Leonard: You know, before you got all swollen up, I actually thought you were trying to keep me out of the apartment so you could throw me a surprise party. 
Howard: Oh, right, it’s your birthday, I had no idea it was your birthday, I completely forgot, wow, what a lousy way to spend a birthday, well it’s all over now.
Leonard: There is a party, isn’t there.
Howard: Maybe.
Leonard: Howard. 
Howard: Are you mad?
Leonard: how could I be mad? You actually risked your life because you cared about me.
Howard: Yeah, that’s why I did it. 
Leonard: Alright. Here we go. My first birthday party. 
(Opens door. Raj is drunkenly singing True Colors very badly into a microphone with his shirt off and a bandana round his head while waving a beer bottle. Penny and Sheldon are asleep on the couch and armchair respectively.) 
Raj: Dude! Everybody left an hour ago! Surprise! 
Time shift. View of a mobile phone video screen. Raj has a woman sitting on his shoulders.
Raj: Okay Leonard, here I am at your birthday party, I don’t know where you are dude, but it’s really kick-ass. Everyone is very very drunk, and uh… (girl pours booze into his mouth) Oh look, there’s a girl taking her shirt off. 
Penny: That’s my friend Carol. Remind me, I’ve got to introduce her to Howard. 
Raj: Oh sweet Krishna, shake it, that-a rupee maker.
Penny: I’m so sorry you didn’t get your party.
Leonard: Oh, it’s okay.
Penny: Happy birthday anyways. (She kisses him full on the lips.)
Leonard: Hey Penny, when, uh, when’s your birthday?

Scene: The apartment living room
Sheldon: Wo de zhing shi Sheldon.
Howard: No, it’s Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon. (Makes a hand movement with every syllable.)
Sheldon: Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon. (Copies hand movements.)
Howard: What’s this? (Repeats hand movements.)
Sheldon: That’s what you did. I assumed as in a number of languages that the gesture was part of the phrase.
Howard: Well it’s not.
Sheldon: How am I supposed to know that? As the teacher it’s your obligation to separate your personal idiosyncrasies from the subject matter. 
Howard: You know, I’m really glad you decided to learn Mandarin.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: Once you’re fluent you’ll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me. 
Leonard (entering): Hey! 
Sheldon: Mai du lui tsa.
Howard: You just called Leonard a syphilitic donkey. 
Sheldon: My apologies Leonard, I’m only as good as my teacher. 
Leonard: Why are you learning Chinese?
Sheldon: I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off orange chicken as tangerine chicken and I intend to confront them. 
Leonard: If I were you, I’d be more concerned by what they’re passing off as chicken. 
Penny (storming in): I need to use your window.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, no, sure, go ahead. 
Penny (opening window): Hey Jerkface, you forgot your iPod! (Throws it out.)
Leonard: What’s going on?
Penny: Oh, I’ll tell you what’s going on, that stupid self-centred bastard wrote about our sex life in his blog. (Out of window) Drop dead, you stupid self-centred bastard! (To Leonard) Thank you. (exit)
Sheldon: Okay, where were we? 
Howard: Not now, I have a blog to find. 
(Credits sequence)
Scene: Leonard approaches Penny’s door and knocks. 
Leonard: Penny, are you okay?
Penny (voice off): I’m fine, Leonard, just go away.
Leonard: Look, I understand that breaking up with someone can be very painful….
Penny: GO AWAY!
Leonard: Okay, feel better, bye. (Goes back to apartment) She doesn’t want to talk. 
Sheldon: Not surprising. Penny’s emotional responses originate from the primitive portion of the brain known as the Amygdala, while speech is centred in the much more recently developed Neocortex. The former can easily overpower the latter giving scientific credence to the notion of being rendered speechless. (Leonard stares at him.) Or maybe she just doesn’t want to talk. 
Raj (entering): Hey, look, I found an iPod. 
Howard: It’s smashed beyond repair, what are you going to do with it?
Raj: What else? Sell it on ebay as slightly used. 
Leonard: It was Penny’s boyfriend’s, they broke up.
Howard: Apparently he posted intimate details of their physical relationship on his blog, which I cannot find anywhere. 
Leonard: You know what, I’m going to go back and try talking to her again.
Howard: Good idea. Sit with her, hold her, comfort her, and if the moment feels right, see if you can cop a feel. 
Leonard: I’m not going to do that, Howard.
Sheldon: I’m not aware of any social convention that requires you to intervene at all.
Leonard: What about “damsel in distress?”
Sheldon: Twelfth century code of chivalry, not exactly current. You’d also have to be knighted for that to apply. 
Leonard: I don’t care. She’s upset, I’m going over there. 
Howard: Remember to sit on your hands a bit so they’re warm. 
Leonard: I’m her friend, I’m not going to take advantage of her vulnerability.
Howard: What, so you’re saying that if in the depths of despair she throws herself at you and demands you take her, right there, right now, you’ll just walk away?
Leonard: I said I’m her friend. Not her gay friend. 
Scene: Penny’s flat. Penny is eating ice cream from the tub. 
Leonard (knocking and entering): Hey, listen, I know you said that you didn’t want to talk…
Penny: I don’t. 
Leonard (leaving): Sorry.
Penny: Wait. 
Leonard: Wait, did you say wait?
Penny: Tell me the truth. Am I just an idiot who picks giant losers? 
Leonard: No. No. 
Penny: Okay, so I pick good guys, but turn them into losers. 
Leonard: Of course not.
Penny: Well, it’s got to be one or the other, which is it?
Leonard: I’m sorry, what were the choices again? 
Penny: I really thought Mike was different, I thought he was sensitive and smart. I mean, not you smart, normal non-freaky smart. 
Leonard: Yeah, no, sure.
Penny: You know, and then he just goes and has to humiliate me by writing about me on his blog so the entire world can read it.
Leonard: Actually it’s not all that easy to find. 
Penny: Yeah, really, well my friends at work found it, my sister found it, judging by my email a number of prisoners at the Michigan State Penitentiary found it. 
Leonard: Okay, well, what exactly did this guy write, not that I need to know the details of your sex life, I just thought…. never mind. 
Penny: Nope, you know what, you might as well read it, everybody else has, go ahead. Oh God, I just feel so betrayed and embarrassed. I just want to crawl into a hole and die.
Leonard: Okay, well, you know, this isn’t that bad. It just paints the picture of a very affectionate woman who’s open to expressing her affection in non traditional locales. 
Penny: Oh God!
Leonard: Elevators, parks, movie theatres, out of curiosity, is this subway the transportation system or subway the sandwich shop? 
Penny: Sandwich shop.
Leonard: Doesn’t that violate the health code?
Penny: No, at the sub shop we were only making out. 
Leonard: Huh. Okay. But my point is that you have absolutely no reason to be embarrassed. 
Penny: Really, do you think I overreacted?
Leonard: Maybe a little.
Penny: ‘Cause I do that, I do overreact. Maybe I should call Mike and apologise.
Leonard: No. No, no, that, that would be underreacting. He did break the implied confidentiality of the bedroom and, in your case, the elevator, parks and fast food franchise.
Penny: Yes. You’re right. I should just say I’m done with him. 
Leonard: Yes, you should, go ahead, say it. 
Penny: But I never gave the man a chance to explain. 
Leonard: What is there to explain, it’s all right here, it’s a betrayal. 
Penny: No, you were right the first time, this is a man who loves me, but in his own stupid way he was just trying to show people how he feels. 
Leonard: I’m pretty sure I never said that. 
Penny: No, you did better than that, you helped me see it on my own. 
Leonard: Aw, good for me. Where are you going?
Penny: I’m going over to Mike’s. Leonard, thank you so much.
Leonard: Oh, sure. Huh, maybe I am her gay friend. 
Scene: The apartment. The guys are playing a board game and eating Chinese food.
Sheldon: Howard, I’m going to need another Mandarin lesson. I obviously didn’t make my point with those people. 
Howard: For God’s sake, Sheldon, if you don’t like the tangerine chicken, don’t order the tangerine chicken.
Sheldon: I like tangerine chicken, I’m not getting tangerine chicken.
Leonard: Can we please change the subject.
Raj: Sure. Tell us again how you screwed up and got Penny back together with her old boyfriend.
Leonard: Just roll the dice. 
Raj (rolls and moves): Enslaved by warlocks, stay here till you roll 2, 4 or 6…7
Leonard: She was mad at him. She was done with him, the relationship was broken beyond repair and I walked over there and I fixed it!
Howard: Boy, that story gets better every time you hear it. 
Sheldon: Actually, I thought the first two renditions were far more compelling. Previously I felt sympathy for the Leonard character, now I just find him to be whiny and annoying. 
Leonard: Just eat your tangerine chicken. 
Sheldon: I’d love to, but I don’t have tangerine chicken. 
Penny (storming in): Thank you so much for your stupid advice. (Slams door again.) 
Raj: Incredible. You managed to screw up the screw-up. 
Scene: Penny’s apartment.
Leonard (knocking and entering): I’m back. 
Penny: I’m sorry I yelled at you. It’s not your fault. 
Leonard: What happened?
Penny: Well, I went over to Mike’s to make up with him.
Leonard: Yeah, I know, I know that part. 
Penny: But he had already moved on.
Leonard: Already, that was quick.
Penny: That’s what I said to the woman who had her legs wrapped around his neck. 
Leonard: Oh, Penny, I am so sorry.
Penny: How could he do that.
Leonard: Oh, well, you know, you did throw an 8 gig iPod… yeah, no, how could he do that. 
Penny: I swear to God, I am done with guys like that. You know, macho, with the perfect body and the hair, and the money.
Leonard: Yeah, that must get old quick. 
Penny: You know, just once, I would like to go out with someone who is nice, and honest, and who actually cares about me. 
Leonard: What about me?
Penny: What about you what?
Leonard: What about if you went out with me?
Penny: Are you asking me out?
Leonard: Um… yes… I am… asking you out. 
Penny: Wow.
Leonard: I was just going off your comment about the nice guy…
Penny: No, I know, I got that. Yeah, totally.
Leonard (continuing through Penny): …thing and honest but, it’s no big deal…
Penny: Yes. 
Leonard: Yes what? 
Penny: Yes, I will go out with you. 
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yeah. Why not, I mean, what do I have to lose?
Leonard: Yeah. That’s the spirit. 
Scene: The lobby. Sheldon is listening to an iPod.
Sheldon: Show me your citrus peels. Gei wo kan, ni jud di zi pei. Show me your citrus peels. Gei wo kan, ni jud di zi pei. Show me your…
Penny (tapping him on the shoulder): Sheldon.
Sheldon (jumping in panic): Aieee ya! Xia si wo le. 
Penny: I’m sorry. Look, do you have a second.
Sheldon: A second what? Pair of underwear? 
Penny: I was just wondering if I could talk to you? It’s about Leonard.
Sheldon: Why me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz?
Penny: Well, Raj can’t talk to me unless he’s drunk, and Wolowitz is, you know, disgusting. 
Sheldon: Yes, I suppose he is. 
Penny: All I’m saying is, you know Leonard the best. 
Sheldon: Not necessarily. I’m often surprised by my lack of familiarity with Leonard. Just the other day I discovered, he not only has a loofah, he hides it. Why do you suppose a man would be ashamed of having a loofah? I myself prefer to have my excess epithelial cells slough off naturally, but I don’t condemn those who seek to accelerate the process.  (Time shift) And until recently I had no idea that despite his lactose intolerance, he can tolerate small amounts of non-fat ice cream without producing a noxious gas that I maintain in the right concentration could be weaponised. (Begins to unlock apartment door.)
Penny: Leonard might come home, can we talk in my apartment. 
Sheldon: We’re not done? 
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Ach, why not? We’re already through the looking glass anyway. 
Penny: Okay, so, here’s the thing. I guess you’re aware that Leonard asked me out. 
Sheldon: Well, he didn’t actually say anything, but when he came back to the apartment he was doing a dance that brought to mind the happy hippos in Fantasia. 
Penny: Oh, that’s nice. Anyhow, the thing I wanted to talk to you about is, you know, since Leonard and I have become friends, I was just… want to sit down? 
Sheldon: Oh, I wish it were that simple. You see, I don’t spend much time here and so I’ve never really chosen a place to sit. 
Penny: Well, choose.
Sheldon: There are a number of options and, I’m really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, air flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice.
Penny: Alright, why don’t you just pick one at random, and then if you don’t like it you can sit somewhere else next time. 
Sheldon: No, no, that’s crazy. You go ahead and talk while I figure it out. 
Penny: Okay. Um, here’s the thing. So, I’ve known for a while now that Leonard has had a little crush on me…
Sheldon: A little crush? Well I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy. 
Penny: Alright, yeah, I don’t really know who they are…
Sheldon: Well Menelaus was the brother of Agamemnon…
Penny: Yeah, I don’t care, I don’t care. The point is Leonard isn’t the kind of guy I usually go out with.
Sheldon: Leonard isn’t the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with. Would you be open to rotating the couch clockwise thirty degrees? 
Penny: No. What I’m saying is, Leonard might be different in a good way. Obviously my usual choices have not worked out so well. 
Sheldon: The last one worked out well for Koothrappali. He got a free iPod. Oh, glare! 
Penny: But on the other hand, if things don’t go well with Leonard, I risk losing a really good friend. I mean, I guess he’s not looking for a fling, he’s the kind of guy that gets into a relationship for, I don’t know, like you would say light years. 
Sheldon: I would not say that. No-one would say that, a light year is a unit of distance, not time. 
Penny: Thank you for the clarification. 
Sheldon: Draft. You see people hear the word year and they think duration. Foot pound has the same problem, that’s a unit of work, not of weight.
Penny: Right, thanks.
Sheldon: It’s a common mistake.
Penny: Not the first one I’ve made today. 
Sheldon: Okay. I think this will be my seat. 
Penny: Sheldon, do you have anything to say that has anything to do with, you know, what I’m talking about. 
Sheldon: Well, let’s see. We might consider Schrodinger’s Cat. 
Penny: Schrodinger? Is that the woman in 2A?
Sheldon: No. That’s Mrs Grossinger. And she doesn’t have a cat, she has a Mexican hairless, annoying little animal, yip yip yip yip…
Penny: Sheldon! 
Sheldon: Sorry, you diverted me. Anyway, in 1935, Erwin Schrodinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now, since no-one knows when or if the poison has been released, until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead. 
Penny: I’m sorry, I don’t get the point. 
Sheldon: Well of course you don’t get it, I haven’t made it yet. You’d have to be psychic to get it, and there’s no such thing as psychic.
Penny: Sheldon, what’s the point? 
Sheldon: Just like Schrodinger’s Cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad. It is only by opening the box that you’ll find out which it is. 
Penny: Okay, so you’re saying I should go out with Leonard. 
Sheldon: No, no, no, no, no, no. Let me start again. In 1935, Erwin Schrodinger…
Scene: The University cafeteria.
Leonard (pointing): Two seats right there. 
Sheldon (to two oriental-looking people occupying the other seats): Chong sho sha pwe. (Caption translates to “Long Live Concrete”.) Xie xie. (Thank you) 
Leonard: Sheldon, I think I’ve made a mistake. 
Sheldon: I can see that. Unless you’re planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch filled redundancy.
Leonard: No, it’s about Penny.
Sheldon: A mistake involving Penny? Okay, you’ll have to narrow it down. 
Leonard: I don’t think I can go out with her tonight. 
Sheldon: Then don’t.
Leonard: Other people would say “why not?” 
Sheldon: Other people might be interested. 
Leonard: I’m going to talk anyway.
Sheldon: I assumed you would. 
Leonard: Now that I’m actually about to go out with Penny, I’m not excited, I’m nauseous. 
Sheldon: Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion. 
Leonard: Right.
Sheldon: You also made a common grammatical mistake, you said nauseous when you meant nauseated. But go on. 
Leonard: Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny, what happens if I blow it. 
Sheldon: Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby Doo cartoons comes to mind. 
Leonard: You’re not helping. 
Sheldon: Alright, what response on my part would bring this conversation to a speedy conclusion?
Leonard: Tell me whether or not to go through with the date.
Sheldon: Schrodinger’s Cat.
Leonard: Wow, that’s brilliant.
Sheldon: You sound surprised. Mmm, hou zi shui zai li du. (Your monkey sleeps inside me.) 
Scene: Leonard approaches Penny’s door. He is wearing a suit. He knocks. Penny answers.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hi. 
Penny: come on in.
Leonard: Thank you. You look very nice.
Penny: Thank you. So do you. 
Leonard: I made an eight o’clock reservation.
Penny: Okay, great, listen, um, maybe we should talk first. 
Leonard: Oh. Okay. But before you say anything, have you ever heard of Schrodinger’s Cat? 
Penny: Actually, I’ve heard far too much about Schrodinger’s Cat. 
Leonard: Good. (He grabs her and kisses her.) 
Penny: Alright, the cat’s alive, let’s go to dinner. 
Scene: The Szechuan Palace. 
Sheldon (in Mandarin): Show me your mucus! Your mucus! 
Owner (in Mandarin): Blow your own nose and go away. 
Sheldon (in Mandarin): This is not a tangerine bicycle. 
Owner (in English): Crazy man. Call the police. 
Sheldon (in Mandarin): No. Don’t call the library. Show me your mucus. (Leonard and Penny are seen entering, and then leaving again quickly.) Oxen are in my bed! Many, many oxen! Oy Vey!